• Expert Q&A: Rare dementias - Tues 3 March, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of rare dementias. It will be hosted by Nikki and Seb from Rare Dementia Support. If you have any questions about rare dementias, they will be here to answer them on Tuesday 3 March between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

Very Sad

maggier

Registered User
Jan 9, 2006
78
62
manchester
Feel very sad and upset today
Mum said last night when I called round that she wished I had died when my dad did! (meaning me not herself!)

Now I know you are all going to say "it's nother it's the illnesss" and I know this myself but it is so so hard to hear those words coming from you own mothers mouth! I cried all night because I feel even though it is the illness, but that is obviously how she currently feels about me, her daughter! She hates me being in her house, and as soon as I walk through the back door, she is up on her feet hitting me round the head telling me to "get out get out I don't want you here"!! She actually clawed my husbands face the other night when we went round.
I do absolutely nothing for her at present. No meals no tablets no washing - nothing. Fortunately my brother goes every day and he is doing it all now. I p[ersonally feel she should be ina home for her own good (and possibly for my brothers own good!!) but he says he wants to keep her at home and he is OK doing everything for her. He works himself full time and has a young family so I feel guilty on two counts, 1 because I don't dfo anything for mum and 2, because it is all being left to my brother.
know there is nothing anyone can do but I just needed to "talk to someone"

Thanks for listening!

Maggie x
 

christine_batch

Registered User
Jul 31, 2007
3,388
Buckinghamshire
Dear Maggie,

I am so sorry that your Mother has put you through that.

Although we keep saying it is the illness, there is only so much we can take and we hae feelings.

If your brother want to carry on looking after your Mum himself, in my personal opinion - let him and say if you need me I will be there. But give yourself a break from going through that abuse.

Best wishes
Christine
 

jenniferpa

Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
39,448
Dear Maggie

I agree with Christine. She may be your mother, she may be ill, but there is only so much abuse anyone can take. All I would say is - make it absolutely clear to your brother (and his partner if necessary) that you are prepared to help him out even if your mother won't let you help her. By this I mean doing thing for him that they (since they are taking care of your mother) may not have time to do themselves, even if these things are not related to actually caring for her.

You may be correct, it may be coming to the time that she needs to be in residential care. On the other hand, this dislike she has taken towards you may well pass with time. This disease is nothing if not variable.
 

Helen33

Registered User
Jul 20, 2008
14,697
Hi Maggie

Oh Maggie that is horrible and it's no wonder you feel sad.

He works himself full time and has a young family so I feel guilty on two counts, 1 because I don't dfo anything for mum and 2, because it is all being left to my brother.
Perhaps you could explain to your brother that it would help you to be able to help him and that way you won't feel guilty. See what he and his wife/partner says.

In the meantime, sending you a big hug and we can only hope that this phase passes. On the positive side, your mum is allowing your brother to look after her so it is a lot less of a worry than if she refused help at all.

Love and best wishes
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
SW Scotland
Dear Maggie

I'm not surprised you're upset, that was a dreadful thing for you to hear from your mum.

We all know that people with dementia can say the most awful things to those who are trying to care for them, but that doesn't really help when you're on the receiving end.

You desperately want to help your mum, and she is continually rejecting you.

Not your fault, in any way, so please don't feel any guilt.

You may well be right that your mum would be better in care, but as long as your brother is willing to care for her at home, you have to let him. He'll know when it gets too much.

Helen's right, all you can do is tell your brother how you feel, and let him know you'll support him any way you can, short of taking the abuse. Perhaps you could offer to help with the youngsters to give him some free time with his wife?

And also let him know that whenever he's had enough, you'll back him all the way.

Love and hugs,
 

maggier

Registered User
Jan 9, 2006
78
62
manchester
Thanks you so so much for all your replies. It means so much to me. I hate "talking" about mum in this way but I know you all understand.
Please don't judge her, before this illness she was the best mum anyone could wish for she gave us anything and everything including her love and kindness. I miss her and I just want her back!
Love and hugs to you all.
Maggie xx
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
SW Scotland
Maggie, love, no-one's judging your mum. We've all seen what this disease can do to the loveliest people!

Hopefully she'll get beyond this stage, and you'll be able to give her all the love you want.

Love,
 

Helen33

Registered User
Jul 20, 2008
14,697
Hi Maggie

hate "talking" about mum in this way but I know you all understand.
Please don't judge her,
If we judged your mum, we'd be judging our loved ones too. I don't think anyone would enjoy talking about our loved ones in the way we do, but thank goodness we have a place to talk. In this, Maggie, we are all in the same boat struggling to cope with the changing behaviours of those we hold most dear. No one's going to judge Maggie.

Love
 

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
16,245
65
Toronto, Canada
Hi Maggie,
My mother once said to me "I should have chopped your head off when you were a baby". I simply replied "Too late now". She had a long unpleasant phase, swearing at me, trying to scratch & hit me (good thing I'm faster). Did it hurt? Yes, but I did get used to it, more or less. I would get angry with her - as stupid as that was on my part.

Yet when she was well, I was (and am still) convinced that no mother and daughter could be closer than we were.

None of us here would judge your mother, most of us have been in your position.

I think Helen's suggestion about you helping your brother out so he can help your mother is an excellent one. There are so many things you can do. It would be beneficial to both of you.

Take care.
 

terry999

Registered User
Mar 27, 2008
82
london
maggier - you gotta make sure your brother understands that you can help him out with other stuff. He will be time-poor now so anything that can save him time will benefit. He might be a saint but it will cross his mind at the most stressful times - my sister isn't doing her part. His partner will feel resentful because she has lost her partner.

Also men don't ask for help we TRY and cope and that can build resentment.

Try and think laterally about what can help him. This site is great for finding out about Services on offer he won’t have time for that. Or simple things like buying mum new clothes stuff that’s easier to clean and put on e.g. elasticated skirts.

My sister lives abroad, and disappeared/ no calls returned for well over 6 months when mum got really difficult. Incidentally lives in mum's holiday home where mum was born. She let out she was scared that I would take mum out there and dump her there. When I was trying to take mum for a holiday. Had to trick her into coming over to give me a week’s respite by pretending we were coming over.

Mum was difficult, in fact AZ has made her sweet an adjective I would never of imagined using about mum. But I owe mum big time financially plus I promised my Dad I would look after her.

She is still my sister I can't change that. But I now know she is a selfish person exactly like our mum was, amazing how similar they are. Its the only benefit of mum's AZ's that I learnt this now.

Long winded post, but my point is; Don’t let this horrible illness ruin your relationship with your brother as you obviously care.
 

Taffy

Registered User
Apr 15, 2007
1,314
maggier said:
I feel even though it is the illness, but that is obviously how she currently feels about me, her daughter!
Dear Maggie,

I once shared those same feelings and they use to eat me up inside. My mum never hit out physically just verbally. Like your mum.... totally out of character for her to act that way, nevertheless, it hurts big time.

I think walking away is all you can do and I appreciate how hard that is on you, having to do that. Be there for your brother that's all at this point you can do. My mum did change over time and hopefully yours will do the same I am really hoping that will be the case for you. Love Taffy.
 

Attachments

jc141265

Registered User
Sep 16, 2005
836
45
Australia
Maybe that is how she is feeling about you right now, or maybe deep down inside she is trying to get you to hate her, as she feels you would be better off without the burden of her?
I know maybe its just wishful thinking and maybe the disease has just twisted her brain so much she is just being plain old mean. I am only suggesting this because sometimes my Dad would yell at me to go, and although it would hurt I would try to think about what the 'old' Dad might have been thinking to be so mean...and yes I believe the old Dad would have at times thought it would be better for me to not have the burden of him, and I have no doubts he would have wanted to protect me so much that he would have been horrible to me, if it would mean he could??
When he did have those moments, I would feel hurt but I would firmly hold in my mind who he used to be, and simply do as he wished but would also tell him if he ever did want me to be there again I would do so without hesitation. Sometimes of course he would be too crazy for me to even get the chance to say that.
Perhaps you could ask your brother to talk about you when he around your mum, not talk about why she is so angry at you, and not talk about you so much that she gets angry at him, but just talk about what you've been doing in passing, and how you are helping him etc, so maybe if she keeps hearing only nice things about you, whatever is causing this possible paranoia she has developed regarding you, might pass?
Very very sorry to hear what you are going through it must be just dreadful. And I am sorry if my suggestions above seem to far fetched and impractical...only offering them in case...
Best wishes,
 

jane@hotmail

Registered User
Mar 13, 2008
49
Bedfordshire
Hi Maggie,

I think you've had some helpful suggestions, and I think the suggestions to always be there for your brother and help him out make the most sense. I don't know what your relationship is like with your sister in law, but I think it would be a good idea to heavily involve her too. She may be more open to offers of help than your brother, and if she's happy then so your brother will be too.

My mum's at home cared for by me , my sister and 2 carers, she's immobile and sleeps alot some days, but when she's awake and I'm with her, She tells me she wants to hold my hand and then tries to bend my fingers back or bite me. She constantly tells me she wishes I was dead. She scratches me and when I was cutting her nails a few days ago she punched me full in my eye with her free hand. She constantly uses the worst swear words you can think of, and says really sexual, crude things to me. Now, my mum, never swore, hated people swearing and grew up in a generation that never openly discussed sex. She was the sweetish, most caring person. I find it very hard some days to deal with it, I completely understand it's the disease, but this is my mum and she used to adore me... I know she would be horrified if she could see herself. So I sympathize with you, but your mum doesn't hate you, just like my mum doesn't hate me. She loves you, and you must try to remember that, nomatter how hard that is sometimes!

Jane x
 

Prague09

Registered User
Jul 22, 2008
174
essex
my dad did a similar thing

Dad had a very bad day on thursday...I said to him to press his alarm if he had another bad night...he momentarily came out of his confused state and looked striaght into my eyes and said I dont want you to be sad but I have to die some time so I will not press my button.Prague09