Hi all, my dad (74) was diagnosed with vascular dementia almost 2 years ago now, though realistically he'd been showing symptoms for a good 2 years previous to that. he's always been emotionally and mentally abusive towards my mum, controlling and manipulative in private, the nicest kindest man to everyone in public. it seems with his deterioration these behaviours are worsening and i'm beginning to seriously worry for my mum's safety. He won't take any medication anymore, so is most likely in pain from bad hips (which he refused to get done while well enough because he always insists he's fine), though he won't admit it. also supposed to be taking meds for high blood pressure and also for stomach issues. The refusal to take meds started at the beginning of may when he choked on them and was unable to swallow anything leading to a trip to the hospital and an endoscopy (which went well but they couldn't get past a certain point), and a follow up gastroscopy which also had the same results - couldn't find anything because they couldn't get the scope far enough down. I fear this may be another major health thing on top of the others, but it's a moot point as he won't go to any more appts. He's lost a lot of weight this year and is down to under 10 stone - he's not been that since he was a teenage boy. Refusing anymore appointments, tests, medications, help. the lot. My mum has many of her own health conditions (major heart probs for over 20 years now - mostly brought on because of the stress of him but that's a whole other thing - one working lung, abdo/pelvic floor issues, a back that's basically shaped like a Z now, whole host of stuff), and is looking after him alone. he isn't able to go too long without needing the bathroom (though can do it himself), and is also struggling with getting jumpers on and off, doing up buttons, zips and such. Refuses to shower. Will wash himself at the sink but then doesn't rinse off the soap. Can't work the tv anymore, can't remember the way to my house, thinks it's been years since he's visited when he comes every week for tea. It's getting to the point that he soon won't be able to be left alone. For now I can mostly get Mum to come over once a week for an evening to get a break, but that's the only time he'll let her leave him, and I can get him to come to mine for tea once a week. I'm unable to help any more than this unfortunately. single mum, 2 sons, youngest (11) is severely autistic, i have fibro and chronic fatigue, other health issues too. I feel absolutely helpless here and honestly am sick to my stomach with worry that his violent outbursts towards my mum are going to become physical soon and will lead to her being hospitalise - if we're lucky. His doctor is a joke, and we've recently changed to a more understanding one (thank god) who has now helped us activate power of attorney. I feel like he needs to go to a home very soon (he point blank refuses any help in home, for him or for mum), for both him and my mum's safety, but there's no way he'll agree to that - has recently said he'll kill himself before that happens. I feel like he needs sectioned, but I know that he can also charm the pants off of health professionals, police and such, and so would manage to get out of it. With it being the summer holidays I can't leave my kids to go over to support mum and be there if things kick off, which I feel would be the only way for things to be escalated in the correct manner as she's too scared to call the police in case he hurts her or himself. He might try to take a crack at me but I would be able to restrain him safely and it would create a situation where the police could be involved and I'd be there to be able to sort of press a couple of buttons so they could see how quickly he can snap. I did this with his CPN (he was Not Happy at that) and she was pretty aghast at how fast he switched to being agitated and angry. I don't have a damn clue what to do here, but I know I need to talk to people who understand and have possibly been through similar. If anyone has any advice I'd be hugely appreciative as mum and I are at our absolute wits end! Thank you for reading.