Registered User
Apr 7, 2007
South Yorkshire, UK
I feel that I am not doing any good by visiting, because it upsets my husband, it upsets me and it upsets my daughter who I go with......He is OK most of the time, but when we go he is crying for the whole visit, . He does know us. What should i do ...


Registered User
Mar 7, 2004
Mary, you must do what feels right for the moment. If you are upset/embarrassed/uncomfortable then the visit does no one any good.

Please tell us a little more about yourself, and the situation, and then maybe someone here will be of more help.

Don't feel guilty. It takes courage to face up to this illness, and we cannot always be strong, all the time.

You are not alone, and we do understand. Please talk to us a little more if you can. Take care now,

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
Dear Mary, you sound so sad. It`s really difficult when you don`t know what to do for the best.
Have you discussed it with the staff at the home? Can they advise you?
Whatever decision you make will affect you. If you go and are all upset, you`ll feel awful, and if you don`t go you`ll feel guilty.
Perhaps you could try the two different ways and see what happens.
I could imagine my husband to be like that too, and that`s why I feel for you.
I hope someone else might have a better suggestion and I hope you`ll stay in contact, now you`ve taken the first step.
Something may crop up which you`ll find really helpful. I do hope so.
Love xx


Registered User
Jul 10, 2006
south lanarkshire
Hi MaryP

Does your husband cry when you aren't there, or is he OK? Have you spoken to the care manager or his key worker? Do you have a CPN involved? Maybe anti- depressant medication would help.

After leaving my parent's care home in tears, often. I found out, that when I am not there, Mum is nearly fine.

Mum pleads with me not to leave her.

Normally, I leave at tea time and she wants me to come and eat with them, then gets really agitated when I say I can't. I think, this is discouraged by the care home, although I have never put it to the test, I use tea time as a distraction, so that I can leave.

The other day, when I was tip- toeing past the dining room, on my way out, there was Mum trying to persuade another resident's visitor to eat with her. It makes me feel less guilty, that it isn't just me she wants.

Hope things settle down and improve for you and your family so that you can enjoy your visits with your husband as much as it is possible.


Margaret W

Registered User
Apr 28, 2007
North Derbyshire
Wow, I have this yet to come. My mum isn't in a care home yet. I don't think she would be half as worried as your parents are. But if it had been my mother in law instead, I can put myself in your shoes. I have no experience of this. I can only say, do what you can, when you can. My mother in law was not suffering dementia of any sort, but when she went into a care home for physical problems (not really sure what the were, just old age), she became very demanding of us, and she too would want anyone to stay and talk to her. But she didn't want to talk to people, she wanted to talk AT people. So I think volunteer listeners would have been idea.

Can't advise, too new to this, but maybe not all the difficulties are to do with Dementia.

Love to all



Registered User
Jul 2, 2006
Newport, Gwent
Sometimes mum is fine when I leave, others she is not.

At these times I take her back to the lounge where the other residents are, I ask one of the staff to make her a cuppa and get them to chat with her while I make my exit.

Its usually that final turn around and wave goodbye that sets her off (and me), but if she is chatting to one of the staff she doesn't take quite so much notice that I'm going.

If I were you I would have a chat with the staff and suggest this is what you would like to happen when its time for you to leave. Worth giving it a try.



Registered User
Apr 15, 2007
Dear Mary
I can sympathize with you, sorry I can not suggest anything to make you situation better. My mum has been in a care home for a month and there are no tears, but she wont settle, and it is a very rare day if I can escape a verbal blasting. It is emotionally draining and I do hope that things improve very soon for you. Hugs.... Taffy.