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visiting

nannylondon

Registered User
Apr 7, 2014
2,475
London
Is it me or do others find visiting in care home difficult I get upset seeing how much Chris is deteriorating day by day no longer knows I am his wife and speech is just incoherent it is heartbreaking carers say he seems happy his mobility is going now shuffles about I can't believe how his Alzheimer's has worsened over the last few months at least the aggression has stopped but he is just a shell of the man he was just a few months ago and every visit I come home and cry my eyes out
 

Chuggalug

Registered User
Mar 24, 2014
8,007
Norfolk
Is it me or do others find visiting in care home difficult I get upset seeing how much Chris is deteriorating day by day no longer knows I am his wife and speech is just incoherent it is heartbreaking carers say he seems happy his mobility is going now shuffles about I can't believe how his Alzheimer's has worsened over the last few months at least the aggression has stopped but he is just a shell of the man he was just a few months ago and every visit I come home and cry my eyes out
It is hard. Takes ages to do the trip and, I find hubby wants to stay in bed with absolutely no conversation. So I wander down to the activities room to chat with the lady who runs activities just for something to do. You'd want to stay all day after doing the amount of travelling I do. Maybe I'll test a morning visit and see if it goes a bit better. I'd have to be up early to crack the travelling, but hey, it's all about sacrifice, whatever we do.

At least, thankfully, I do get good reports of hubby's behaviour. That's something to be extremely grateful for. I actually saw the level of care he gets the other day as he needed help with something and those who could banded together and pulled out all the stops for him. I could have cried with gratitude.
 

truth24

Registered User
Oct 13, 2013
5,725
North Somerset
Has your husband been in his CH long, Nannylondon? I only ask as I felt the same way when my OH went into his, 12 months tomorrow. The visits were very distressing for the first few months. I realise now that he must have been very frightened and bewildered as to why he had had to leave his home and familiar things and my heart still breaks at the thought of the pain I must have caused him. Since nearly the beginning of the year though, I have to say that my visits have become a pleasure and a joy. He is settled and content. The carers do a marvellous job and he cares for them too. Yes, he has deteriorated and will continue to do so but I am hoping that he will remain contented for as long as possible and I will continue to visit as frequently as I can until he no longer knows who I am and cannot get any pleasure from my visits. Having said this I share your distress at 'losing' your husband. I don't think this is feeling will ever go away.
 

nannylondon

Registered User
Apr 7, 2014
2,475
London
Has your husband been in his CH long, Nannylondon? I only ask as I felt the same way when my OH went into his, 12 months tomorrow. The visits were very distressing for the first few months. I realise now that he must have been very frightened and bewildered as to why he had had to leave his home and familiar things and my heart still breaks at the thought of the pain I must have caused him. Since nearly the beginning of the year though, I have to say that my visits have become a pleasure and a joy. He is settled and content. The carers do a marvellous job and he cares for them too. Yes, he has deteriorated and will continue to do so but I am hoping that he will remain contented for as long as possible and I will continue to visit as frequently as I can until he no longer knows who I am and cannot get any pleasure from my visits. Having said this I share your distress at 'losing' your husband. I don't think this is feeling will ever go away.
Hi Truth no he has only been in care home a couple of weeks before that he was sectioned in hospital due to violence and aggression which has stopped he has been to this care home before for respite and the staff are very patient and caring OH has already got to stage where he is not sure who I am and its same with our 2 sons the younger one found this really difficult as he hadn't seen his dad for a few months as his little boy had been very ill and he couldn't believe the change I think that really brought it home to.me sorry to go on xx
 

nannylondon

Registered User
Apr 7, 2014
2,475
London
It is hard. Takes ages to do the trip and, I find hubby wants to stay in bed with absolutely no conversation. So I wander down to the activities room to chat with the lady who runs activities just for something to do. You'd want to stay all day after doing the amount of travelling I do. Maybe I'll test a morning visit and see if it goes a bit better. I'd have to be up early to crack the travelling, but hey, it's all about sacrifice, whatever we do.

At least, thankfully, I do get good reports of hubby's behaviour. That's something to be extremely grateful for. I actually saw the level of care he gets the other day as he needed help with something and those who could banded together and pulled out all the stops for him. I could have cried with gratitude.
Thanks Chuggalug I guess I will get used to it I know he is being well looked after and the staff are fantastic I think I need time to.adjust to everything at least I am lucky that it only takes an hour to get there I feel for you having a long journey x
 

Gigglemore

Registered User
Oct 18, 2013
526
British Isles
So sorry for what this horrible disease is doing to your husband nannylondon. I think visiting brings those horrible feelings of helplessness - we feel we want to do something to "bring back" our loved ones so that we can have a proper conversation and share some happy memories. There's also the fear of the future.

You said the journey is "only" an hour but that is quite a long journey when you are distressed. If you are driving and tearful please take care - perhaps there is a peaceful beauty spot on the way home where you could stop for a few minutes. You may still need to cry and let out all the painful emotions, but it may make you feel more peaceful when you do get home.

Really hope you have a better visit soon.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,587
South coast
My experience echos that of truth.

Mum has been in her CH for just over a year and is now content and settled and is again a pleasure to visit. She doesnt know who I am now (though her face lights up when she sees me), her mobility has gone and I have to use a wheelchair and she has become incontinent, but I take her out and push her along the promenade, look at the sea and the boats and have an ice-cream or look round the local garden centre or even pushing her round the park. We have fairly one sided conversations and I tell her the old family jokes and family stories which makes her laugh. She also likes me to read Whinny-the-Pooh and the poems by Pam Ayers to her. I find that she is better in the mornings - she often has an afternoon nap and if I wake her she is much more confused.

You are still adjusting to it all, just as much as she is. Give it time and things are likely to improve.
 

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
16,303
66
Toronto, Canada
My mother has been in care, first a retirement home then a nursing home, since January 2001. I have found myself going through cycles of finding visiting difficult, noticeably when there has been a change in my mother's disease progression. There were times I took breaks from visiting because I was either mentally exhausted, physically ill or my mother was being absolutely horrible. Things are more settled these days but she has been definitely declining in the last year, which has made it difficult for my sister and I.

I don't know if others have the same problems after a long length of time, but I imagine some certainly do.

I'm sorry, nannylondon, I have no advice, I'm just enduring.
 

mabbs

Registered User
Dec 1, 2014
238
Lancashire
Is it me or do others find visiting in care home difficult I get upset seeing how much Chris is deteriorating day by day no longer knows I am his wife and speech is just incoherent it is heartbreaking carers say he seems happy his mobility is going now shuffles about I can't believe how his Alzheimer's has worsened over the last few months at least the aggression has stopped but he is just a shell of the man he was just a few months ago and every visit I come home and cry my eyes out
hi not been on for a while, glad Chris is in a home now, but sympathise at how he is deteriorating, its awful to see them in such a state, someone once asked me if I thought he would want to see me this upset, and of course the answer was no, try and stay positive, I am hoping Phil will be accepted into a home, will know tomorrow, first home said no. today he smiled and was calm, hoping he will be the same tomorrow for the assessment, he hasnt known who I am in ages, but think he recognises he ought to know me. If he is happy thats all that matters, sending a big hug and much support. Sandra
 

nannylondon

Registered User
Apr 7, 2014
2,475
London
hi not been on for a while, glad Chris is in a home now, but sympathise at how he is deteriorating, its awful to see them in such a state, someone once asked me if I thought he would want to see me this upset, and of course the answer was no, try and stay positive, I am hoping Phil will be accepted into a home, will know tomorrow, first home said no. today he smiled and was calm, hoping he will be the same tomorrow for the assessment, he hasnt known who I am in ages, but think he recognises he ought to know me. If he is happy thats all that matters, sending a big hug and much support. Sandra
Thanks Mabbs glad Phil is calmer I often think of you as we are going through a similar situation I am keeping my fingers crossed for the care home today it is more reassuring when you know they are settled somewhere more permanent hugs xxx Sandi
 

nannylondon

Registered User
Apr 7, 2014
2,475
London
visiting is no better

I feel awful moaning about visits but I really can't cope there is not even a spark of recognition any more and poor Chris seems to be deteriorating every few days.
He is urinating everywhere and keeps taking incontinence pads off and his mobility is getting progressively worse I come home and can't stop crying I hate this Bloody disease it is so cruel
 

esmeralda

Registered User
Nov 27, 2014
3,073
Devon
Awful time for you nannylondon, sending you love and a huge hug. Es
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 

mabbs

Registered User
Dec 1, 2014
238
Lancashire
Hi Sandi, so sorry Chris is deteriorating so fast, Phil is also suddenly incontinent, and he is shuffling but he still has a turn of speed when he wants to. The nursing home we originally picked turned him down, and we now have a far better one, even if it is farther away, although he doesn't know me or either of the kids ( ha kids both in their 40's) he seems content in my company, and he is (mostly) calm and smiley, hope it lasts, he only moved in today, so its all a bit much for him, but moving day went well. I too have days when I cry, washes over us, when we least expect it, but I try and remain strong with the thought that he will be well looked after, I am upbeat at the moment because he was happy and smiling in his new home, and the sun is shining here, but its now final, he wont ever come home to me, and yes I have known that for a long time, but now its real. Anyway enough of me waffling on, take care and always know you are not alone x Sandra
 

nannylondon

Registered User
Apr 7, 2014
2,475
London
Hi Sandi, so sorry Chris is deteriorating so fast, Phil is also suddenly incontinent, and he is shuffling but he still has a turn of speed when he wants to. The nursing home we originally picked turned him down, and we now have a far better one, even if it is farther away, although he doesn't know me or either of the kids ( ha kids both in their 40's) he seems content in my company, and he is (mostly) calm and smiley, hope it lasts, he only moved in today, so its all a bit much for him, but moving day went well. I too have days when I cry, washes over us, when we least expect it, but I try and remain strong with the thought that he will be well looked after, I am upbeat at the moment because he was happy and smiling in his new home, and the sun is shining here, but its now final, he wont ever come home to me, and yes I have known that for a long time, but now its real. Anyway enough of me waffling on, take care and always know you are not alone x Sandra
Thanks Mabbs you have been a great comfort and support as we have both been going through a similar situation at the same time take care x Sandi
 

nannylondon

Registered User
Apr 7, 2014
2,475
London
visiting update

Hi have not updated this thread for a while glad to.say visiting Chris has got easier he is much more settled he gives a big grin when I visit his speech has all but gone and unfortunately so has his mobility he now has to use a wheelchair but the fear has gone from his eyes and he is not agitated looking anymore thanks for your kindness when I was going through a rough time xx
 

chick1962

Registered User
Apr 3, 2014
11,282
near Folkestone
Good morning nannylondon it's lovely to see your update and to know Chris has settled and is looking forward to your visits . How are you coping ? The adjustment for you must have been very difficult and probably still is . Xxxx


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