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Wanting to go home .

Kbf

New member
Jun 18, 2020
5
0
Hi ,my mum has alzimers and has recently been telling my dad she wants to go home puts her shoes coat on etc they have lived in family home for 27 years and last might brought down personal belongings. Its now getting harder to conceive her she is home . Does any one have any helpful idea please . Thanks
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
76,326
0
Kent
Hello @Kbf

It will be of no comfort to you to know this is so common with dementia, a high proportion of carers have posted about the same `going home` problem.

It usually happens late afternoon or early evening and is called sundowning. The person with dementia is often more tired at this time of day and the confusion increases.

Trying to convince your mum she is already at home is not likely to work.

Your best bet is if you can try delaying tactics, eg. We`ll go tomorrow, it`s too dark, wet, windy, anything you can think of which might help her.

There were times when I agreed to help him and we walked round the block looking for his real house and his real wife and by the time we goy=t home he recognised it as home.

There were other times when he didn`t know me and I used to follow him at a distance or phone our son for help. He always knew our son who would take him for a couple of hours and then bring him home.

My husband used to pack to go home almost every evening and when he didn`t pack he just left the house.

I do hope you find a way to manage this very upsetting situation.
 

GillP

Registered User
Aug 11, 2021
1,733
0
From personal experience I found that my husband became increasingly agitated and determined to go if I tried to explain that he was at home, his home of 40 years.

Sometimes distraction worked so I’d suggest we had a cup of tea first. On good evenings this would do the trick.

However, on bad days if I refused to take him home he would refuse to go to bed until the feelings had abated. This could take anything up to 4 hours. I found it was easier to get in the car and go for a drive then ironically once he realised we were returning or going the wrong way, he would direct me home. Not always, sometimes he’d tell me I knew nothing but by the time we got home usually all forgotten. For us this was always nocturnal usually after 11 pm and often later.

It would also be worth mentioning to GP.

I hope it settles as it was one of the most difficult things to deal with. Sleep deprivation is not good especially when caring!
 

Kbf

New member
Jun 18, 2020
5
0
Hello @Kbf

It will be of no comfort to you to know this is so common with dementia, a high proportion of carers have posted about the same `going home` problem.

It usually happens late afternoon or early evening and is called sundowning. The person with dementia is often more tired at this time of day and the confusion increases.

Trying to convince your mum she is already at home is not likely to work.

Your best bet is if you can try delaying tactics, eg. We`ll go tomorrow, it`s too dark, wet, windy, anything you can think of which might help her.

There were times when I agreed to help him and we walked round the block looking for his real house and his real wife and by the time we goy=t home he recognised it as home.

There were other times when he didn`t know me and I used to follow him at a distance or phone our son for help. He always knew our son who would take him for a couple of hours and then bring him home.

My husband used to pack to go home almost every evening and when he didn`t pack he just left the house.

I do hope you find a way to manage this very upsetting situation.
Good afternoon ,
Thank you so much for responding to my post I will past this information on to my dad to see if he can try some of them . She will often give our old address if he asks where is home .
 

SERENA50

Registered User
Jan 17, 2018
156
0
Hi ,my mum has alzimers and has recently been telling my dad she wants to go home puts her shoes coat on etc they have lived in family home for 27 years and last might brought down personal belongings. Its now getting harder to conceive her she is home . Does any one have any helpful idea please . Thanks
Hi

When I was doing a course for caring recently a few people said they would cover the front door with a curtain and/or take the person for a short drive by getting coats on and acting as if they were actually going home and then going through the whole process. It seemed to work so it might be worth a try x
 

Kbf

New member
Jun 18, 2020
5
0
Hello @Kbf

It will be of no comfort to you to know this is so common with dementia, a high proportion of carers have posted about the same `going home` problem.

It usually happens late afternoon or early evening and is called sundowning. The person with dementia is often more tired at this time of day and the confusion increases.

Trying to convince your mum she is already at home is not likely to work.

Your best bet is if you can try delaying tactics, eg. We`ll go tomorrow, it`s too dark, wet, windy, anything you can think of which might help her.

There were times when I agreed to help him and we walked round the block looking for his real house and his real wife and by the time we goy=t home he recognised it as home.

There were other times when he didn`t know me and I used to follow him at a distance or phone our son for help. He always knew our son who would take him for a couple of hours and then bring him home.

My husband used to pack to go home almost every evening and when he didn`t pack he just left the house.

I do hope you find a way to manage this very upsetting situation.
 

Kbf

New member
Jun 18, 2020
5
0
Thank you all for your help and suggestions I will pass this information on and if course it greast know that it has a term sundowning . As this also helps in education as its all very new .
 

Clairey51

Registered User
Dec 7, 2021
21
0
First time poster, I'm sure you all will be hearing lots from me.
I am having this issue at this very moment, took mum outside just now as she was insisting that she wanted to go home, she has been saying this for about four days now. I tried to get her to look up and down the road and picked out very familiar landmarks, (she has lived in this house for 73 years) but she is not having it and got a bit off with me.
Solution in my case is she always tends to say things like I'll go and see my grandmother later on everything is later on with her which is good for me, I have to keep the door locked as when she having one of her moments she will wander off up the road, I have followed her and she doesn't have a lot of road sense.
 

Bod

Registered User
Aug 30, 2013
1,581
0
First time poster, I'm sure you all will be hearing lots from me.
I am having this issue at this very moment, took mum outside just now as she was insisting that she wanted to go home, she has been saying this for about four days now. I tried to get her to look up and down the road and picked out very familiar landmarks, (she has lived in this house for 73 years) but she is not having it and got a bit off with me.
Solution in my case is she always tends to say things like I'll go and see my grandmother later on everything is later on with her which is good for me, I have to keep the door locked as when she having one of her moments she will wander off up the road, I have followed her and she doesn't have a lot of road sense.
Clairey, unfortunately you now have reached the point where mum is unsafe in her enviroment. It may be a good idea to be looking at a Care Home placement for her, where she will be safe.

Bod
 

Clairey51

Registered User
Dec 7, 2021
21
0
I do live with mum and have been for the past 2 weeks, her partner walked out and left her as he couldn't cope anymore, but that's a story for another time.
 

Tilly13

Registered User
Jul 27, 2020
93
0
Hello @Kbf and @Clairey51
I really understand how difficult this is as last year I had exactly the same with my Mum . We used lots of distraction but it was very very difficult at times. She would ask the Carers to take her home , tried to get in their cars , pack up her bags every day , put on shoes and coat. We would go up the road walking and come back , sometimes this worked or go out for a drive and this would help. It is so distressing. Somehow we would get through it but of course it would all be repeated the next day!
My Mum and Dad are both in a Care Home now as it was unsafe for them to be at home even with the 4x a day Carers! They both have Dementia and my Mum was leaving my Dad and walking off up the road.

In the Care Home Mum is now repeating the behaviour and so she continues to want to go home and wants to leave the Care Home.
A DoLS is in the process of being completed for both her and Dads safety.
 

Clairey51

Registered User
Dec 7, 2021
21
0
Hello @Kbf and @Clairey51
I really understand how difficult this is as last year I had exactly the same with my Mum . We used lots of distraction but it was very very difficult at times. She would ask the Carers to take her home , tried to get in their cars , pack up her bags every day , put on shoes and coat. We would go up the road walking and come back , sometimes this worked or go out for a drive and this would help. It is so distressing. Somehow we would get through it but of course it would all be repeated the next day!
My Mum and Dad are both in a Care Home now as it was unsafe for them to be at home even with the 4x a day Carers! They both have Dementia and my Mum was leaving my Dad and walking off up the road.

In the Care Home Mum is now repeating the behaviour and so she continues to want to go home and wants to leave the Care Home.
A DoLS is in the process of being completed for both her and Dads safety.
Its strange how our lives play out, I have been a carer for 37 years mostly dementia care, yet totally out of my depth caring for mum who has Alzheimers.
I take my hat off to you going through all that with your mum and dad.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,875
0
South coast
I have been a carer for 37 years mostly dementia care, yet totally out of my depth caring for mum who has Alzheimers.
I think every person who has been involved professionally with people with dementia, says exactly the same. I think the difference is
1) - when you are seeing people with dementia professionally you are not with them 24/7. However difficult it is, you end your shift, go home and are no longer responsible for them. But when you are a carer for a relative you are never "off duty" - even if you are not with them you are thinking about them and /or anticipating phone calls or other problems.
2) there is all the emotional baggage because you remember what they were like, are grieving that loss and somehow still expect them to respond like they used to. Then when they dont, that grief is compounded.