1. JayKay35

    JayKay35 New member

    Dec 25, 2018
    Getting to my wits end - and it's only just started !!
    MY OH is showing classic, early signs - not yet diagnosed - but the symptoms are very clear.
    He has always been an Impossible Person, very difficult to deal with - along with Narcisstic personality disorder as well - it's been a horrible combination for most of our marriage - and I've been subject (I now realise, too late - to much psychological bullying as well).
    So that's one part of the problem.
    The other is that he is going deaf; he doesn't hear clearly what I say; what he misses he guesses - or even invents - so that instead of having to repeat myself, I find myself having to say that I didn't say what he 'thought' I'd said - and then he accuses me of lying.
    I suggested he go to have his ears syringed, as a first step, to getting his hearing sorted out.
    He's refused point blank; I was subjected a whole tirade about not needing it, wouldn't go, and why was I always nagging, that no-one likes me, that no-one wiould live with me etc etc etc.
    Came to a head on Saturday though.

    We were out in public.
    He was being very vague, not listening to me; it was a charity event, there were home cooked cakes and tea available. We'd paid for the cakes and tea, and then went outside tent to where the milk, sugar etc was available to be added to our cups. He just stands there, in the doorway, with a cup of black tea, with a teabag - this is a man who always has milk and 2 spoons of sugar in his tea. I told him once, then twice, then three times - that there was the milk and sugar.... and he just ignored me. I'm starting to shout at him, and getting very funny looks. In the end I just walked away, chose a table and chairs, waited for him to join me, and enjoyed my tea and cakes.
    He sits down - with a cup of black tea - which he's drinking, with no sugar.
    Something he has never, ever drunk before !!!

    Later on he starts to lose his temper with me; I had told him to wait by the front door while I went to the loo - he ignored me; I told him again, in a louder voice - and he ignored me; I then shouted at him to wait for me.... and he then lashes out at me, hits me on my face - in public - in front of people.

    He's much taller than I am, and physically still reasonably strong.
    Having hit me once, in public, I'm now becoming very wary of what he might do in the privacy of our own home.
    First step in physical violence towards me already taken place.
    I have taken to carrying round a small voice recorder so that when he kicks off arguing and ranting, I have got some evidence of the way he is behaving - but of course I don't always have it on me.....
    How do I cope ?

    Martial arts ? !!

    It's becoming a strain, find I'm in tears on several occasions now during the day, every day, for last few months.....

    It takes a toll doesn't it ?
  2. karaokePete

    karaokePete Registered User

    Jul 23, 2017
    N Ireland
    Hello @JayKay35 , it's important to deal with this development and also protect yourself. A chat with the GP may be a good start.

    There's a Factsheet about this issue and in the hope that you can get some advice from it here's a link to it https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/sites...ctsheet_dementia_and_aggressive_behaviour.pdf

    I have often seen it advised to have a safe room, with a safe exit, available and keep a phone to hand in case help needs to be summoned.

    This may seem like a step too far. However, I have read that it can be useful to report any physical assault to the police as they will record that and this can be useful as a paper trail if you ever seek assistance from Social Services in the future.

    If you want to talk it through with anyone the experts on the help line can be good, details as follows

    National Dementia Helpline
    0300 222 11 22
    Our helpline advisers are here for you.
    Helpline opening hours:
    Monday to Wednesday 9am – 8pm
    Thursday and Friday 9am – 5pm
    Saturday and Sunday 10am – 4pm

    The Helpline is closed on Mon 6/5

    Live on-line advice is also available in the UK and you can see the details of that if you follow this link https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/national-dementia-helpline/live-online-advice
  3. karaokePete

    karaokePete Registered User

    Jul 23, 2017
    N Ireland
    Hello again @JayKay35.

    I do think the best thing to do in this situation is have a chat with your GP. Many treatable conditions, such as depression, stress, thyroid problems, vitamin deficiencies etc., can cause dementia like symptoms so it's important to have a check-up. Please don't cause additional stress by jumping to the immediate conclusion that it's dementia. On the other hand, if it is dementia then a diagnosis may open up support for you. If your OH won't cooperate it may help to contact the GP with a list of your concerns and ask if they will call your OH in for a check-up, like a well man exam - he may just respond.

    Here is a link to a Society Fact sheet about the diagnosis issue. Just click the second line to read or print the document

    Assessment and diagnosis (426)
    PDF printable version

    Do keep posting on the forum for support.
  4. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    hello @JayKay35
    that's a horrible experience
    hard as it may be, please make a report to your local police so that they are aware of your situation ... if they have an incident report already, should they be called out again (I hope that your fears prove groundless, but just in case) they will know that this is an escalating situation ... and they can make referrals themselves
    keep yourself safe, have a mobile on you at all times and a room you can go to that has a lockable door and potential exit out of the house, eg fully opening window
    have a chat with your GP about your own worries to help you, and give the GP written notes of your husband's behaviours and your concerns so these can at the very least be put on his file
    it may be wise to say whatever you have to say to your husband slowly and clearly, and as simply put as possible, maybe repeat once, then let him be ... walk away and let him do as he wishes (as long as he's not putting himself in danger) ... if dementia is present, no explaining or reasoning or arguing will make him see things your way, so for your own peace of mind make an excuse to leave him be eg you're sorry you need the loo ...
    this thread on compassionate communication may be useful, no-one can follow the suggestions all the time but some ideas may help
  5. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    I'm sorry things are so stressful and frightening right now.

    The only thing I would add to the advice given is my experience with my husband's deafness. With him, just increasing volume did not help him hear at all. In fact, speaking louder/shouting was counter-productive, because when we raise our voice, it automatically goes to a higher tone. And that was my husband's problem. He could hear lower tones almost perfectly. He couldn't hear higher tones at all, no matter how loud. I learned to deepen my voice and speak more slowly and enunciate quite clearly. Vowels are lower tones, consonants are higher tones - so my husband used to guess at what was being said sometimes (not often successfully!) from the vowels he could hear.
    The other thing is, when we raise our voices, even if the person still can't hear us shouting, it alters in subtle ways our facial expression, and a person with impairment often has subconsciously come to rely on facial expression. So it could be that your husband is wondering why YOU are being aggressive, even though you aren't, if you follow? So I would just try (if you can) a lower, deeper tone, trying to ensure he is looking at you when you are speaking to him, and speaking more slowly. It helps if you take a deep breath, and speak as you exhale slowly.
  6. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    Hi @JayKay35

    I have to say I agree with everything @Shedrech has said. I had a MIL with narcissistic personality and she was difficult to say the least. But if she'd chosen to attack me physically she'd probably have lost!! It's different someone bigger and stronger and you need to look out for your own safety.

    I know from personal experience just how serious these incidents can become and you need to consider your own safety. Please don't hesitate to contact the police just to have a paper trail should you need help in future.
  7. Antipat

    Antipat Registered User

    May 20, 2019
    There is a training course called Non Violent Crisis Intervention.. I have taken it many times as I worked with mentally ill and mentally disabled adults . I know getting out and taking courses is very difficult when you are a care provider... but it shows ways to avoid being hurt without harming the aggressive person
  8. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    If this is the case it is hardly likely to improve if your OH is showing signs of dementia in the early stages @JayKay35

    As well as this I endorse @LadyA `s advice about communication with someone who has hearing loss.
    Raising the voice does not enhance hearing.
    Shouting at someone makes the facial expression seem more aggressive.

    If your OH has always had behavioural problems, confusion caused by the onset of dementia is likely to make him more defensive or even paranoid rather than more cooperative.

    I hope the links which have been shown in previous posts will help you find a way of addressing this situation.

    Please seek medical help. This is too big for you to sort out alone.
  9. Fullticket

    Fullticket Registered User

    Apr 19, 2016
    Chard, Somerset
    The best way I found in dealing with my mother was to say something - for instance, 'the milk and sugar are over here' - repeat at same level but more slowly if there's no response; it may not be a hearing problem. Then either go to the milk and sugar yourself, perhaps offering to take the cup and do it for them, or just walk away. I never found that a raised voice, confrontation or losing my temper ever got us any further forward; the only person who got upset was me - mum was oblivious.
    I think you are dealing with two situations here. The first is steering the person to do something and the second is avoiding confrontation.
    Going back to the tea scenario, whether or not he heard you, was he happy with black tea? If so, no harm done. If he had commented on it, you could have done the milk and sugar for him.
    But kicking off and being vicious and abusive needs addressing and you need to make sure you are safe, have a place of safety and have informed agencies, police, etc. that this might happen.
    It's a steep learning curve and I dealt with situations differently as things progressed. At the end I was (outwardly) the most patient, understanding daughter a mother could have. Inwardly I was often spitting feathers and as impatient as hell. But I learned to live with it and, occasionally, manipulate the behaviour to get results. I also learned to laugh - who knew false teeth could be displayed on the bookshelf on the plinth of my partners cup for golf (found the cup under her bed)? why are there chickens roosting in the laburnum tree?
    No criticism is intended here, I know exactly where you are coming from.
  10. Guzelle

    Guzelle Registered User

    Aug 27, 2016
    I often sympathise with you my OH is deaf and I used to shout so he could here me and that would make him angry.

    Whilst on holiday 4 years ago he got talking to a man who was also deaf and told him about hidden hearing and he let me make him an appointment. The hearing aids can hardly be seen and it has made it easier to communicate. The dementia is still getting worse though !

    I would contact the GP and tell them What is happening and ask them to call him in. It does sound like dementia from me experience.

    I too cry a lot it’s a difficult life and there seems to be no end to it!
  11. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    Where would you need to go, to access this type of course?


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