See the man
Connie,
No doubt you do,... do too good a job, you are a wonderful person. I thought I'd just write to say I needed to read your post and hopefully mine will help you too. Even though Dad is well past Lionel's stage and we no longer have the strain of 24hr care, I found myself almost hysterical last night and have been very bad and taken a sick day from work today for I just felt I couldn't cope dealing with all the 'normal' people. The 'normal' people who seem to have no clue that Dad's situation is absolutely ripping me apart emotionally, the normal people who don't seem to notice that Dad is a human being who is being destroyed right in front of me, I'm sure he could have an arm drop off and everybody would just shrug their shoulders! They are not even aware of how I am teetering on the brink of a chasm, barely able to continue to look like the rest of the 'normal' people. I just want to sit down, not go to work and wail about Dad, I want people to see how he is declining and I want them to recognise and acknowledge the human tragedy that is occurring right in front of them.
I sit there thinking what is wrong with me, why does everyone else think I should be unphased by the destruction I am seeing?? Even my other family members think I am strange and I would think perhaps its all in my head or I am over dramatising the situation if it wasn't for the fact that tears pour out of me and I don't do anything consciously to bring them on, I'm not even really in touch with why they come. I guess I just want someone else to have the energy (not everyday, but just every now and then) to look like they want to try to help Dad, I know rationally we should just give up on him, and thats what everyone else has done, but he's still here, he's still wanting to live, he still has hope. How can I take that away from him and be like all the rest, but how can I keep doing this alone, with no understanding from anyone else?
Even hubby-to-be copped it last night, because as wonderful as he is, he wants me to deal with this alone, no one wants to come near this situation with a ten foot barge pole and if you dare whine about it, then you must be losing it. I wouldn't be 'losing it' if someone else would be here with me! And when they all think I am coping so well don't they realise that I am faking it and the very strain of having to fake it, just brings me closer to the edge?
I suspect I have taken your words a little out of context, but it was like seeing me two years ago, so I feel like that maybe these same feelings are brewing for you as well. Apologies if I have read you wrong. If I have Connie dear, please know I do know this feeling of yours
I don't want praise, I just need someone to look at the real man.
I want to scream that out, so badly about Dad too. LOOK AT HIM!!!
And at times I am also angry at myself for coping so well, when i got a call last year that Dad had had a seizure stopped breathing and was in hospital, I rang work to tell them I had to not come in that day...and do you know I had to have a polite discussion of whether I thought I might be able to come in later on once I had checked on him and whether they really thought it was appropriate for me to miss work????? It was my own fault in a way because I for some reason am unable to show my distress without going over the top and making people think I have lost it. Twixt a rock and a hard place again, I either look like everything is fine, or I cause people to think I can't cope and that I am no longer a reliable employee, someone who needs to see a mental health expert themselves...when I know I can cope, I just should be allowed to be a mess sometimes and I wouldn't have to be a mess so often if other people would just SEE THE MAN!
Last but not least, I wish people would realise it is completely NORMAL to be this upset and that one
can cope and be this upset. One can't cope however when the rest of the world stresses you out even more for daring to look like you are upset. Let me be upset, even if you don't want to acknowledge what is happening to this man, I can and will for everyone else and then I can move on and keep being productive, if you just recognise what I am going through. Again its not praise I want, I just want to be allowed to see the man that no one else can be bothered with, I can't do that and be cheery, happy, and delightful all of the time!