I imagine that anyone who regularly visits a person in care for dementia wishes they could walk away from it, but as we all know, that isn't so easy.
Jan is 63 and has had dementia since she was 50 [first real manifestation]. She has been at the home for nearly 3 years now and when she first went there I kept on washing all her clothes for the first 18 months, as well as taking food in each day. I visited 7 days a week for 2 hours each time.
Since then I have handed over the washing to the home, and now take in only special bits of food, and generally I visit 6 days a week, for around 1 hour each time.
To get there each weekday involves a round trip of 140 miles, taking in a full day at work as well; weekends it is 50 miles round trip.
It takes at the very least 4 hours out of each day and is a constant energy drain that affects everything else I may want/need to do.
I would dearly like my life back but always return to the notion that Jan has had her entire life taken from her, and I am the only person outside the home who will visit her day in, day out. I've said before that her family dumped her years ago. Well, I simply can't dump her there, even though her condition is so bad now - perhaps BECAUSE her condition is so bad now.
From what you say Jane, you are on your own in this? That is what is most difficult and it was my position until a year ago.
One of the key things that dementias [in particular early onset ones] do is to make the partner think that 1) the caring process could go on for 5-10+ years and how can anyone stand that 2) that by that stage the carer will be too tired and prematurely old to start any new life particularly if they have no children 3) such huge concentration on the needs of the patient means that they are the only one that you could care for so much. These weighed heavily on my mind, maybe I'm just strange.
Since last year things have changed dramaticaly for me and the key thing is that I now have a new life outside all the pain.
I still visit, however, and will continue to do so. This is everyone's choice to make, given their own circumstances. My new situation helps Jan, by helping me.