1. kennyuk

    kennyuk Registered User

    Nov 18, 2006
    35
    Dad is only about a mile away, I visit him every day, and have been doing so for the last 2 weeks.
    The problem is I don't know if this is helping him. He's very depressed just now, wanting to leave the place, but that's not possible. So my visit is mostly him complaining to me about the situation, and giving me a lot of grief for not helping him to leave.

    I don't blame him, I would be depressed if I was in there, but the daily visits are a struggle emotionaly. If I don't go, the guilt is as bad as the stress I feel while visiting.

    I don't know what to do. I feel i'm abandoning him if I let it go a day.
     
  2. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    Do you think he remembers that you went to visit him yesterday? As I do not know what stage his in with his memory.

    Would he know if you miss a day ?
     
  3. kennyuk

    kennyuk Registered User

    Nov 18, 2006
    35
    His memory is still fairly good, so I think he would notice if I didn't go. Although I would phone the ward and ask them to pass on a message if I wasn't going. Don't know if that would help though.
     
  4. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    When my mother was in emergency respite for 3 mouths she expected me to go every day , if I never trun up she would panic and have the nurses ringing me up , I did find saying to my mother that I could not come tomorrow more helpful , but not sure what your father reaction would be if you said that , also I did on a few occasion ring up care home , who would always pass on phone to mum and I would tell her , I was not going she was happy with me telling her that I would be in tomorrow .

    Back then ,yes it did make me feel guilt not turning up every day , but sometime for your own stress levels you’ve got to give yourself a break
     
  5. Áine

    Áine Registered User

    I used to feel that about visiting my dad Kenny - though dad was quite a bit further away (particularly if i counted the fact that work was 40+ miles in the opposite direction from the nh). I tried to find my way into thinking that if I was going to feel bad anyway, and it probably wouldn't make that much difference to dad day to day, then it was probably best just to do what I felt like as each day came.

    at least if there's only a mile or so to travel you can maybe make some very brief visits. i sometimes used to go to see dad, realise when i got there that i was just to tired to cope with it, but feel i should stay longer because it had taken quite a while to get there. i slowly learned that it probably wasn't doing anyone any favours to force myself to stay there when i really wasn't up to it.
     
  6. nice

    nice Registered User

    Aug 24, 2006
    17
    You say you've been visiting for 2 weeks...so he's only been in for 2 weeks then?? If that's the case, then it might just be a case of him settling in. Could you give more background?
     
  7. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Kenny

    The advice I was given by the Social Worker and NH staff was not to visit mum every day, and not to visit on a set day. The reason given was that mum would then not depend on my visits for company, that she would be more inclined to make friends amongst the other residents and staff.


    Turned out it was sound advice in mums case, she made a friend very quickly, and spends her days chatting to her. Which means she is not 'looking' for me every day and getting anxious about when I will visit. I just pop in on different days, at different times.

    I found it very hard indeed, but I do think it was in mum best interest in the long term, as this is now her home.

    Cate xx
     
  8. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Difficult one, to decide how often!

    For the first 3 years Jan was in her care home I visited very day, sometimes twice a day. 50 mile round trip each visit.

    Then I allowed myself 1 day off each week. From my point of view, I hated doing that, but I suspect Jan did not notice.

    Now, entering the seventh year, I go every other day if I possibly can, but sometimes have to miss a couple of days [such as this Christmas, because of illness]. Now the journey is 100 miles round trip.

    Jan is at a stage where I really don't know if she notices.

    I think the point is that we beat ourselves up unnecessarily quite often. We just have to work out a visiting regime that works for us, and for them. That will never be perfect, but then neither are we.

    From my point of view all I can say is that I will visit Jan as often as circumstance permits for as long as it takes, and at present that remains at every other day.

    Things are undoubtedly different for a couple such as us, as compared to another relative, or for families where someone else will take some of the strain.

    Best wishes
     
  9. Grandaughter 1

    Grandaughter 1 Registered User

    Jan 17, 2006
    141
    Hampshire
    I am watching this thread with interest as myself and my family find myself with the dilemma of how often to visit.

    Grandad has been in a nursing home for a week now and the 1st visit was horrendous with Grandad crying. Nan has only visited twice and I think she should be going more until he is settled - that's if he settles!

    It is hard as you don't want to distress them more by visiting but as you say, you feel guilty if you don''t!! I personally feel at the moment it's a no win situation.
     
  10. kennyuk

    kennyuk Registered User

    Nov 18, 2006
    35
    Dad is in a secure ward for assesment at the moment. But I think if he was in a NH I would visit every second day.
     
  11. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya,
    The thing is that grandad may well settle better if he does not receive visits from Nan.
    Love Helen
     
  12. Kayla

    Kayla Registered User

    May 14, 2006
    621
    Kent
    The Matron told me that it was better not to visit every day, as Mum would expect it and be upset if I couldn't go because of illness or other reasons. Also it was best to vary the days and times of visits, so I now visit two or three times a week.
    Mum has a friend in the NH and it doesn't seem to make that much difference how often I visit, as she tends to forget the day. Mum has good days and bad days and now she has settled down and knows the staff, she seems pleased to see me and not too worried when I leave. I think she may believe that I live in a different part of the building!
    Kayla
     
  13. mojofilter

    mojofilter Registered User

    May 10, 2006
    130
    St.Helens
    My mum's still on the assessment ward and I was visiting her everyday but the staff there advised me to just visit twice a week.

    Although the guilt monster still tries to get me to go everyday, I've managed to keep my visits to twice a week and my mum is much more settled now.

    I'll have to start looking at care homes in the new year but her social worker isn't convinced that she needs a nursing home even though she only lasted 3 days in a residential home before she was transfered to the assessment ward because they couldn't cope with her ....

    la,de,da,

    Paul
     

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