Very old parents

dottyd

Registered User
Jan 22, 2011
1,064
n.e.
Reading through the posts I see that some parents are almost approaching 100. Unless mums were getting on a bit when they had children , some of the carers could be 70 or slightly more.

It's so worrying isn't it , when we may have our own health problems to be carers at this stage in our lives with often very problematic parents.

For anyone approaching their 70s or is already in them and caring, my heart goes out to you and depending how long mum goes on for ( she's only 84) I too with my very dodgy health could be in exactly the same position

In fact I think she's healthier than I am.

I just know one thing. I do miss the mum I used to have. As we all do.
 
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LadyA

Registered User
Oct 19, 2009
13,563
Ireland
Thankfully, my own mum at 75 is very independent. But my husband, at 81, is heading from sort of mid-moderate stage to early-late moderate stage dementia - if you know what I mean! However, I'm "lucky" in that I'm 30 years younger than he is. I've said it so often to people, including the Doctors - I just don't know how I would even begin to cope - in fact, I don't think I could cope at all, even physically, with the demands of caring for him, if I was around the same age as he is. Quite apart from the mental strain and stress, the sheer physical strain of dressing him (and so far, he can still nearly do it himself, just needs a good bit of help) and gettng him in and out of the bath, dealing with the extra washing, trying to explain things to him, his mental confusion and my stress levels not helped at all by his deafness! If I wasn't so much younger, he would definitely have had to be in a nursing home by now, and tbh, I don't think he would survive six months if that happened, he has such a horror of nursing homes.

So yes - my hat too is off to all you carers who are not exactly in the first flush of youth yourselves. Blessings & strength to you!
 

penga

Registered User
Jun 4, 2012
26
HI

this is the one of the problems for my SIL, MIl is 97+. SIL is 68 and OH 10 years younger than his sister. Yet again he has had to dash over there as there is another crisis on the horizon, MIl attacked !!! the shower rail/curtain in the wet room and has brought the whole lot down!! just to add to the mix SIL has a serious heart condition which is being excerbated by MIL and the situation.!! I used to feel sorry that my parents died relatively young (one cancer, one accident) but as least it was quick, not prolonged and affecting everyone and everything in its path for years and years in some cases.

Have a good day (if possible)
Regards
C
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
61,168
68
Dundee
I'm in the same boat as Lady A. I'm 21 years younger than my husband and can't imagine how I would cope if I'd been 82 instead if 61.
 

Butter

Registered User
Jan 19, 2012
6,738
NeverNeverLand
My friend, a nurse, who with her husband ran CHs, told me the most difficult thing for her sometimes was daughters (it usually was daughters where they were) struggling in on zimmerframes in their mid to late eighties. They were trying to visit mothers of about 100 or more.
My friend said the mothers were ok. It was the daughters who were not ok.
 

dottyd

Registered User
Jan 22, 2011
1,064
n.e.
My friend, a nurse, who with her husband ran CHs, told me the most difficult thing for her sometimes was daughters (it usually was daughters where they were) struggling in on zimmerframes in their mid to late eighties. They were trying to visit mothers of about 100 or more.
My friend said the mothers were ok. It was the daughters who were not ok.
Omg!!!!!

What a nightmare.
 

Isabella41

Registered User
Feb 20, 2012
904
Northern Ireland
If I may i'd like to add the other perspective. I'm 42 and mum is 84. When she was in her more difficult phase I was constantly reminded how mrs so and so's daughter is always visting her. I would point out that the lady in question was retired and had more time. I think whatever age the child is there is a great burden attached to caring for a realtive with dementia. A younger child may well have a young family and a full time job and so although physically fit to care can't due to other pressures. An older person who doesn't work and has grown up children of their own will be limited by their own physical capabilities. My John is 13 yrs older than me so I am well aware I too may become his carer in future years but that was the vows I took when we married.

Isabella
 

jimbo 111

Registered User
Jan 23, 2009
5,080
North Bucks
Have no fear
Being old and being the carer of someone old is a nightmare that eventually leads to a peace and contentment that perhaps only the old can understand
I was in my late seventies when I had to start care for my wife of approximately the same age .
I had been a ‘cosseted ‘ husband and could not dream of the tasks I would have to take on , my wife was a very private person and the depths of despair cleaning up after bowel and sickness accidents were unimaginable
Not being in good health myself , did not help matters, sleepless nights
and days filled with tasks ,ordinary domestic things that I had never done before
All these things took their toll
But the blessing of them all was that for all the black thoughts of old age and illness , all these horrible tiring tasks made me realize that a long marriage brings with it the blessings of togetherness
I regret that our lives together had to end in such a horrible way
But strange as it may sound this devastating illness brought me an understanding of love I would have otherwise never have known .
Contrary to a lot of modern attitudes I don’t believe we are in this world
only to pursue our own best interests
Whether it be your , partner or your elderly parents I guarantee that no matter what hell you go through, the inner peace you feel when you have done your best is the reward that justifies you continuing
I was not much mindful at the time of our wedding vows, in fact I cannot recall ever thinking about them
What was uppermost in my mind was the need to continue our lives as ’normal’ as possible Many younger people commendably talk of their need to repay their parent for the love and care they had when younger , and in many cases the love they continued to receive in their later years , even if this stretches into your ‘older years ‘ the reward of inner peace will be satisfaction enough

My only regret is I did not have the insight before it was too late
jimbo 111
 

iamjanx

Registered User
Aug 20, 2012
68
hi dottyd

you have hit the nail on the head

my mum is 96, i am 61 and my hubby, 64, is disabelled

she has dementia, how do we get by??

i though i would enjoy my retirement??ha ha

little did i know what was coming

nice to see you here