My mum has no idea who I am nor who my two siblings are but I think she knows that we are nice people who like to visit her. On her good days, she will engage albeit at a pretty basic level whereas on her bad days, she gets very angry, swears at me and even hits or pushes me away. There is no conversation really although I chatter away about what I have been doing, show her photos of my children or what the weather is like. Mum cannot really hold a conversation, she rambles or just makes random statements but sometimes we laugh together. I never know what mood she is going to be in!
There are three of us children who live near by and we all visit separately at least once a week - although we went months during the lockdowns with no visits. I feel it is important to visit to check on her health, I like to make sure she has not lost more weight or got any pressure sores or bruises - if concerned, I can speak to the senior Carer or the manager. I check on her clothes and other stuff in her room to see if anything needs replacing or I go and hunt through the laundry room looking for lost items.
We always take in little treats for her, a few biscuits, sweets, grapes, cakes etc as it fills the time while she eats them! I also have a crochet project to work on as that can stimulate a conversation as mum likes to touch it and admire the colours. I enjoy meeting the carers as well, Mum is not an easy person to care for and I hope that by going regularly, they can see that we care for mum and support them in their roles. I can go anywhere in the home with mum, we rarely spend time in her room now.
As the weather gets warmer, I plan to take her in the care home gardens, mum has a special Porter chair which we bought which can be wheeled outside.
I hope that once you get used to your wife being in the care home, visiting will become easier. I know my mum went down hill very rapidly during the pandemic, she went into the home as it all started and I’m sure part of that was down to lack of visits.