Visiting in the Care Home

Cuttingcrew

New member
Feb 5, 2020
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Afternoon all, a little help and advice please. My friend has now gone into residential care some 4 weeks ago. Her husband has visited her but it has been so distressing for them both. As soon as she sees her husband she cries and doesn’t stop for the duration Of the visit. He think he needs to visit a couple of times a week or more, but not sure if it’s helping or distressing his wife more. Not sure if he should visit Once a week or less, and unsure Who could help him. Thanks in advance of this sad sad time.
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
5,258
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High Peak
There are no right or wrong answers but it is often suggested family don't visit much (or at all) for the first few weeks to allow the person to settle in.

As your friend's husband has found, his visits are a trigger for his wife to get upset - which isn't helping either of them. Perhaps you could suggest he phones the care home to ask how his wife is rather than visiting for a while.
 

Cuttingcrew

New member
Feb 5, 2020
7
0
There are no right or wrong answers but it is often suggested family don't visit much (or at all) for the first few weeks to allow the person to settle in.

As your friend's husband has found, his visits are a trigger for his wife to get upset - which isn't helping either of them. Perhaps you could suggest he phones the care home to ask how his wife is rather than visiting for a while.
Thank you for your thoughts, both my husband and I have suggested that he not visit for a few weeks allowing our friend to settle. Crying each time she sees him suggests exactly what you are saying. I’m so worried about her.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
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Hello @Cuttingcrew

The grief and guilt we feel when a loved one is moved into a care home can be immense and often drives us to visit frequently, even when it is not beneficial to either the person in the care home or to us.

I think @Jaded'n'faded is right to suggest not visiting for a while but keeping in contact with the staff. Your friend's husband will probably feel very guilty and it will be hard for him but you could suggest he try sending cards and small gifts or occasional flowers. If these make her happy (he can check with he staff), he can continue doing that until the staff think it would be a good time to resume visits.
 
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Cuttingcrew

New member
Feb 5, 2020
7
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Hello @Cuttingcrew

The grief and guilt we feel when a loved one is moved into a care home can be immense and often drives us to visit frequently, even when it is not beneficial to either the person in the care home or to us.

I think @Jaded'n'faded is right to suggest not visiting for a while but keeping in contact with the staff. Your friend's husband will probably feel very guilty and it will be hard for him but you could suggest he try sending cards and small gifts or occasional flowers. If these make her happy (he can check with he staff), he can continue doing that until the staff think it would be a good time to resume visits.
Thank you Lemonbalm, your suggestion of sending cards, gifts or flowers is a good idea. It seems the staff are encouraging him to visit frequently but I cannot understand why when she is so distressed.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
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Thank you Lemonbalm, your suggestion of sending cards, gifts or flowers is a good idea. It seems the staff are encouraging him to visit frequently but I cannot understand why when she is so distressed.

I remember being encouraged to visit my mum every day, but that is apparently very unusual. I wish I had tried not going for a while, as she may have settled better. I wonder why the staff are encouraging your friend's husband to visit so often. Perhaps he could ask them, explaining his concerns, and see what they say.

It's awfully difficult to get these things right and we can only do our best. Most people do settle after a few weeks, so hopefully your friend will do so too and you won't need to worry about her.
 

Cuttingcrew

New member
Feb 5, 2020
7
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Ah, thank you for your encouraging words. I will suggest he speaks with the staff to aybe get some understanding. X
 

DennyD

Registered User
Dec 6, 2016
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Porthcawl, South Wales
It's so difficult. To be honest I wish I had had the opportunity to see my husband each day. I believe that the restrictions, both as an established practice but also enforced by Covid, were damaging, in that it broke the connection we had. I came across a booklet published by Alzheimer's Scotland, 'Action on Dementia; Letting Go without Giving Up', I think it was published in 2005. I've copied a section below which states:

"Establishing a relationship with care home staff Quite often, carers are asked to stay away for the first week or so to allow the person to settle. This is generally not held to be good practice – it is important for the carer to maintain contact, the carer knows the person best. It’s a traumatic enough time without feeling excluded. If the home suggests staying away, discuss it with them and go with what feels right. Alternatively, you could stay away but phone in regularly to check.
Some carers find that being asked to stay away for a few days sends a message that they are no longer expected to play a significant role in their relative’s life.
"We’ll take over now – you have a rest"
This may be well-meaning, but can establish a role for the relative which is hard to adjust at a later date.
Often staff-relative relationships are established very early on. The initial welcome when the person with dementia moves in can make all the difference for future relationships. Being met at the door, shown to the person’s room, introduced to staff and other residents, and being given a cup of tea can all be important in reassuring you that you have made the right choice. "


There is no right or wrong answer, maybe go with your instinct.
 

Cuttingcrew

New member
Feb 5, 2020
7
0
It's so difficult. To be honest I wish I had had the opportunity to see my husband each day. I believe that the restrictions, both as an established practice but also enforced by Covid, were damaging, in that it broke the connection we had. I came across a booklet published by Alzheimer's Scotland, 'Action on Dementia; Letting Go without Giving Up', I think it was published in 2005. I've copied a section below which states:

"Establishing a relationship with care home staff Quite often, carers are asked to stay away for the first week or so to allow the person to settle. This is generally not held to be good practice – it is important for the carer to maintain contact, the carer knows the person best. It’s a traumatic enough time without feeling excluded. If the home suggests staying away, discuss it with them and go with what feels right. Alternatively, you could stay away but phone in regularly to check.
Some carers find that being asked to stay away for a few days sends a message that they are no longer expected to play a significant role in their relative’s life.
"We’ll take over now – you have a rest"
This may be well-meaning, but can establish a role for the relative which is hard to adjust at a later date.
Often staff-relative relationships are established very early on. The initial welcome when the person with dementia moves in can make all the difference for future relationships. Being met at the door, shown to the person’s room, introduced to staff and other residents, and being given a cup of tea can all be important in reassuring you that you have made the right choice. "


There is no right or wrong answer, maybe go with your instinct.
Thank you for your thoughts, and also for the section from the booklet. I'm Hoping it will all work out and my friend sill settle in.
 

JC51

Registered User
Jan 5, 2021
381
0
My wife has now been in her care home for four weeks, I visited twice after giving her four days to settle in. She is in EMI care, and for two weeks I couldn’t go because of covid getting into the home.
I went today after getting the all clear, but I wish I hadn’t. Even though she was up she was so different, I struggled to think of something to say, she wasn’t listening and then started emptying thing’s out of the drawers. After twenty minutes I couldn’t bear to see her like it and left. I think I shall just ring from now on, or is that a bad thing?
She doesn’t really know who I am, and when I mentioned my sons names it meant nothing to her.
How often do people visit when their loved one is like this? I really don’t know what is the best option.
 
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canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
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South coast
When someone moves into a care home they always get good days and bad days @JC51 . Just because someone is a certain way one time you visit it does not necessarily mean that they will always be like that. She will not be the person that you once married, but there may be more of a connection on another day.

The other thing is that it is a good idea to go so that you can keep an eye on her care - go through her wardrobe and drawers and turf out things that are not hers (I used to send it back to the laundry) and see if there are things that need replacing. The industrial washers and dryers give the clothes a real bashing and they wear out quite quickly and need replacing. I used to check up on mums toiletries so that I could buy stuff she was getting low on. Also look for things that are missing so that you can alert staff to look for them.

Talk to the staff and find out how she is and whether they have any concerns. Equally, if you are concerned about something you can bring it to their attention. You are now her advocate and her voice now that she has none.

You dont have go every day, though. Would you find once a week OK?
 

Lynmax

Registered User
Nov 1, 2016
1,045
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My mum has no idea who I am nor who my two siblings are but I think she knows that we are nice people who like to visit her. On her good days, she will engage albeit at a pretty basic level whereas on her bad days, she gets very angry, swears at me and even hits or pushes me away. There is no conversation really although I chatter away about what I have been doing, show her photos of my children or what the weather is like. Mum cannot really hold a conversation, she rambles or just makes random statements but sometimes we laugh together. I never know what mood she is going to be in!

There are three of us children who live near by and we all visit separately at least once a week - although we went months during the lockdowns with no visits. I feel it is important to visit to check on her health, I like to make sure she has not lost more weight or got any pressure sores or bruises - if concerned, I can speak to the senior Carer or the manager. I check on her clothes and other stuff in her room to see if anything needs replacing or I go and hunt through the laundry room looking for lost items.

We always take in little treats for her, a few biscuits, sweets, grapes, cakes etc as it fills the time while she eats them! I also have a crochet project to work on as that can stimulate a conversation as mum likes to touch it and admire the colours. I enjoy meeting the carers as well, Mum is not an easy person to care for and I hope that by going regularly, they can see that we care for mum and support them in their roles. I can go anywhere in the home with mum, we rarely spend time in her room now.

As the weather gets warmer, I plan to take her in the care home gardens, mum has a special Porter chair which we bought which can be wheeled outside.

I hope that once you get used to your wife being in the care home, visiting will become easier. I know my mum went down hill very rapidly during the pandemic, she went into the home as it all started and I’m sure part of that was down to lack of visits.
 

JC51

Registered User
Jan 5, 2021
381
0
Thank you for your replies. I have been visiting once a week on a Sunday morning, and ringing nearly every day. I know she is safe and being looked after well, but it’s heartbreaking visiting when it seems I could be anyone to her.
I’ve made sure she has a good stock of toiletries, and enough clothes, although there are some things in her wardrobe and drawers which aren’t hers. I put name tags on everything, and only took a few family photos for her room.
I’ll ring again today, but it’s the visiting I’m finding hard to cope with.