1. sue18

    sue18 Registered User

    Apr 17, 2006
    2
    Hi everyone - this is my first time coming to terms with my father and his abuse. My father will be 81 this July. He has always been a very mean-spirited man and my mom has been verbally abused throughout their marriage. I am now 37 with my own family and am watching the abuse get worse and worse. My father is becoming more and more forgetful of conversations;yet he is still good with faces, names and places. He believes that it is "normal" to be cranky and depressed because of his age. He refuses to speak to a doctor of any issues he may have. I am at my wits end not knowing how to help the situation. He is very controlling of my mother (will not allow her to drive - she is only 69), when she fell and had terrible injuries, cracked ribs and collar bone, he failed to help her in anyway - left her to rest in her bed with blood on her face for 48 hours after she had been to a hospital.

    My other concern is very great - he is becoming very paranoid and delusional. He wakes in the night and can't return to sleep. The next morning he insists that someone (either my husband, an old golf buddy, even my mother in law) are out to hurt him. He believes this so much that he will avoid these people for fear they will hurt him. He even thinks his country club, which he has been a member for 16 years is trying to kick him out. Of course, they can't do so - but he thinks the cart boys are going to beat him up when he goes to the driving range.

    I don't know how to help someone who does not think they have a problem. I am making myself sick about it - while I try to be empathetic to his "disease", I still find it hard to keep my mouth shut and not argue with him that his stories are just delusions. I am afraid for his own safety and ofcourse my moms. My mom is to afraid to leave him and also feels guilty for even thinking about leaving him at his age and his condition.

    Any suggestions? Plus anyone else have stories of being paranoid or delusions? I feel like I am the only one with this issue and none of my friends have parents old enough to relate. Please help - for me and my mom!
    Thanks,
    Sue
     
  2. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    639
    West Sussex
    Hello Sue,

    You are in a tricky position here. No wonder you are worried.

    The only advice I can offer is to write to or visit your Dad's GP, letting him or her know your fears for your parents health. Maybe then your Dad can be called to see the GP for a check up, using his age as an excuse.

    The nearest Mum came to delusions was when she went through a stage of accusing my poor sister of stealing everything she herself had lost. This was completely out of character for her and the reason we contacted the GP. No amount of reasoning with her helped, so we knew we needed expert help.

    This is how we got Mum to see her doctor initially. It will hopefully lead to a diagnosis for your Dad and maybe medication to help all of you cope much better.

    Kathleen
     
  3. PatH

    PatH Registered User

    Feb 14, 2005
    301
    N.Ireland
    Sue,
    My husband was a kind gentle man and AD turned him into a violent abusive one. He suffered many hallucinations which were very frightening both for him and myself.
    Please get in touch with your doctor quickly as I feel my husbands lack of response to drugs was because he wasnt diagnosed for over 2 years.
    I tried to calm him with gentle music, hand, back and leg massage, foot bath and massage, and walking.

    I understand totally how your mum is feeling , if you feel you want to send a PM please do. I will help if I can.
    See my last reply to a bit wet. You maybe will understand.
    Pat
     
  4. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    3,433
    Suffolk,England
    Hi Sue, I'm so sorry you have such a distressing & difficult situation with your Dad. Denial of dementia by the patient (and often other family members!) is quite a common thing, but terribly difficult for you.

    As you say, you have your own family to think about too (and hopefully to support you a little emotionally, if they can understand your worries) so STOP with the making yourself sick about it. Easy to say, but essential to do if you are going to be any use to any of them, and yourself. There's a guilt monster which comes along with dementia to sit on all our shoulders. We feel we SHOULD be able to overcome what's happening before our eyes, because we love them. You're not Wonderwoman, you're a loving & caring daughter; that doesn't mean you'll have all the answers, or powers beyond this awful disease. And nearly all diseases are best treated at the earliest possible stage.

    I would echo Kathleen's suggestion. Write to your Dad's doctor, telling him/her everything you've told us here - including the way your Dad abuses your Mum, and the fact that it's not a new phenomenon but is getting worse. This may seem disloyal, but they are factors the doctor needs to know about your Dad, and also to get some relief or measure of protection for your Mum. The 'Patient Confidentiality' which people bang on about means that doctors will not divulge information about their patients without their consent, but does not mean - I believe - that concerned family members cannot advise the doctor of matters causing them serious concern. If your father won't attend the doctor, how else can they know there is a problem? Surely better to write an embarrasing letter than to see your Mother or Father seriously injured or ill. At least you'll have tried.

    Best wishes
     
  5. sue18

    sue18 Registered User

    Apr 17, 2006
    2
    Dr. didn't call back

    Hi everyone,

    Thanks for the messages and advice. I tried calling my dads GP and could not get past his receptionist. She said the only way I could see the Dr. would be to go the appointment with dad and they would call him back and then I could speak with the Dr. before he saw her. My dad first will never let me come with him ( he is a very controlling person and if he felt I was trying to interfere, for good or bad, he would scare me off by being abusive). Secondly, if I just show up he will be questioning why I am there. The receptionist did give the Dr. my number (after much reluctance), but I have not heard from her. I am very confused and very hurt that I can't do more. I am afraid that if I write a letter it too will get screened by a secretary and not be dealt with. Any how, dad woke this morning with another crazy story about an old golf buddy ( who he has not seen in over 8 months) trying to spread rumors and hurt my mother in law. Absurd, they don't even know each other - but he is insisting and wants my mom (Of course, he won't do it!) to call his old friend and tell him to stop. Meanwhile mom is in bed with a broken collarbone, three broken ribs and 17 stitches over her eye. She fell last Tuesday night in her driveway and my dad did not find her for over one hour. Scary stuff is happening and I feel helpless.

    Thanks again for the advice.
    Sue
     
  6. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    4,348
    Birmingham Hades
    Hi Sue
    Welcome to TP.
    Sorry to hear of your problems,the GP should be the first call but it looks like you have a problem.
    I can only suggest that you telephone Social Services and speak to the duty Social worker.
    Tell them you problem and that you feel that you cannot cope much longer.Do it now Sue.
    Come back and tell us how you got on
    Norman
     
  7. Whocares

    Whocares Registered User

    Mar 18, 2006
    27
    Best thing to do would be to call your Dads Doctor and if the receptionist refuses to let you speak then ask for a home visit. Tell her to have the doctor ring you so that you can brief him on the problems you are facing.

    Your Dad might be more willing to speak to the doctor in his own home.

    My mums doctor is fabulous, even though she is in a care home he still goes to see her and always takes time to speak to her even though she may not understand, bless him
     
  8. Áine

    Áine Registered User

    Or book yourself an appointment with the GP in your dad's name. That would also get you past reception .... if of course you live near enough to be able to go to the surgery.
     
  9. panda

    panda Registered User

    Apr 16, 2006
    88
    Surrey
    How to get help

    I am sorry to hear about what must be very frustrating for you, trying to get the help you and your mum need. I have been in a similar situation for about six months now.Mum started complaining about the neighbors singing loudly at night, this quickly progressed to the neighbors are singing songs about her then the neighbors wanted to kill her. by this point I was pulling my hair out I was getting very little sleep I was getting all kinds of calls through the night she would tell me she had called the police {a few times she had}I have a very demanding job and she would call me at work to say the neighbors two year old son was telling his parents to stop picking on her. By now she could repeat whole conversations that had not taken place. I took her to her Doctor three times where she would come accross as quite sane and tell the Doctor "I only said they were being a bit noisy"By this point I was begining to doubt my own sanity. The crunch came when one morning I was driving to work she said the police had arrested the man next door and now he was so angry he was on his way in to murder her. I drove straight to her doctors and refused to leave or let any one else see a Doctor until I had been heard. She was admitted into Hospital that day. She spent two weeks there where she did calm down. But was still telling me about people in the hospital that wanted to kill her. She told the Doctors I was evil and wanted her locked away so I could go off and enjoy myself . Half an hour after they sent her home her other neighbor rang me to say she had been locked out. Two days after that I had to take her back again because she was phoning me at five in the morning to ask why I was asleep. Now they have arranged for a brain scan a CPN is going in to visit her and social services have been contacted. I know this is only the beginning and things are going to get tougher but at least it is a start. The only way to get help is to be persistant it is tough going and I wish you luck let us know how it goes.
     
  10. DickG

    DickG Registered User

    Feb 26, 2006
    558
    Stow-on-the-Wold
    Hi Sue

    Write a letter to the doctor and mark the envelope "Private and Confidential" which should only be opened by the doctor, you could explain that you had to resort to this method of communcation because you could not get past the receptionist.

    Hugs

    Dick
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.