Registered User
Jun 15, 2009
Hello everybody.

Mum has now been in her care home for just over a month and Dad and I have a dilemma.

We hear from the staff and from her many other visitors that she's usually in good form, integrating with other residents and relatively well-settled. 'Nine tenths of the time, she's great,' is what the staff say, and I believe them.

However. When Dad (92, bad heart) and I visit she becomes aggressive and highly distressed - tearful, upset, threatening divorce, suicide - you name it, we've heard it. We keep the visits short and I seem to have the ability to let the abuse roll off me, but its clearly an awful experience, both for Mum and Dad, and leaves the care staff with the job of coping with her afterwards.

My question is this. Has anyone taken the decision not to visit their relative because of the distress it causes? We know she's generally ok when we're not there - would it be kinder to let it go at that?


Registered User
Nov 8, 2012
I wonder the same with my mum...and don't know the answer.

One thing I have noticed is that she gets more agitated if I stay longer. I wonder if the effort of trying to communicate on a one to one basis for an extended length of time is too muddling for her brain.

The CH staff always say 'visit' when I ask if my visits make her more upset, so I take their advice. They say she is fine after I have left.

In any case you can 'keep an eye' on her andwill be able to resolve any little problems more quickly if you see her regularly. So I think, go, as long as it does not cause too much distress for your dad with his heart problem.

As always, just my thoughts...


Registered User
Jan 3, 2013
But would your father be able to live with himself if he didn't visit?? Only a thought :confused:


Registered User
Nov 28, 2012
Moved to Leicester
I would say visit, just to make sure she is ok, you don't have to spend all the time there focused on her (sometimes that can be the root cause of the agitation I am told), you can interact with other residents, the staff? Is there antyhing you can do together? My mum likes to look at photo albums, sort and fold napkins and handkerchiefs, untangle a ball of wool, very occasionally manages an adult colouring book providing I do one too, these take the pressure off needing to spend a lot of time communicating on a one to one, although you may find other residents joining in, that might help too.....

Hugs to you and your poor dad x


Registered User
Jun 15, 2009
Thank you, everybody.

I suppose I was thinking about Dad not visiting, really, since he really seemed to be the trigger for abuse and I worry about the toll it takes on his heart.

Having said that, we went to see her yesterday and for the first time he got an 'Oh, it's lovely to see you!' and I ended up feeling like a bit of a gooseberry.


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