Visiting mum so heartbreaking now

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Portia100874, Jul 9, 2019.

  1. Portia100874

    Portia100874 Registered User

    Jan 29, 2018
    42
    Mum has been in her care home now for two years, initially we used to take her out and about and visiting her was sad but ok as we could still have some sort of conversation with her. She is now very frail, sleeps a lot and finds it hard to walk very far. Talking to her is very hard as she talks about the most bizarre things and nothing makes any sense at all, she is basically a shell of her former self and generally is very far away. How do you cope visiting your beloved mum who was your everything when it's so upsetting? Should I not visit any more ? Maybe it's doing more harm than good for me and her. Just don't know what to do for the best it's so heartbreaking.
     
  2. deepetshopboy

    deepetshopboy Registered User

    Jul 7, 2008
    114
    Just wanted to say i really feel for you my aunts like that now in a home , son goes to see her every weekend without fail so depressing i dont know how he does itis there anyone you could take it in turns to visit every other day or week ?
     
  3. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,214
    Female
    South coast
    When mum got to last stages I used to read to her from her favourite childhood books.
    You could also take a few things that might remind her of her past (a darning mushroom, a whistling kettle) and I talked about it for a while. I used photos to begin with, but eventually, mum didnt know who they were about.
    You might like to take in a treat for her to eat (depending on whether it might be a choking risk), spend time combing her hair, or painting her nails.


    I also used the time to talk to the carers and find out how she was doing, go through her clothes and see what needed replacing, see what toiletries she needed

    I dont know how often you are visiting, but you dont have to go very often.
     
  4. Portia100874

    Portia100874 Registered User

    Jan 29, 2018
    42
    Thanks my brother and niece also do once a week so I tend to go twice a week so she has plenty of visitors
    itoes
     
  5. Portia100874

    Portia100874 Registered User

    Jan 29, 2018
    42
    Thank you it's so hard ! I go twice a week as my brother and niece also go on a weekly basis. Just don't know what to say to her so tend to sit and hold her hand.
     
  6. myss

    myss Registered User

    Jan 14, 2018
    348
    Your mum sounds very similar to the stage my dad is at - I use the same phrase of 'being a shell of his former self quite often to describe it too. He's still in his own home and I visit weekly if not twice weekly as I'm one of his carers.

    When I initially started caring for him (with other family members) it was difficult in that I could see the changes in me which was upsetting alone but I can even remember before I started the caring the times he used to cry about it too, poor thing.
    .
    Now, years later, the majority of me is conditioned to how far his dementia has declined to and used to it all so the emotional moment are not so often. I try to get my dad's interest flowing and have bought puzzles, large jigsaws, building blocks, books, etc for him to use. Admittedly he had ripped or damaged them but I keep trying!
     
  7. Autumn16

    Autumn16 Registered User

    Feb 7, 2016
    21
    My mother is at a similar stage and I fully understand what you're going through. I visit my mum who's in a care home two/three times a week, which includes after work because I work full time. When I visit during the week it's early evening so she's always tired. Conversation has been difficult for some time so I cleanse and moisturise her face, which she really enjoys. It's something I used to talk her through when she could do it herself but she can't do it now. Even though she doesn't always remember exactly who I am, she knows I'm someone she feels close to, and me giving her a 'facial' seems to help her relax. She talks a lot to me but her speech doesn't make much sense now. I don't understand what she's trying to say most of the time, but try to get a gist of what's on her mind and answer the best I can, always reassuring her. I also massage her hands and it seems to be touch from someone who she has a deep connection with that makes the difference. it's not easy though but I have learned to take time for myself - getting exercise works for me, but it could be anything that keeps you on an even keel. Hope there's something that works for you and your mum - I know it's not easy though. Take care.
     

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