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Wanting to go out all the time

mickeyplum

Registered User
Feb 22, 2018
128
My husband (91) has had vascular dementia for 4 yrs and is otherwise very fit for his age. Everyday he wants to go out for a drive to a pub for a glass of wine. I dig my heels in sometimes . I'm 85 and healthwise not as well as him but still drive short distances.
Occasionally my eldest daughter or her son take hm out to give me a break, but my daughter says she now dreads visiting cos as soon as her dad sees her he either invites her to go out, or drop hints about how nice the weather is and it would be nice to go out for a drink or a meal. ( he hardly eats anything when he goes out but he hopes by ordering food will keep him out longer) She says she feels awful having to make an excuse.
I've told her just to say she's busy and he will forget all about it a minute later,but she still feels guilty that he's not getting out when he wants to and says it's important for him to socialise.
We've been, and failed, down the 'visitor befriending' scheme co he only trusts family members and gets anxious about other people being in the house.
She got cross with him once, out of pure frustration, and told him that I wasn't fit to keep taking him out and that if he didn't want to get to know somebody else who would be able to take hm out , then he'd just have to stay in. He looked hurt but had forgotten it a minute later.
As soon as he saw her arriving yesterday he said, 'I bet she'll be wanting to go out.' I said, 'No she won't , and don't ask her cos she's not well.' She's visiting less frequently and I know this is the reason but I can't make her understand that she just needs to say no and doesn't need to explain further, and he'll accept it
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,258
South coast
My mum always wanted to go out too. Everytime I visited her in her care home she would say "Come on, lets go - lets get out of here" and I have read many others posts saying the same thing, so Im thinking it is probably quite common.

Having looked back at that time, I think that what was happening with mum was that she was trying to leave the confusion of her dementia behind. She thought that the confusion was due to her surroundings and that if she went out it would go away, not realising that her confusion was internal and she would take it with her. As her dementia advanced she would still want to go out, but was not able to be away from her care home for very long and by the end I would take her to the cafe just up the road from her care home, only for her to demand to go back again within only a few minutes.

No answers, Im afraid, but perhaps you could prime your daughter to bring something with her (maybe some old photos) that she could do instead.
 

Ramblingrose

Registered User
Feb 2, 2020
12
My husband (91) has had vascular dementia for 4 yrs and is otherwise very fit for his age. Everyday he wants to go out for a drive to a pub for a glass of wine. I dig my heels in sometimes . I'm 85 and healthwise not as well as him but still drive short distances.
Occasionally my eldest daughter or her son take hm out to give me a break, but my daughter says she now dreads visiting cos as soon as her dad sees her he either invites her to go out, or drop hints about how nice the weather is and it would be nice to go out for a drink or a meal. ( he hardly eats anything when he goes out but he hopes by ordering food will keep him out longer) She says she feels awful having to make an excuse.
I've told her just to say she's busy and he will forget all about it a minute later,but she still feels guilty that he's not getting out when he wants to and says it's important for him to socialise.
We've been, and failed, down the 'visitor befriending' scheme co he only trusts family members and gets anxious about other people being in the house.
She got cross with him once, out of pure frustration, and told him that I wasn't fit to keep taking him out and that if he didn't want to get to know somebody else who would be able to take hm out , then he'd just have to stay in. He looked hurt but had forgotten it a minute later.
As soon as he saw her arriving yesterday he said, 'I bet she'll be wanting to go out.' I said, 'No she won't , and don't ask her cos she's not well.' She's visiting less frequently and I know this is the reason but I can't make her understand that she just needs to say no and doesn't need to explain further, and he'll accept it
 

Ramblingrose

Registered User
Feb 2, 2020
12
I empathise with you on this matter. My mum was diagnosed with vascular dementia about 6 years ago and is reasonably fit for her age. She constantly wants to go out saying things like " Are we going out today"? " Oohh what a lovely day" Aren't we going out"? If my dad says no because he is worn out looking after her she claims she can go on her own. Which for her now is totally impossible. I really do wonder if this is her way of forcing him to take her out. Her short term memory is practically nil now so has no recollection of where she has been, who she was with or even that she has been out. Neither can she remember when she has been told that she is going out. It is a relentless round of the same questions all day. In the home she cannot focus on anything apart from music. The problem is that my dad will not try to get anymore care apart from myself! The memory clinic discharged her over two years ago telling us that she was stable. That's a laugh. They told us that her doctor would take over her care. Another laugh! Not one bit of help. I could go on for ever but I won't. One thing I have tried is when she is moaning about not going out I tell her to go and get herself ready and go. She never goes. I would add that she does actually have a very active social life but non of which she remembers.
 

Marge Walton

New member
Mar 29, 2020
1
My Husband has Altzeimers and was. diagnosed 3 years ago, He is also wanting to go out, to go home infact even though we have lived in this house for almost 60 years it is not his home. I have in the past taken him for a short drive (even in the middle of the night) thas usually pacified him. Now this isn’t possible it is difficult to explain. I have to hide the door and car keys as he is often trying to go home an address he lives in as a child. I am lucky to have caring family but they can’t be here all the time so it’s down to me. We can only do our best.
 

Cat27

Volunteer Moderator
Feb 27, 2015
11,330
Merseyside
My Husband has Altzeimers and was. diagnosed 3 years ago, He is also wanting to go out, to go home infact even though we have lived in this house for almost 60 years it is not his home. I have in the past taken him for a short drive (even in the middle of the night) thas usually pacified him. Now this isn’t possible it is difficult to explain. I have to hide the door and car keys as he is often trying to go home an address he lives in as a child. I am lucky to have caring family but they can’t be here all the time so it’s down to me. We can only do our best.
Welcome to DTP @Marge Walton.
please keep posting as you’ll get lots of support here