Want to hear your experience

[Isobel]

Hi, I have just joined this group. My 86 year old mother has a combination of A/d and vascular dementia, she was admitted to hospital on an emergency mental health section covering three days. Her present legal status is voluntary but the consultant agrees we have ground for a guardianship order, after being well settled she is getting restless and wanting home. We are told that the order could take three months and can not cope at home so she can not be discharged
she was very violent the day she was admitted to hospital - does not seem to remember the events of that day or who was present. Thinks the social worker was responsible not the doctor or Mental health officer. No one offers any advice unless you really push for it. We live in Scotland and would find the experience of others very helpful. My father is the same age as my mother and has had enough.
Mother does not have any acceptance of her limitations so will not go into a care home willingly.

 

[Skye]

Hi Isobel

Welcome to TP.

First of all, what do you want to happen? Would you be happy for your mum to stay in hospital until you get guardianship? What I'm saying is, is she being well treated? Have they sorted out her medication? Has the violence subsided?

Is it too late for your mum to grant Continuing Power of Attorney? Your mum would need to understand what she is signing, and violence does not necessarily mean she could not understand. This is a much easier (and cheaper) way to go than guardianship.

In Scotland you can also get Welfare Power of Attorney, which means that you would have a say in the treatment she receives, but again she would need to understand.

Lots of questions, sorry, but it's impossible to advise without all the facts. I'm in Scotland, so understand some of the legal processes, but I'm not an expert. For proper legal advice you need to see a solicitor, or follow Nada's advice and ring Alzheimer Scotland. The number is: 0808 808 3000.

All the best,

 

[Isobel]

Thanks for your input, mum has stopped being violent since in hospital and is being well cared for but became very suspicious during a previous stay in hospital about my motives when I was trying to get more support when discharge was pending so is unlikely to cooperate, in fact shewas a very stubborn personality even when in good health. At the moment she is getting impatient and threatening to try to discharge herself which is typical of her behaviour when anther episode is pending. My daughter who has learning difficulties has not seen her since October as she is afraid of her.
Isobel

 

[Mameeskye]

Hi Isobel

So Sorry to hear what you are going through. Lukcily my Mum and Dad had taken advice from a solicitor when in there 60s and had drafted a POA in favour of my brother and I. When Mum's dementia started to become apparent we spoke to the solicitor at that time who suggested the revised welfare power of attorney. He spoke to Mum and thought that she was well enough to understand what she was signing at the time. She was also not sutbborn which really helped so I cannot really help you there. Would she be willing to grant it in favour of your Dad maybe which you as back up/alternative signatory to make sure that everything gets done for her?

However when it came to the nursing home mum was admitted after emergency surgery. She wanted to come home but we told her that the docs didn't think that she was well enough for home but she was well enough to be looked after in a residential home (it was actually a nrusing home with an EMI unit attached). Mum was pleased to go to get out of hospital.

Hopefully you will find a solution. If she is well cared for in hospital and have carers who understand it may be good for your Dad if she stays there until you get the Guardianship order.

Love

Mamee

 

[Isobel]

Hi Mammee,
We have taken steps to allow us to manage Dad's affairs if he should come to need this, he was always the practical one in their relationship and realises that he can only just manage to care for himself with my support. It is a relief for him to have mum in hospital after having tried for a long time to manage her care. It has helped him accept the situation to have the consultant finally give the diaganoses of what has been obvious to us for a long time.
Isobel

 

[alfjess]

Hi Isobel

Does your Mum have a phychiatrist and CPN assigned.

I don't have welfare POA either and thought I would have to go down the Guardianship route, but between the CPN, phychiatrist and Social worker's manager (who is very good) (Social worker was useless) we managed to get Mum and Dad, into permanent care without guardianship.

My Mum was very difficult also, but initially, they went into care for respite, which became full time care.

Could your Mum be discharged into respite care for a trial, providing her behaviour has been stabilised with meds?

Have you checked or spoken to any care homes yet?

Hope you can get this sorted without too much trouble

Take care

Alfjess

 

[strawberrywhip]

As you have got this far ..and the hospital are caring for her well....sounds as though it would be a good idea to let matters rung their natural course. It will be much easier for you as a family to have her admitted directly to a home from hospital. It happend with many patients..and in England hospital patients are prioritised for beds..not sure if it is the same in Scotland.
I doubt if she would ever recognise that her needs are so great she needs a nursing home..and is sound as if events have taken her over.
Have you any idea of where you would like her to go?

 

[Skye]

Hi Isobel

It does sound as if the best plan would be for your mum to stay in hospital until either she can be persuaded to go into a NH, or you get guardianship.

It certainly sounds as if it would be too much for your dad to cope with her.

Let us know how you get on,

Love,

 

[Isobel]

Hi and thaks to you all,
What I am hearing from you is pretty much backing up my own feelings. We thought last year that we were going down the route of a care home and looked at a few, our first choice has an estimated waiting list of one year. I am just getting around to looking at some more which have been suggested to me by people who have already had to find places for relatives. At the moment I am mentally preparing myself for the verbal abuse I will no doubt receive when Mum finds out she is not going to be discharged to home. The staff and most of the other patients in the ward are really pleasant and the company is doing her good, she is not able to work out that it is not a normal medical ward, just thinks some of the other patients are badlly behaved or thieves I feel the social worker is supportive and came as soon as I called her the day that we had the last crisis. It made such a difference when the professionals saw how extreme the behavour could be. I have been amazed how Mum could hide her condition when non family members were present and it helps to read the experience of others. Like many others on this site I feel a mixture of confidence that this is now the right thing to do but a bit of guilt that it is me who has to be responsible. Had Dad out for a drive and lunch today, just havent been able to do that for so long so I can make life better for him.

 

[Skye]

. Had Dad out for a drive and lunch today, just havent been able to do that for so long so I can make life better for him.

That's great, Isobel. Just keep focussing on the positives. You'll be able to take your dad out more often, and you'll both be able to visit your mum, while the professionals take care of the day to day hassles.

And get rid of the guilt monster. He attacks all of us from time to time, and as long as we're doing our best, we should kick him into touch.

Love,