Want to go home

[Jazzmax]

Hi all, new to this so please bear with me. My Civil Partner has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's for over 2 years although I think she has had it a couple of years longer. Throughout lockdown she seemed to deteriorate and since going into hospital for 10 days in November, when I was not allowed to visit, she seems to be getting worse day by day. She frequently asks when am I coming home or do I know me etc. Sometimes she believes me when I say it is me and sometimes she doesn't. When I am not me, I try to be as reassuring as I can. However these last few weeks she keeps asking to go home, it is now about 4 times a week. She is getting very distressed and upset and I don't know what else to say to her. I can't comfort her as am a "stranger" so a cuddle or hand holding is out of the question. I have tried going through photos, or showing her around the house but she just gets more distressed and keeps asking why I won't let her go home. I know this is all part of the Alzheimer's but wondered how other people deal with this. We usually both end up crying and so far the majority of the time I try and distract her with a cup of tea and say we will go later. Hope this makes sense and would appreciate any advice.

Rang Demetia Support today and was advised to join the forum

 

[karaokePete]

Hello @Jazzmax and welcome to the forum. You are now in the right place for advice and support.

It's tough when your spouse or partner doesn't recognize you - I know from experience with my wife. I have found that reassurance and distraction has helped me with that one and I'm sorry it hasn't always worked for you.

The 'looking for home' issue is common and one theory is that it's not so much a place that's being sought, but rather the feeling of security that was felt in the childhood home. It can help to enquire if there is something causing a worry as you may be able to address that.

Overall, don't underestimate the possibility that anxiety and/or depression may be present as they are common bedfellows of dementia. The GP may be able to help there. My wife suffers with both conditions, as well as her dementia, and is medicated separately for that. Every now and then tweaks to my wife's meds have helped us.

You may find some useful information in the Publications List attached to the site and if you want to check that out just click the link at the end of this post.

Other than that, do stick around and continue to post as you will get support here.

Print and online publications about dementia: Full list

Here, you will find our full list of publications that you can download or order as printed copies.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[northumbrian_k]

These things are all too common @Jazzmax Before she moved into care my wife would address me by name to ask me when I would be coming back. If I pointed out that I am K she would say that there must be a another K as I was not the one she wanted. As with her requests to go 'home', it seems that the version of me she wanted was from somewhere in her memory and imagination. It is pointless trying to correct, or to get them to recognise current reality. All one can do is to find a form of words that is sufficient to distract. It may involve drinking lots of tea or at least saying that you will do whatever it is 'later'.

There is some guidance on this site about 'Compassionate Communication' which you may find helpful. If you do read it don't worry about always living up to what it suggests. None of us manages to say or do the best thing all - or even most - of the time. I hope this helps.

 

[Grannie G]

I try and distract her with a cup of tea and say we will go later.

Hello @Jazzmax

This is the best tactic. You are acting instinctively. Other delaying or distracting tactics are it`s too hot, cold , wet, windy, dark, anything which will help.

Another strategy, if appropriate is a walk round the block. Often home will be accepted by the time you return.

My husband used to go out by himself, looking for home and his real wife. When possible I followed him at a distance and then `accidentally` met him. Sometimes it worked and he was happy to come home with me and sometimes it didn`t and he told me to go away.

I was lucky to have my son close by and I could text him for help. My husband always knew our son and he would take him for a while until he came through this episode.
Do you have anyone you can call on for help?

I`m glad you were advised to join the forum. Your problems won`t be sorted but at least you will be able to share them with people who know how it is for you.

 

[Jazzmax]

I would like to thank those of you that responded to my post last night. I have answered individually but it won't send as this was my first post and I need 10 before I can answer. I didn't want you to think I was rude!

My partner is on Rivastigmine and Mementine for Alzheimer's and Mirtazapine for depression. Hopefully the GP may be able to tweak one of the meds to help a bit. Unfortunately our closest relative is 90 mins away and with lockdown and shielding haven't seen anyone since August so no back up for me.

I will look at the publications as suggested.

I will persevere with the distractions and see what the GP has to say.

Thank you once again and apologies for having to post a general reply and not the personalosed ones I had originally written.

 

[northumbrian_k]

I would like to thank those of you that responded to my post last night. I have answered individually but it won't send as this was my first post and I need 10 before I can answer. I didn't want you to think I was rude!

My partner is on Rivastigmine and Mementine for Alzheimer's and Mirtazapine for depression. Hopefully the GP may be able to tweak one of the meds to help a bit. Unfortunately our closest relative is 90 mins away and with lockdown and shielding haven't seen anyone since August so no back up for me.

I will look at the publications as suggested.

I will persevere with the distractions and see what the GP has to say.

Thank you once again and apologies for having to post a general reply and not the personalosed ones I had originally written.

That's fine @Jazzmax There's no expectation that people will be thanked or responded to individually for advice and it is not considered to be rude if you don't. One could spend a lot of time doing that otherwise. That's not always possible alongside caring responsibilities. It is enough to know that we are able to offer advice that we hope is found helpful.

If you feel that you want to thank people then a general reply is sufficient and goes down well. I sometimes do that by replying to my own post, perhaps with an update, some further information or another question. Rather as you have done here.

Now you have found us do keep posting. You may start by seeking advice but I am sure that someday you will be able to help others benefit from your experience too. It is this spirit of shared support and mutual endeavour that makes the DTP community so special.