1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. alfjess

    alfjess Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    1,213
    south lanarkshire
    Hi
    I've had a bad day, not because of Mum and Dad, they are in respite, starting last Thursday, although it was traumatic getting them there.

    It is once again, my brother! He went to visit them to-day, (first time) at the respite home, which is really a great place and the staff, so far, are wonderful.

    He phoned me from the respite home and told me he was taking Mum and Dad back to their own house, that is, to the home where they lived 10 months ago (which they still own) and he would move in to live with them and care of them.
    When he tried to care for them before, he was buying valium, nothing new for my brother to buy drugs
    In 10 months he has never tried to clean their house up or do anything, when they left it, it was filthy. I don't have time to do it. I have taken out of the house, just what Mum and Dad need.
    My brother lives round the corner, from their former home and I live 45 miles away and am now caring full time for Mum and Dad
    They have lived next door to me in a chalet in my garden for the last 10 months.

    To cut a long story short, the respite manager called the police, when we phoned her to tell her of the problem, she had noticed that Mum and Dad were agitated and went investigate. On doing so "she thought my brother would assault her and he appeared to have been drinking" I must admit I don't think he had been drinking. Maybe something else:rolleyes: After causing the greatest upset for Mum and Dad, eg putting my poor Dad on the phone to me, very confused, telling him to talk to me,tell me, that he didn't want to be there, then shouting at me on the phone within Mum and Dad's hearing that SHE (me) IS PUTTING YOU IN A HOME. I ended up in tears when, I could hear Mum in the background very agitated saying WHO IS PUTTING ME IN A HOME.

    I now don't know if I've done the right thing, in giving the respite home my brother's details of where the police can find him (stupid I know) My parents would have protected him, no matter what, but I have had enough, I think??

    Have I done the right thing__ is my brother right __probably not __ I know, Are my Parents OK in respite

    Alfjess
     
  2. noelphobic

    noelphobic Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    3,452
    Liverpool
    #2 noelphobic, Feb 24, 2007
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2007
    This sounds extremely traumatic for you and for your poor mum and dad. You have done absolutely the right thing in informing the care home manager of the situation and passing your brother's details on.

    Don't really know what else to say except hang in there. Your mum and dad are lucky to have you.
     
  3. Irish_Lisa

    Irish_Lisa Registered User

    Feb 24, 2007
    37
    N.Ireland
    You did the right thing pet! Respite means that you're allowing yourself a break to regroup, everybody needs a break, carers more than anything!

    As for your brother - if he was caring for your parents properly he would clearly see that it's not that easy. I admire you and you're obviously doing a brilliant job. Stay strong and positive!

    Love. xx
     
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,668
    Kent
    Oh dear alfjess, what a dreadful situation.

    Are your parents still in respite or are they with your brother. I hope they`re in respite because they certainly don`t want to be with him. To cause that degree of upset to a couple already confused, is unforgivable.

    I really can`t believe your brother is right or he would have behaved in a far less hysterical manner. If your parents are still in respite, I hope the home might have been able to settle them by now.

    Take deep breaths, try to calm yourself, while your parents are in respite and give yourself some time to recover from this ordeal.

    Please let us know how you get on. I really hope it all gets sorted.

    With love, Sylvia x
     
  5. alfjess

    alfjess Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    1,213
    south lanarkshire
    Hi Granny G

    Yes, fortunately my parents are still in respite, because as the Manager told us, she couldn't allow my Brother to remove them, without informing the CPN and duty social worker. I had already flagged the possibility, last time I had respite, that this could happen. (Although it didn't)

    The respite home have been very understanding and have phoned 3 times to-day to reassure us that Mum and Dad, although agitated are OK and the staff are dealing with it, I have not to worry

    Alfjess
     
  6. noelphobic

    noelphobic Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    3,452
    Liverpool
    It sounds as though the respite home have handled a difficult situation extremely well. Try to take their advice and not worry - although I know that is much easier said than done.
     
  7. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    Yes you have done the right thing , I am sorry to hear all the trouble your brother giving your Parents , hoping that you now can enjoy the rest of your respite
     
  8. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,417
    Of course you've done the right thing: part of caring for someone is not putting them under undue stress, which your brother seems to be a master at doing. You are absolutely right in warning the home. Honestly, I doubt they will take it further (vis a vis the police) but it would be a good thing if they did, in my not so humble opinion. It doesn't sound as if he can take care of himself, let alone other people.

    Love

    Jennifer
     
  9. kindheart

    kindheart Registered User

    Jan 18, 2007
    39
    take a deep breath

    dear alfjess,

    i am really sorry to hear of your troubles with your brother it is the last thing you need right now.

    take a deep breath then pat your self on the back, you are doing great.
     
  10. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Alfjess

    What a terrible thing to happen. You must have been so upset last night, I hope you managed to get some sleep.

    Your mum and dad are obviously in good hands, and you have done absolutely the right thing in getting some respite for yourself and your husband.

    Jennifer is quite right, your brother is totally incapable of taking responsibility for your parents.

    Try to put this behind you, and make the most of the rest of your respite. You and your husband deserve it.

    Love and hugs,
     
  11. alfjess

    alfjess Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    1,213
    south lanarkshire
    Hi All

    Thanks for your support and reassurance.
    I feel a bit better to-day, although still a bit weepy when I think of the upset to Mum and Dad. They are fine and the staff are wonderful. The scene yesterday must have made their job a lot harder and I am grateful for their professionalism

    I know my brother isn't capable of caring for them, hence the chalet in the garden, with which he disagrees and critises for every real or imagined little thing.

    I think he is missing the money, he now cannot now "BORROW" from Mum and Dad

    I haven't spoken to my brother since the incident, although he has tried to phone me. My husband and Daughters won't letl him, because they know it would only be more verbal abuse

    Thanks again all. TP is a great place to unload

    Alfjess
     
  12. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,417
    And thumbs up to your husband and daughters for protecting you. That's how family should behave.

    Look at this way: there's a fairly good chance that your parents, because of the AD, won't remember the incident (although I think possibly an underlying discomfort can remain). I know that doesn't help you with your feelings, but try to hang on to that.

    Love

    Jennifer
     
  13. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,668
    Kent
    Hi Alfjess, I`m so pleased things have calmed down.

    If you look for a silver lining, the respite home can give itself a gold star for the way this really difficult situation was handled. You will surely have confidence in it for the future.

    Your family sound great. It`s so good to have a family unit to protect you from the troublemaker who is your brother.

    You are bound to be weepy. This whole incident has highlighted to you just how vulnerable your parents are.

    Just take care of yourself now. You have been through a traumatic ordeal.

    Love Sylvia x
     
  14. alfjess

    alfjess Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    1,213
    south lanarkshire
    thanks jennifer and Granny G
    I hope my parents won't remember. In the past, or indeed every week after my brother has visited, Mum and Dad know something is wrong but don't know what and they are harder to settle.
    If I could, I would ban my brother from visiting them at all, but my parents adore him, WHY?? and ask everyday if he is coming to visit? If he has been here? If I have seen him.

    I now feel that, if they have to have residential care, they cannot now go to the best place, (where they are at the moment) because with my brother's behaviour yesterday, I don't think that him visiting would be an option. Not that it worries me, but I think it would worry Mum and Dad

    I am between a rock and a hard place, best care for Mum and Dad? Or a not so good place where my brother can visit?

    Alfjess
     
  15. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,417
    Good place, no brother visiting would be my knee jerk reaction. It would be my well considered reaction as well, to be honest. Let's face it he could visit if he behaved himself. In a not so good place, he'd probably still not behave himself, and your parents would be worse off.

    Jennifer
     
  16. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Alfjess

    I agree with Jennifer. You want the best possible care for your parents, and if your brother interferes with that care he should be kept away. You don't want a repeat of yesterday's performance.

    If this NH provides good care, and is prepared to defend you and your parents, that would seem to be the ideal solution.

    Hard, I know, when it's your brother, but there are so many other peoples's welfare to consider.

    Love,
     
  17. alfjess

    alfjess Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    1,213
    south lanarkshire
    Hi Jennifer
    Thanks for your down to earth reply, you are correct.
    The care of Mum and Dad has got to come first.
    I'm afraid at the moment, I can't see the woods for the trees, I'm trying to think of everything at once and not doing very well

    thanks
    Alfjess
     
  18. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    Hi Alfjess

    Do you do lists?

    My saving grace when I get to that wood for the trees bit ..... sometimes it's just the 'things I MUST do tomorrow else the world will come to an end and it will all be my fault because I forgot to get lemonade' :rolleyes: ...... sometimes I do the 'What is worrying me most' list ...and offset it against the 'What can I do about it' list ...... if I can do something about it, I put that on my 'To do' list ..... so I can cross it off the worry list ... if I can't do anything about it I cross it off the worry list as one less thing to do something about ....

    Sounds flippant .... but it works for me ..... sounds to me like you need to work out which list your brother belongs on just now.....

    You're doing brill! Take a little time out to be brill to yourself!

    Love, Karen, x
     
  19. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
    Don't you just LOVE the way people like your brother and mine know ALL the answers and blame us for everything but very rarely (if ever) actualy DO anything positive?!! Having created massive confusion, distress and what-have-you, your brother is probably very self righteously defending his actions by accusing you of being uncaring, etc. etc. Oh dear, I'm so sorry you have had to go through this but I KNOW you are doing the right thing - for your parents and for yourself.

    My brother has been inactive lately (Thank Goodness!) but can still cause a huge amount of distress and ill feeling if the mood takes him!!
    I have such fellow feeling for you! Nell
     
  20. alfjess

    alfjess Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    1,213
    south lanarkshire
    Yes Nell

    You have hit the nail on the head. He is saying that I resent having to care for Mum and Dad and after only 10 months I can't cope. He obviously can't remember the 3 years before when I travelled 90 mile round trip every other day to help care for them.

    Glad to hear that you have had some respite from your brother recently.

    I went to the respite home to-day and apoligised, they were very nice about it all, but would prefer it, if my brother didn't visit again. I don't know if he will and I don't know how I can stop him.
    Mum and Dad are fine and have forgotten about the incident.

    It looks like I will have to apply for guardianship as I only have finacial POA

    Oh well something else to deal with!

    Alfjess
     

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