Visiting

[Angry wife]

My husband was in a residential home when covid struck. I couldn't visit for ages or take him out for walks. There were no stimulating events like singing, exercise and crafts because of infection control. At Christmas, he got covid and spent 3 weeks in hospital. It left him unable to walk or feed himself and physio wasn't considered because he had dementia. I was not consulted about his wishes, but a lit of drugs and treatment were invested in saving him from dying. Then, any post covid support, as a mentally fit person would have received, was not entertained.
He is now in a Nursing Home and I am finding it harder and harder to visit. I get very tearful and feel it would have been better if he had died of covid and was now playing golf in that course in heaven. Am I a bad person? Why do I feel like this? I do this on my own as I don't want to bite my friends. My family lives across the water and my husband only has one other relative. If he was my dog, I'd have taken him to the vet.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

@Angry wife you really do need an outlet for your emotions. I am not surprised you feel the way you do. It does not make you a bad person. There were many moments during my mother's illness, when times were very bad, that I wished it was all over but eventually I reached an equilibrium. But my mother was ill over 15 years so I had a lot of time.

Please consider counselling - it may be the release you need. Of course, you can always come here.

 

[Shedrech]

of course that doesn't make you a bad person @Angry wife
you're human and obviously care greatly for your husband, so your feelings are wholly understandable

I'm sorry you were not consulted and that your concerns have gone unacknowledged ... it seems covid has caused many to be faced with such sad situations ... it's not at all easy dealing with all this on your own, so keep posting ... sadly we can't solve your situation but we will listen

 

[lemonbalm]

Oh @Angry wife
You are most definitely not a bad person. There are many of us here who have had similar thoughts about loved ones. You are among friends here who understand so keep posting and tell us how you are.

 

[Janey B]

Most “defiantly” not a bad person. Like already said there are lots of people here who wish their loved ones did not have to continue to endure the misery and hopelessness of Dementia.
I have recently been unwell and I have worried a lot about what will happen to my OH if I am not around.
We have been married for 50 years in December. I know “exactly“ what he would say if he was able too ?.
Nothing we can do but carry on as best we can ??

 

[Bunpoots]

@Angry wife You have described my feelings about my dear mum who died in 2009. She suffered a stroke from which she wasn’t expected to recover but, being the fighter that she was, she did. The rest of her life was a misery. The stroke lead to a fall which broke her hip, she was unable to engage with physio and ended up (in her words) “a cripple”. She was also left with severe dementia. As her twin said “You’d be arrested if you left a dog to suffer like this”…

It seems cruel to make people go on like this and not treating an illness should be considered. I was angry too.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

I wish that when my mum fell getting off a bus and hit her head, that she had died that day. She already had mid-stage dementia but had managed OK till then. I wished it over and over for the next three years where she was 'living' in a care home. That wasn't living - it was a cruel parody and served no purpose whatsoever, leaving me traumatised and mum's estate considerably smaller.

I definitely would not put my cats through that.

 

[Jale]

Absolutley not a bad person, after every visit to see mum who has been in a nursing home for 3 years, is immobile, double incontinent and becoming more aggresive and abusive to staff, I hope and pray that she could go to sleep one night and not wake up. I know she would not have wanted to end her final years in a home and although the staff are wonderful to her she has no quality of life left.
Please look after yourself, keep posting - it is always a relief that the feelings and thoughts we have are very often in line with what others are thinking.
Sending hugs your way x

 

[Angry wife]

of course that doesn't make you a bad person @Angry wife
you're human and obviously care greatly for your husband, so your feelings are wholly understandable

I'm sorry you were not consulted and that your concerns have gone unacknowledged ... it seems covid has caused many to be faced with such sad situations ... it's not at all easy dealing with all this on your own, so keep posting ... sadly we can't solve your situation but we will listen

❤

 

[Angry wife]

Thanks, everyone for your comforting responses. I feel stronger. I have to psych myself up for each visit. I brush his teeth, clean his electric razor and, if he's awake enough, show him photos from my phone.
A life dozing with your mouth open, doubly incontinent, in a bed is not the life he would wish. If ever I get dementia, I'm off to Fair Head.

 

[Feeling unsupported]

I doubt there's anyone going through this, that has not at some point, wished their loved one could be released from this miserable existence. I know the first time I actually voiced my thoughts on this, it felt so wrong and selfish, but it is the truth. ?