Wants to go home

[LAtkinson]

I am a full-time carer for my Grandad and recently he has been saying "I think it's time for me to go home", "I must go home".
I understand his routine has changed in recent weeks as he isn't having any contact with anyone other than myself.
I have looked online for advice but it doesn't apply to him, he has lived in this house for 60 years so I am unsure as to where he thinks home is.
Advice on what to say and how to support him?
I have tried showing him his post with his name and address on but he just says, "I'll take that home then".

 

[canary]

Hello @LAtkinson and welcome to DTP

Wanting to "go home" is almost universal in dementia, especially in the later stages. If you ask him about his home you may well find that he is thinking of his childhood home and may be expecting to find long dead relatives there. Other people are thinking of another home, a holiday place or have a fantasy home that they are thinking of. Ultimately, though, the desire to "go home" is a state of mind rather than an actual place and if you took him back to the place he is thinking of as home it would not satisfy him. What this is actually expressing is the desire to leave the confusion of dementia behind and go somewhere where they understand what is happening and feel safe. I expect the change in routine has left him confused and anxious.

Because of this , saying "but you are home" will cut no ice. Much better to say something like - OK, but its too dark/wet/cold/whatever to go now. Why not stay the night and we can go tomorrow? Then tomorrow you say the same thing. Distraction, like tea/coffee and cake, or a TV program, can sometimes work.
If he insists on going out to walk home, then some people have found it helpful to walk with him saying OK we will go and find it, walk round the block and when you get back say - ah, here we are - home! Lets go in and have tea and cake.

 

[LAtkinson]

Thank you for your advice.

I have asked him where home is and he refers back to this address, he just doesn't seem to recognise his furniture.

I have considered taking him for a walk, I just didn't know if this was appropriate during lockdown and concerns that he wouldn't want to return.

Also, I don't know how comfortable I would feel lying to him. Would this make him more confused? Would he think he couldn't trust me and then it become a less safe place for him?

Sorry for all the questions.

 

[nellbelles]

Welcome to DTP @LAtkinson
please don’t think of it as lying... there is an expression used on DTP ’Love Lies’ i used to distort the truth with my husband so as not to upset him, keeping him calm and content was my aim nothing more..

 

[canary]

Im afraid that lying to people with dementia is often the only way to go. If they are unable to understand the reality of their situation, but there needs to be an answer, then you have to supply an answer that they can understand and will satisfy them. It comes hard and most of us feel uncomfortable doing it as we have been taught to be truthful. If it helps, it is often known in scholarly papers as "therapeutic untruths". If you insist on trying to persuade him of something that in his reality is not true (like the fact that he is in his own home), then in his mind you are then lying to him and even though you are in reality being truthful, he will not believe you and will actually trust you less.

have asked him where home is and he refers back to this address

Try getting him to describe his home. When I did that with mum she was clearly describing her childhood home that was bombed in the war.

 

[lemonbalm]

Hello @LAtkinson. My mum is in a dementia care home now and this is very common among many of the residents, particularly late afternoon when they are "sun downing". The carers there often use the phrase "you're staying here with us for a while and we're just going to make some tea/supper/lunch/watch some tv. If your Grandad doesn't recognise the current home as his, you could try saying that he is staying with you for a while and then suggest doing something that he will enjoy or will take his mind off it. Soothing or familiar music often helps. Keep posting for support and ideas.

 

[Andrew_McP]

Sadly this is one of the tougher stages of dementia to deal with. Most of us have been there already, and hopefully you'll find a lot of help in earlier discussions, as long as new advice in this thread.

Search results for query: wants to go home

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[RosettaT]

If he's lived there 60yrs he possibly won't recognise the furniture. It may have changed from the time he is thinking of or been moved, whatever it's not how he remembers it.

I didn't/don't like lying to my OH either but what on here are called 'love lies' are not lies in the common sense of the meaning. You are not trying to scam him or turn things around so you can take advantage you are simply trying to make things easier for him to to come to terms with.

I always use non committal answers. OH would ask 'where is mum' - she died in 1997, I would say 'she's not with us today' or 'she's not calling round today', it's not a lie but it's not the brutal truth either. To tell him she is no longer here would have upset him all over again as it's like the first time he's realises she died.
I found constant reassurance worked, a gentle touch as I walked passed him, telling him I will always make sure he is well looked after, and telling him where I am going everytime I leave the room. I still do that now even tho' he hasn't mentioned his mum or anything in the past for about 18mths now.

 

[LAtkinson]

I really appreciate everyone for this advice, it has been really helpful and has made me see 'lying' in another light - I hope by implementing these things it will make him feel more content.

 

[Weasell]

Someone posted the other day to say they walked their parent round the bungalow, pointed at the bed and said ‘ is that home’ ? And the grateful parent said yes, and got in bed for a nap!

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Right at the beginning, two weeks or so after my mother had been diagnosed, she asked about my grandmother (who had died in 1970). I was so shocked, knowing nothing about AD then, that I told her grandmother was dead. Floods of tears, it was as though she were hearing it for the first time - and my mother and I were with my grandmother when she died.

I very quickly learned from that. Afterwards, when she asked where her parents were - and she went through quite a phase of asking - I would respond by saying they were in St. Hubert (the town the cemetery is in). If she asked how they were, I would say "Fine, the same as always", which was also reasonably accurate. When she said she wanted to visit, I would quickly agree and say "Let's go the day after tomorrow because I have to go to the dentist tomorrow."

The asking about her parents had a couple of phases, too. But eventually it passed.