--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've been a lurker for sometime on this forum, and have found it very helpful.
I was wondering what you think about my current feelings, as I find I'm no longer able to visit my mum, who has Alzheimer's.
I'll go back to the beginning.
My dad went into Hospital in April 2004, and died a couple of weeks later in the May of 2004. My mum went into respite care, and then when it was clear there was no way she could stay at home by herself, she went into an assessment unit, and then a couple of homes until she was settled in March 2005.
I live in Kent, my mum lives in Essex - I wanted to keep her in Essex, as she'd lived there all her life, and my aunt and uncle would be able to visit, along with my mum's friends.
In some ways I'm happy that things happened this way - my dad never had to make a decison about putting my mum into a home, as she was becoming too much for him to cope with, and my mum never had to deal with grieving for my dad. When we (my husband and I) took her to visit him in hospital she didn't even recognise her husband of 48 years, and when he died and we had to tell her, she didn't even know who we were talking about.
So followed a very difficult year. I don't have any brothers or sisters, so I had to deal with my dad's estate, apply to the Court of Protection to get Receivership to deal with my mum's affairs, deal with clearing my mum and dad's house and give up the tenancy and visit my mum every week and work full time.
So by March 2005, I thought the worst was over, my mum was settled, and as she didn't really know who I was by that time, I started to go every two weeks to visit my mum, to give myself a break.
But in July 2005, I had a anxious call from the home - they were worried about my uncle's (my mum's brother in law) behaviour with her. They felt his behaviour was not appropriate. I reassured them, as I felt he would not do anything wrong, but two weeks later, without going into details, he was seen kissing and fondling her. The police were involved, three more people came forward to report things they had seen and it went to court. The case was heard in June 2006 - he was found not guilty, but I believe he did do it - for four people to come forward, and go through the ordeal of giving evidence in Court, I believe something must have happened. Incidently I also had to give evidence at the Crown Court for background information.
Needless to say I no have no further contact with my Aunt and Uncle, so I've lost touch with the family I had left. Around this time I started going to visit my mum only once a month, as things were getting a bit much.
Fast forward to May this year. I went on holiday on the 19th May, so went to visit my mum on the Saturday before, the 12th. I wasn't feeling very well, and it was the 3rd anniversary of the day my dad died. But I felt as if I had to go, and frankly, the whole thing freaked me out to such an extent that I was ill for the rest of the weekend, and has made me feel I CAN'T go again.
It seems that people who don't visit are not very well regarded on this forum, particularly 'children in their 40's who are just interested in getting on with their lives'. Well, yes, I'm in my 40's and I freely admit I want to get on with my life.
I felt I lost my mum and dad at the same time. My mum doesn't know who I am, and has no interest in whether I see her or not. I know she is well cared for. Everytime I go to see her its like picking over the scars of grief, and I need to move on
So, I think I will probably only go on very rare occasions. Does this make me a bad person?
I've been a lurker for sometime on this forum, and have found it very helpful.
I was wondering what you think about my current feelings, as I find I'm no longer able to visit my mum, who has Alzheimer's.
I'll go back to the beginning.
My dad went into Hospital in April 2004, and died a couple of weeks later in the May of 2004. My mum went into respite care, and then when it was clear there was no way she could stay at home by herself, she went into an assessment unit, and then a couple of homes until she was settled in March 2005.
I live in Kent, my mum lives in Essex - I wanted to keep her in Essex, as she'd lived there all her life, and my aunt and uncle would be able to visit, along with my mum's friends.
In some ways I'm happy that things happened this way - my dad never had to make a decison about putting my mum into a home, as she was becoming too much for him to cope with, and my mum never had to deal with grieving for my dad. When we (my husband and I) took her to visit him in hospital she didn't even recognise her husband of 48 years, and when he died and we had to tell her, she didn't even know who we were talking about.
So followed a very difficult year. I don't have any brothers or sisters, so I had to deal with my dad's estate, apply to the Court of Protection to get Receivership to deal with my mum's affairs, deal with clearing my mum and dad's house and give up the tenancy and visit my mum every week and work full time.
So by March 2005, I thought the worst was over, my mum was settled, and as she didn't really know who I was by that time, I started to go every two weeks to visit my mum, to give myself a break.
But in July 2005, I had a anxious call from the home - they were worried about my uncle's (my mum's brother in law) behaviour with her. They felt his behaviour was not appropriate. I reassured them, as I felt he would not do anything wrong, but two weeks later, without going into details, he was seen kissing and fondling her. The police were involved, three more people came forward to report things they had seen and it went to court. The case was heard in June 2006 - he was found not guilty, but I believe he did do it - for four people to come forward, and go through the ordeal of giving evidence in Court, I believe something must have happened. Incidently I also had to give evidence at the Crown Court for background information.
Needless to say I no have no further contact with my Aunt and Uncle, so I've lost touch with the family I had left. Around this time I started going to visit my mum only once a month, as things were getting a bit much.
Fast forward to May this year. I went on holiday on the 19th May, so went to visit my mum on the Saturday before, the 12th. I wasn't feeling very well, and it was the 3rd anniversary of the day my dad died. But I felt as if I had to go, and frankly, the whole thing freaked me out to such an extent that I was ill for the rest of the weekend, and has made me feel I CAN'T go again.
It seems that people who don't visit are not very well regarded on this forum, particularly 'children in their 40's who are just interested in getting on with their lives'. Well, yes, I'm in my 40's and I freely admit I want to get on with my life.
I felt I lost my mum and dad at the same time. My mum doesn't know who I am, and has no interest in whether I see her or not. I know she is well cared for. Everytime I go to see her its like picking over the scars of grief, and I need to move on
So, I think I will probably only go on very rare occasions. Does this make me a bad person?