• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can be found in our area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can directly access this area >here<.

Visiting in the Care Home

Cuttingcrew

New member
Feb 5, 2020
7
0
Afternoon all, a little help and advice please. My friend has now gone into residential care some 4 weeks ago. Her husband has visited her but it has been so distressing for them both. As soon as she sees her husband she cries and doesn’t stop for the duration Of the visit. He think he needs to visit a couple of times a week or more, but not sure if it’s helping or distressing his wife more. Not sure if he should visit Once a week or less, and unsure Who could help him. Thanks in advance of this sad sad time.
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
1,956
0
High Peak
There are no right or wrong answers but it is often suggested family don't visit much (or at all) for the first few weeks to allow the person to settle in.

As your friend's husband has found, his visits are a trigger for his wife to get upset - which isn't helping either of them. Perhaps you could suggest he phones the care home to ask how his wife is rather than visiting for a while.
 

Cuttingcrew

New member
Feb 5, 2020
7
0
There are no right or wrong answers but it is often suggested family don't visit much (or at all) for the first few weeks to allow the person to settle in.

As your friend's husband has found, his visits are a trigger for his wife to get upset - which isn't helping either of them. Perhaps you could suggest he phones the care home to ask how his wife is rather than visiting for a while.
Thank you for your thoughts, both my husband and I have suggested that he not visit for a few weeks allowing our friend to settle. Crying each time she sees him suggests exactly what you are saying. I’m so worried about her.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
1,715
0
Hello @Cuttingcrew

The grief and guilt we feel when a loved one is moved into a care home can be immense and often drives us to visit frequently, even when it is not beneficial to either the person in the care home or to us.

I think @Jaded'n'faded is right to suggest not visiting for a while but keeping in contact with the staff. Your friend's husband will probably feel very guilty and it will be hard for him but you could suggest he try sending cards and small gifts or occasional flowers. If these make her happy (he can check with he staff), he can continue doing that until the staff think it would be a good time to resume visits.
 
Last edited:

Cuttingcrew

New member
Feb 5, 2020
7
0
Hello @Cuttingcrew

The grief and guilt we feel when a loved one is moved into a care home can be immense and often drives us to visit frequently, even when it is not beneficial to either the person in the care home or to us.

I think @Jaded'n'faded is right to suggest not visiting for a while but keeping in contact with the staff. Your friend's husband will probably feel very guilty and it will be hard for him but you could suggest he try sending cards and small gifts or occasional flowers. If these make her happy (he can check with he staff), he can continue doing that until the staff think it would be a good time to resume visits.
Thank you Lemonbalm, your suggestion of sending cards, gifts or flowers is a good idea. It seems the staff are encouraging him to visit frequently but I cannot understand why when she is so distressed.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
1,715
0
Thank you Lemonbalm, your suggestion of sending cards, gifts or flowers is a good idea. It seems the staff are encouraging him to visit frequently but I cannot understand why when she is so distressed.

I remember being encouraged to visit my mum every day, but that is apparently very unusual. I wish I had tried not going for a while, as she may have settled better. I wonder why the staff are encouraging your friend's husband to visit so often. Perhaps he could ask them, explaining his concerns, and see what they say.

It's awfully difficult to get these things right and we can only do our best. Most people do settle after a few weeks, so hopefully your friend will do so too and you won't need to worry about her.
 

Cuttingcrew

New member
Feb 5, 2020
7
0
Ah, thank you for your encouraging words. I will suggest he speaks with the staff to aybe get some understanding. X
 

DennyD

Registered User
Dec 6, 2016
260
0
Porthcawl, South Wales
It's so difficult. To be honest I wish I had had the opportunity to see my husband each day. I believe that the restrictions, both as an established practice but also enforced by Covid, were damaging, in that it broke the connection we had. I came across a booklet published by Alzheimer's Scotland, 'Action on Dementia; Letting Go without Giving Up', I think it was published in 2005. I've copied a section below which states:

"Establishing a relationship with care home staff Quite often, carers are asked to stay away for the first week or so to allow the person to settle. This is generally not held to be good practice – it is important for the carer to maintain contact, the carer knows the person best. It’s a traumatic enough time without feeling excluded. If the home suggests staying away, discuss it with them and go with what feels right. Alternatively, you could stay away but phone in regularly to check.
Some carers find that being asked to stay away for a few days sends a message that they are no longer expected to play a significant role in their relative’s life.
"We’ll take over now – you have a rest"
This may be well-meaning, but can establish a role for the relative which is hard to adjust at a later date.
Often staff-relative relationships are established very early on. The initial welcome when the person with dementia moves in can make all the difference for future relationships. Being met at the door, shown to the person’s room, introduced to staff and other residents, and being given a cup of tea can all be important in reassuring you that you have made the right choice. "


There is no right or wrong answer, maybe go with your instinct.
 

Cuttingcrew

New member
Feb 5, 2020
7
0
It's so difficult. To be honest I wish I had had the opportunity to see my husband each day. I believe that the restrictions, both as an established practice but also enforced by Covid, were damaging, in that it broke the connection we had. I came across a booklet published by Alzheimer's Scotland, 'Action on Dementia; Letting Go without Giving Up', I think it was published in 2005. I've copied a section below which states:

"Establishing a relationship with care home staff Quite often, carers are asked to stay away for the first week or so to allow the person to settle. This is generally not held to be good practice – it is important for the carer to maintain contact, the carer knows the person best. It’s a traumatic enough time without feeling excluded. If the home suggests staying away, discuss it with them and go with what feels right. Alternatively, you could stay away but phone in regularly to check.
Some carers find that being asked to stay away for a few days sends a message that they are no longer expected to play a significant role in their relative’s life.
"We’ll take over now – you have a rest"
This may be well-meaning, but can establish a role for the relative which is hard to adjust at a later date.
Often staff-relative relationships are established very early on. The initial welcome when the person with dementia moves in can make all the difference for future relationships. Being met at the door, shown to the person’s room, introduced to staff and other residents, and being given a cup of tea can all be important in reassuring you that you have made the right choice. "


There is no right or wrong answer, maybe go with your instinct.
Thank you for your thoughts, and also for the section from the booklet. I'm Hoping it will all work out and my friend sill settle in.
 

Staff online

Forum statistics

Threads
120,681
Messages
1,768,140
Members
71,707
Latest member
Rob W