My wife is 83 and has Alzheimer's and was Diagnosed 3 years ago. She has deteriorated quite a lot since Christmas and now dosen't want to stay in our home and wants to go home. The first words that she says when she gets up is, am I going home now or when am I going home. This continues relentlessly all day with no break and when I take her out she continually asks me to take her home. At home she now will not take her shoes off and gathers clothes ect and demands that I let her go home and I got to the stage that I have to keep the door locked. Even when we have our meals she is asking if she can go home. She is on medication, Memantine 20 mg once a day, Mirtazapine 15 mg once a day,, Pregabain 50 mg twice a day and Diazepam 2 mg no more than twice a day, the Diazepam dosen't seem to help at all and I just don't know what I can do about the relentless wanting to go home, the last few days she has got up at 0230 wandering about the house saying that she wants to go home so now a good night's sleep is not possible. We don't have any family so there is no one to help. I only get 3 hrs a week to myself each week and that is comming to a end and no one can tell me what will happen when this comes to a end. We get a visit from a psychiatric nurse every two weeks or so and she know the problem and she advises her consultant of the problems and prescribes the medication. I just don't know what I can do, it's getting me down. Can anyone advise me about the problem of my wife wanting to go home.
Want to go home
- Thread starter Josh60
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Many of us have had this problem and sympathise with you. It is soul destroying. With my husband it needed an anti depressant Trazodone which is the only medication he takes. This calmed him down and although it didn't stop all the craziness it became much more manageable.
I don't know about these other meds she is already taking but I would be asking the CPN to recommend two weeks respite in a care home to give you a break. Without that you may become ill and so she would be there permanently. Be insistent. You need it.
I don't know about these other meds she is already taking but I would be asking the CPN to recommend two weeks respite in a care home to give you a break. Without that you may become ill and so she would be there permanently. Be insistent. You need it.
Home is an abstract concept - a place of safety, maybe her childhood home but often just a place she felt in control. Now due to the dementia she feels confused and is trying to regain a sense of belonging and knowing where she is. This kind of anxiety is hard to deal with but simply telling her she is at home already will not help. Instead maybe reassure her that you are there for her and that she is safe?
I would speak to the psychiatric nurse and ask for a medication review if the ones she is one do not seem to help at all.
Your sleep deprivation is worrying. You need sufficient sleep so I would urgently get on to Social Services and ask for another carers assessment. You are entitled to one by law. Maybe they can grant a few respite weeks so you can catch up on sleep, and you have to ask for more support generally. It's ridiculous to cut the few hours you are getting! You need to tell them that they have duty of care for a vulnerable adult at risk and if you suffer carers breakdown because you have no support at all, you will fall ill and your wife will have to end up in a care home, which will cost them much more in the long run!
I would speak to the psychiatric nurse and ask for a medication review if the ones she is one do not seem to help at all.
Your sleep deprivation is worrying. You need sufficient sleep so I would urgently get on to Social Services and ask for another carers assessment. You are entitled to one by law. Maybe they can grant a few respite weeks so you can catch up on sleep, and you have to ask for more support generally. It's ridiculous to cut the few hours you are getting! You need to tell them that they have duty of care for a vulnerable adult at risk and if you suffer carers breakdown because you have no support at all, you will fall ill and your wife will have to end up in a care home, which will cost them much more in the long run!
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You are obviously under great stress. Some respite, if it can be arranged, would give you some relief.
You should ask if the medication could be reviewed. One or more of the medications, or an interaction between them, could be causing problems.
You should ask if the medication could be reviewed. One or more of the medications, or an interaction between them, could be causing problems.
Only a small thing...but how are you responding to her? One of our members has had great results by always answering a demand with ‘yes’. ‘Yes, I can take you home, but we’ll go tomorrow’. ‘Yes, I can take you home, when the car is mended’. Maybe you could try it?
Thanks for your advice, unfortunately I have tried telling her that I will take her home tomorrow but it dosen't help as for all that she is very confused and also wanting her Mother she just says that I have said that before and I don't want to help her and then goes on to say that I don't like her and that I have never liked her.
Hi Josh, I understand how you must feel. This happened with my MIL, she lived alone and me and my husband looked after her by making meals, arranging any appointments, and basically being at her beck and call.
She would continually ask to go home, she would ring us constantly, even if we had just left her. I can understand you must be so tired and in need of some respite because we ended up calling SS on a bank holiday weekend and told them she was wandering from her home and we could not keep her safe.
We were exhausted, and we didn’t live with her for 24 hours. Now she is in a care home after emergency respite, she could not go back home but she would not have recognised it anyway. I strongly advise you to request a carers assessment, even a short respite would help your situation. Good luck. J
She would continually ask to go home, she would ring us constantly, even if we had just left her. I can understand you must be so tired and in need of some respite because we ended up calling SS on a bank holiday weekend and told them she was wandering from her home and we could not keep her safe.
We were exhausted, and we didn’t live with her for 24 hours. Now she is in a care home after emergency respite, she could not go back home but she would not have recognised it anyway. I strongly advise you to request a carers assessment, even a short respite would help your situation. Good luck. J
I have no answers, just lots of experience failing to deal with this well. But when the going gets relentlessly tough (ok, tougher) I try to remind myself that when my mother wants her home or her own mother, that's when she needs me most. She needs me to be strong and patient and hopeful. Hopeful that one day this will pass and she will be content within the ever decreasing circles of her own confusion.
Easier said than done though!
Easier said than done though!
This is such a terribly tough time for you. I used love lies too, your mums is looking after your dad, let’s have /do this first then I’ll take you home etc etc, sometimes they worked.
You however are a full time carer with no help and I really don’t know how you are managing esp with sleep deprivation added in.
I am sorry to say that you need to fight for yourself and I do mean yourself ! You see though you may not think so (I know I didn’t when I was up to my eyes with it) but you are the most important person in all this, without you looking out for and doing everything you possibly c@n for your wife, where/how would she be now.
So please find the strength , determination and time to fight for what you need to help you look after your wife. I too am thinking you need urgent respite care to give you time to recuperate and make plans, a carers assessment, a medication review and regular respite .
Imo you need to be the most squeakiest wheel that they have to deal with, they often give that the most oil. in other words be polite but very very insistent.
You however are a full time carer with no help and I really don’t know how you are managing esp with sleep deprivation added in.
I am sorry to say that you need to fight for yourself and I do mean yourself ! You see though you may not think so (I know I didn’t when I was up to my eyes with it) but you are the most important person in all this, without you looking out for and doing everything you possibly c@n for your wife, where/how would she be now.
So please find the strength , determination and time to fight for what you need to help you look after your wife. I too am thinking you need urgent respite care to give you time to recuperate and make plans, a carers assessment, a medication review and regular respite .
Imo you need to be the most squeakiest wheel that they have to deal with, they often give that the most oil. in other words be polite but very very insistent.
Beate, I once knew a nurse who worked with older people who were ill, they seemed to sense that they were on a journey home. This did not seem to depend on religious conditioning, often the behaviour was to pack up. Things put under a pillow or in a bag. As you said this word home is very abstract, it means different things to different people. I wonder whether it would help, if possible, to get someone to talk about this home, it seem very real to them. I know communication can be difficult, I have experienced that the right question at the right time has been like a key in a lock. What do you think?
In this hectic life many seldom have time to feel at home in theirselves, perhaps in the mysterious world of dementias this floats up and expresses it self as going home. This nurse also said some of her patients became very peaceful. I found that in my father, from being angry and agitated with everyone he found peace.
My own experience is limited, but I do feel what is real to someone needs very careful handling. Children are the same, their world is very real to them. Just like our dreams are very real too.
