So my dad has been in a care home for 6-7 months with frontal lobe and vascular dementia, he gave up smoking just before going into the home due to COVID and was unable to get out as he cannot walk. In the home he does not mention home or smoking, yet when he calls up he wants 20 cigarettes and to come home. The nursing home he is in does not allow smoking at all so he can’t. Why is it he only asks me (his son) or my mum and when we say no he gets really angry. It is because he associates smoking with home, he has smoked since he was 14 and now 68? How do you deal with family member who calls and gets very abusive and won’t stop shouting? Any help be greatly appreciated.
Wanting cigarettes and calling
- Thread starter tsgc84
- Start date
could he be given a nicotine patch so he doesnt miss it so much. he probably thinks he can smoke at home and thats what he wants. my husband and i gave up 8 yrs ago and it was hard and even now there are times when i would like one but dont. he doesnt have the benefit of logic and reason. you might just have to distract him .
My understanding is that agitation can be a side effect of anxiety and confusion and that seeking 'home' can be the same.
It's just a thought, but it may be worth telling the Care Home and the Dr about this as some form of help may be available
It's just a thought, but it may be worth telling the Care Home and the Dr about this as some form of help may be available
He was on patches and stuff. It’s weird as the other day he was telling everyone how proud he was he gave up. Then same day he wants 20 cigarettes.
He’s been having horrible nightmares and the consultant has increased his medication so I think that’s why he calls, when he is scared he gets angry. The care home he tells them he’s staying there and loves not smoking anymore. Maybe he associates us with home. So smoking he always did at home and everything. Thanks for the advice.
Yes we tell him and still he calls and then sometimes when we visit he remembers and asks where they are. We can do indoor visits now well my mum can or in a secure room.
Frontotemporal Dementia (FTD)
Frontotemporal dementia (FTD) is one of the less common types of dementia. It is sometimes called Pick's disease or frontal lobe dementia. The first noticeable FTD symptoms are changes to personality and behaviour and/or difficulties with language.
alzheimers.org.uk
Unfortunately the behaviour will likely continue due to the type of dementia he has.
I suspect you are correct that he associates you with smoking.
Many ex smokers feel the desire to smoke for years afterwards. I feel the desire to smoke after I have done housework! Which sounds weird but I used to use it as a motivational tool ( only when the bathroom is clean can you have a cigarette)
The difference is that I am able to contain the desire by
using my undamaged brain to rationalise why I don’t smoke any longer.
You have had some good suggestions already. I would experiment in different ones but none of them involving the word no.
So an example is that Covid has left you all short of money, they are now £14 pounds a packet and you need to save up to buy them. ( But you are saving )
Could you blame the doctors and say you have been told that he is not allowed to smoke until he is a bit stronger?
I post a link to compassionate communication in case that helps ?
Would it help to have a written script of choices to help mum with the phone calls ?
Example ‘ I want to come home’
You can’t come home because the hot water isn’t working.
You can’t come home because the heating isn’t working now.
The boiler has been condemned and and I can’t afford a new one.
Parts have been located in Cambodia that may mend it but may take a while to get here.
The parts that have arrived are no good but the correct ones are in Prague?
The central heating engineer has covid?
That could keep you going for several months?
Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired
The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...
forum.alzheimers.org.uk
My dad’s carehome allowed residents to smoke outside in the garden. They had to accompanied by a staff member- usually a smoker so they could have one too!
My dad didn’t smoke so it wasn’t a problem for him. He did ask to go home though so I’d make something up on the spur of the moment.
If no-one is allowed to smoke and your dad never sees anyone smoking could you tell him the government have banned all smoking because of covid...
My dad didn’t smoke so it wasn’t a problem for him. He did ask to go home though so I’d make something up on the spur of the moment.
If no-one is allowed to smoke and your dad never sees anyone smoking could you tell him the government have banned all smoking because of covid...
those first 2 lines was me about 8 yrs ago. if they wanted to go anywhere i would take them. given up for 8 yrs now. it was an expensive past time
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