visit shows me the reality of situation

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by sistermillicent, Feb 17, 2015.

  1. sistermillicent

    sistermillicent Registered User

    Jan 30, 2009
    2,949
    My aunt visiting from the outer hebrides over the last two days asked me when mum was likely to be more awake (never) and what activities does she have (none)

    Auntie's husband recently died from dementia but his was so very different from mum's. I am wondering probably irrationally whether we could have made things different for mum, though at the same time knowing that I couldn't because dad would have said no to everything I suggested.
    My aunt and cousin were so shocked by mums condition it makes me wonder how on earth we can carry on.

    I want to go home and never come back here. I don't want to see mum again. I sound ungrateful, you may say at least she is still alive and we still have her but we don't and I can't bear any more of this.
     
  2. turbo

    turbo Registered User

    Aug 1, 2007
    3,851
    Hello sistermillicent, no you don't sound ungrateful, just at the end of your tether with this awful illness.
    I think seeing how shocked your auntie and cousin were about your mum makes you realise just how awful it is.
    I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better.
     
  3. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    1,162
    You don't sound ungrateful. It's clear you don't 'have her.' Not in any meaningful sense. Her body is there but she is not. Look after yourself. I don't mean that in a glib sense. Prioritise your own needs, if you have to. It's not being selfish; it's being sensible.
     
  4. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    9,525
    North East England
    I'm so sorry SisterM. It's just a horrible, horrible illness.

    A friend of mine who had lost her dad when she was only 20 said that to me, that at least my mam is still alive and I still have her. I know it must have been terrible for her to lose her dad so young, but it's so difficult for people to understand the situation with dementia. I'm afraid I took her comments very badly.

    I can totally understand you not wanting to see your mum again. I've felt exactly the same at times.

    I wish I could help you.

    xx
     
  5. angecmc

    angecmc Registered User

    Dec 25, 2012
    2,108
    hertfordshire
    So sorry, dont forget it is always more shocking for people who dont see their relatives regularly, they dont see the gradual deterioration. Also every sufferer is different, we tried getting my Mum to do all sorts of activities, but she just wasn't interested, your Dad may have done the same with your Mum, in the end you give up trying because it is too exhausting with everything else. Your Uncle obviously was interested in activities, it doesn't mean your family have not done enough, so no guilt please. As for not wanting to see your Mum, I feel the same , every time I walk into her care home, I get this sick feeling of dread, she is no longer my real Mum, she is a stranger who most of the time doesn't know who I am. Sending you hugs xx

    Ange
     
  6. irishmanc

    irishmanc Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    64
    Manchester
    Yes, the sick feeling of dread when you walk into the CH is familiar to me too. I too have wished that I could run away but I try to remember my Dad as the kind and loving father that he was which helps a bit.
     
  7. sistermillicent

    sistermillicent Registered User

    Jan 30, 2009
    2,949
    Thank you for your posts, I am now feeling better as I am back home again, mum is once again in respite so I know for the next two weeks I am not going to have to deal with a crisis.
    I feel bad for my aunt and my cousin, I tried to warn them on the journey there but I think they didn't understand even though they have just been on another dementia journey themselves. Also losing my uncle so recently must have made it so much harder.

    Mum looks like some kind of a bag lady, dad doesn't wash her properly or do her hair, her clothes are always in a state and it upset me that he didn't put her in anything half way decent for their visit. I know it's superficial but they had come hundreds of miles. I washed her hair and de-bearded her, put on some moisturiser and a bit of foundation and she looked better for their second day, but her awful clothes and her slumped over posture which looks so uncomfortable, her permanently pained expression and her wild crazy eyes when she opens them just can't be disguised.
     
  8. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    9,525
    North East England
    Big hugs for you, try to have a rest and look after yourself for a change. Do you have anything nice planned for while your mum is in respite? I do hope so - even just a cuppa in a garden centre with a friend is enough to brighten my day. xx
     
  9. sistermillicent

    sistermillicent Registered User

    Jan 30, 2009
    2,949
    Yes, CG I am out to lunch today to look at a friend's kitchen as we badly need something done with ours. I have planned a girls night out on Friday and will see the book group ladies some time too.
    It's half term so I am off duty, I intend to watch some TV, in particular Gosford Park which I recorded over Christmas and haven't seen yet. And I will do some quilting.

    Thanks, you have helped by making me think!
     
  10. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    9,525
    North East England
    Oh I'm so pleased to hear your plans, I hope you have a lovely time over the next few days and manage to put your worries to one side for a while :).
     

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