violent/manipulative *before* vascular dementia, now getting worse. no idea what to do

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by nilyram27, Jul 21, 2019.

  1. nilyram27

    nilyram27 Registered User

    Jul 21, 2019
    16
    Hi all, my dad (74) was diagnosed with vascular dementia almost 2 years ago now, though realistically he'd been showing symptoms for a good 2 years previous to that. he's always been emotionally and mentally abusive towards my mum, controlling and manipulative in private, the nicest kindest man to everyone in public. it seems with his deterioration these behaviours are worsening and i'm beginning to seriously worry for my mum's safety.

    He won't take any medication anymore, so is most likely in pain from bad hips (which he refused to get done while well enough because he always insists he's fine), though he won't admit it. also supposed to be taking meds for high blood pressure and also for stomach issues. The refusal to take meds started at the beginning of may when he choked on them and was unable to swallow anything leading to a trip to the hospital and an endoscopy (which went well but they couldn't get past a certain point), and a follow up gastroscopy which also had the same results - couldn't find anything because they couldn't get the scope far enough down. I fear this may be another major health thing on top of the others, but it's a moot point as he won't go to any more appts.

    He's lost a lot of weight this year and is down to under 10 stone - he's not been that since he was a teenage boy. Refusing anymore appointments, tests, medications, help. the lot.

    My mum has many of her own health conditions (major heart probs for over 20 years now - mostly brought on because of the stress of him but that's a whole other thing - one working lung, abdo/pelvic floor issues, a back that's basically shaped like a Z now, whole host of stuff), and is looking after him alone. he isn't able to go too long without needing the bathroom (though can do it himself), and is also struggling with getting jumpers on and off, doing up buttons, zips and such. Refuses to shower. Will wash himself at the sink but then doesn't rinse off the soap. Can't work the tv anymore, can't remember the way to my house, thinks it's been years since he's visited when he comes every week for tea. It's getting to the point that he soon won't be able to be left alone. For now I can mostly get Mum to come over once a week for an evening to get a break, but that's the only time he'll let her leave him, and I can get him to come to mine for tea once a week.

    I'm unable to help any more than this unfortunately. single mum, 2 sons, youngest (11) is severely autistic, i have fibro and chronic fatigue, other health issues too. I feel absolutely helpless here and honestly am sick to my stomach with worry that his violent outbursts towards my mum are going to become physical soon and will lead to her being hospitalise - if we're lucky.

    His doctor is a joke, and we've recently changed to a more understanding one (thank god) who has now helped us activate power of attorney. I feel like he needs to go to a home very soon (he point blank refuses any help in home, for him or for mum), for both him and my mum's safety, but there's no way he'll agree to that - has recently said he'll kill himself before that happens. I feel like he needs sectioned, but I know that he can also charm the pants off of health professionals, police and such, and so would manage to get out of it.

    With it being the summer holidays I can't leave my kids to go over to support mum and be there if things kick off, which I feel would be the only way for things to be escalated in the correct manner as she's too scared to call the police in case he hurts her or himself. He might try to take a crack at me but I would be able to restrain him safely and it would create a situation where the police could be involved and I'd be there to be able to sort of press a couple of buttons so they could see how quickly he can snap. I did this with his CPN (he was Not Happy at that) and she was pretty aghast at how fast he switched to being agitated and angry.

    I don't have a damn clue what to do here, but I know I need to talk to people who understand and have possibly been through similar. If anyone has any advice I'd be hugely appreciative as mum and I are at our absolute wits end!

    Thank you for reading.
     
  2. karaokePete

    karaokePete Registered User

    Jul 23, 2017
    4,898
    N Ireland
    For the sake of all concerned, please contact the helpline, details as follows. The experts there will be able to help you
    National Dementia Helpline
    0300 222 11 22
    Our helpline advisers are here for you.
    Helpline opening hours:
    Monday to Wednesday 9am – 8pm
    Thursday and Friday 9am – 5pm
    Saturday and Sunday 10am – 4pm
     
  3. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    7,935
    Yorkshire
    Hello @nilyram27
    A warm welcome to DTP
    Such a worrying situation for you

    The advisors on the Helpline will be able to chat things through with you in real time

    Also you would be wise to contact your parents' Local Authority Adult Services and tell them you consider that both your parents are vulnerable adults and both are at risk because your dad will not take his meds and because of his violence .. tell them your dad's behaviour is unpredictable and you fear he will badly hurt your mum who is too afraid to make any report herself and that he has threatened to kill himself ... be blunt and don't downplay their situation in any way ... Make it clear you consider this is now a safeguarding issue, use that term

    Please be wary of using restraint on your dad ... It is amazing how strong someone can be when there is no longer anything to inhibit their behaviour and you cannot risk being hurt yourself.. do remove yourself and your mum to a safe place and let him be .. call the police their involvement can lead to them making referrals on

    If you think your dad's meds may help him, consider giving them Hidden in food ... Check with the pharmacy and GP as some tablets can be crushed so are more easily hidden but some should not be and some can be given in liquid form so hidden in drinks

    Your dad is refusing support is home care visits .. is there any way you and your mum could persuade Social Services to put these in place and then have the carers witness your dad's reactions which will provide evidence that residential specialist care is necessary

    Any possibility of your mum staying with you when she comes on an allowed visit .. then your dad will be on his own and you can immediately call Social Services to say he needs emergency care as he's not capable of coping .. tell them your mum has reached carer breakdown, is in fear of violence and unable to care for her husband any longer ... Sorry but drastic action such as this may be needed
     
  4. nilyram27

    nilyram27 Registered User

    Jul 21, 2019
    16
    @karaokePete thank you for the advice, I've given the scottish version of the helpline a call and they've had some good advice and were lovely on the phone. I may have been stress-researching all night after my mum's message about dad's behaviour last night. *sigh* Anyway, thank you again! :)
     
  5. nilyram27

    nilyram27 Registered User

    Jul 21, 2019
    16
    thank you so much for the advice, I'll definitely pass it on to my mum when she visits this evening. I think I'll be calling a few places tomorrow morning about it all. unfortunately dad has major refusals going on with food in general so I don't think it'll be possible to hide things in his food, plus the possible fall out if he was to realise that mum was trying to sneak his meds into him, you know?
    And unfortunately there's just no room in our home for my mum. I mean, I guess she could try to sleep in the teen's bed, but she has major back issues and has to sleep a certain way to not be in extreme pain. I doubt she'd agree to it unfortunately.

    Thanks again for the advice, I'll keep updating the thread as time goes on. a good way to have somewhere it's all written down so I don't forget things myself with so much going on!
     
  6. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    7,935
    Yorkshire
    Hi @nilyram27
    I do understand that it's tricky for your mum and the need to minimise any negative responses
    I just fear for her safety and also that Social Services may be reluctant to step in against your dad's wished unless there is a crisis ... your mum's absence 'on holiday' might just serve as that crisis and a means to get her the support she deserves ... tough love .. could she be talked into a stay in a B&B ... she would in no way be abandoning her husband, simply taking action to get him the level of care he now needs

    You can also contact Admiral Nurses who are there to support the carer .. when you do, stress that your mum is at risk www.dementiauk.org

    Definitely keep posting here .. it does help to share experiences with folk who understand ... and will be a valuable record for you
     
  7. nilyram27

    nilyram27 Registered User

    Jul 21, 2019
    16
    Thank you again, I’m also really worried about her safety. She’s over tonight for a couple of hours (all he’ll “allow”) so I’ll speak to her about it then. Unfortunately it’s really not going to be an easy road for any of us but things simply cannot carry on as they are. :(
     
  8. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    1,142
    The CPN has seen at first hand the problems. Put real hard pressure on them to sort this situation out.
    Your mother and you should have NO hesitation in calling 999 when you feel in danger from him.
    Keep any "Incident report numbers" from the police or ambulance services, it all helps in showing the true position.
    He is a "vulnerable person" who is not taking prescribed medication, who has no truly able carer, and is refusing outside care. There are personal care/hygiene issues.

    Bod
     
  9. nilyram27

    nilyram27 Registered User

    Jul 21, 2019
    16
    Thank you Bod, thankfully having chatted to mum this evening she’s in agreement, so I’m going to call his cpn tomorrow morning to discuss.

    Feeling relieved that mum and I are in the same page thank goodness, it’ll make it a lot easier. Though I’m sure dad will do everything in his power to make sure it doesn’t happen. *sigh* dementia really is the cruelest disease isn’t it?
     
  10. Rosserk

    Rosserk Registered User

    Jul 9, 2019
    126

    Hi I had exactly the same issue as you describe. My father fortunately got lost and when he asked strangers for help who called an ambulance because he was so confused. When I went to the hospital I seized the opportunity to tell them that he was a danger to my mother and I wanted him sectioned. As soon as they assessed him they realised I was right and he was sectioned and finally put in a care home. Word of warning my mother has never forgiven me! Despite the way he behaved she loves him and always excused his behaviour, he was always volatile and capable of hurting her. But I’m a 100% sure he’s where he needs to be!

    Go and speak with your local mental health team and tell them your mothers at risk and they need to do something, if they don’t you will hold them responsible should something happen to your mum. It is then up to them to sort things out.

    Good luck & big hugs x
     
  11. nilyram27

    nilyram27 Registered User

    Jul 21, 2019
    16
    Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. Have chattered with mum this eve and thank god we seem to be on the sameness page. So tomorrow I’m calling his CPN and will be speaking to them about what the next steps are. X
     
  12. Rosserk

    Rosserk Registered User

    Jul 9, 2019
    126

    Good luck it’s incredibly hard but anything is better than living in fear with constant stress and no end in sight!

    Remember clearly tell them that if he hurts your mum you will hold them responsible! If necessary follow it up with an email!

    Good luck x
     

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