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wanting no help


Registered User
May 24, 2014
walsall,west midlands
My grandad won't except any help around the house and when I talk to him about it he says he's done it when he obviously hasn't. I offered to help him and seems to take offence if I do. He hadn't hoovered in months, there are cobwebs and spiders everywhere and the dust is so thick you can write your name in it. Social services have been in but refused help with housework, agreed to day care one day then got angry when asked again, to him he is looking after himself as he always has and needs no help at all but he lives in a filthy house, what do I do?


Registered User
Sep 7, 2012
Hiya Swanni,

My Mam was just the same.

She used to knock on the bathroom door wondering if I was alright as I would nip to the loo then while the door was locked clean the shower, loo, sink and floor.
I'm sure she thought I had a constant upset tummy.:)

It was the only way, she wouldn't let me do a thing.

Sorting the borders out in her garden and she used to come out, hands on hips...'What are you doing now?!' and force me back into the house.

Some days I used to get on and do it, others I used to just have to sit next to her and chat.

When she had a drs or hospital appointment I used to take her and my sister used to go in like a ninja with bleach, polish and hetty the hoover.

And taking rotten food out of the fridge was like robbing a bank.

Exhausting and frustrating when there is SO much that seems to need to be done but a CERTAIN person won't let you. :)

You have my sympathy.


Registered User
Mar 4, 2013
Auckland...... New Zealand
My Mum 74 has Alzheimers and Dad 77 has cognitive impairment.
I was brought up with every Friday being Mums housework day.
Now Mums housework day is spread across Friday to Sunday, and maybe no day! :rolleyes:

It is hard to see the brand new granny flat built for my parents 8 yrs ago on our property slowly decline into one that needs repairs, cleaning, painting and general maintenance.
They had a flood at the back of their house which neither told us about, with Dad saying it was the rain. Apparently it had been like that for weeks the ground was so sodden.
It was a burst water pipe! My husband fixed it within a matter of minutes.

Their bath was so dirty with a great big ring around it, in one of my mad moments I scratched in the dirt " Clean Me"
Mum was wild at me, and Dad blamed the dirt on a new cleaning product Mum had used.
To get around it, I told Mum that I had bought a new type of cleaning cloth and could I try it on her bath, to see if it worked because if it didn't I was going to take it back to the shop and get my money back :)
Mum agreed and the bath came up good as new :)

Ideally what I would like to do is for Mum & Dad to go to my sisters for several days so that I could get a cleaning company in, and a repair man to do some general maintenance, buts it's not going to happen :(

They are also entitled to home help for general housework, but have declind also. :(

Pear trees

Registered User
Jan 25, 2015
I visit my mum with my husband who blitzes the bathroom and kitchen while I keep mum distracted. He empties the cupboards of all the half eaten microwave meals and cakes. He then sits with her while I change her sheets and empty bed drawers of more half eaten food and dust and sweep all round, and then we do her sitting room in turns. We can clean in about 40 minutes this way and its easier than having arguments about throwing away 'good' food and how much she hates housework which she never did much of before dementia anyway.
Thankfully she still washes herself OK and I collect as much washing to do for next time. I even buy identical clothes so she does not miss anything.


Registered User
May 24, 2014
walsall,west midlands
Thanks guys,
at least I am not alone, my dad and his partner let themselves into his house when I took him to his pension to sort his bed out. They threw out his mattress, quilt and what was left of his pillows (mainly dust they'd deteriorated that much) and all his bedding as it hadn't been changed for 3 years and bought all new bedding and it's like a new bed but it took a sneaky arrangement to get it sorted. That is the only way to get things done, when is day care is sorted I will go in a clean the house!!!!


Registered User
Jun 24, 2013
My MIL won't hear of having any kind of help with housework. We can only sneak in when she's out, so nowadays one of us has to take her out so the other one can sneak in. :D

I don't know what's so special about cleaning, she's fine with us doing her gardening and DIY and shopping and errands and present buying and bill paying etc. just not cleaning.

She too always says she's just done it, or is just about to, or it doesn't need doing, or we're ruining her routine etc - and she gets very obstreperous if challenged.