Amy said:
Hiya Chris,
I cannot begin to imagine how that must have felt - you obviously feel that you were in some way second best. But does the wish to have experienced giving birth, automatically imply that your mother felt any less for you?
Take care.
Love Helen
I think it would be hard NOT to feel that one was second best unless the words about wanting her own children were said incredibly tactfully and preferably to a mature person rather than to a child. Even if she had followed it up with something like 'Of course, I soon realised how wonderful it was to have
you as my daughter, Chris and how lucky I was' etc I think I would still be pretty unnerved by this. I say this because at one stage in my childhood, my mother told me I was a 'mistake' and that during her pregnancy with me she had tried on doctor's advice to 'get rid 'of me, but the pills hadn't worked. I don't think, at the time, that I realised what an impact these words had on me psychologically, but much later on, in adulthood, when I told a counsellor, she said " What a very dreadful thing to be told. I wonder why your mother wanted to do this' and it dawned on me that 'Yes' that was a strange thing to say to an eight year old child. It also explained why I was forever seeking approval, in various ways (perhaps I still am).
However in my case I can honestly say that I love my mother now more than I ever have done, and through her illness she has occasionally said things that have been extremely comforting to me, so I think I am extremely lucky in many ways. I do think back to what she said when I was achild, quite often , but I think I have forgiven her for for saying it. She already had three children and had been told that four was too much. Ok she didn't have to let me know; I don't suppose I was a model child and she might have just let it slip on one of those days when I tried her patience too far. I don't think they had 'naughty steps' in those days!
I hope this doesn't sound too flippant; I am not suggesting you provoked your mother's words and attitude, nor am I defending your mother. I never had the courage to become a mother myself although a kind of 'motherhood has been thrust upon me now. I just think that parents have a very difficult job and if they say things that are outrageous, it somehow doesn't really surprise me.
You , Chris, who have been dealt such an unfair hand, should simply do what you reasonably can for your 'mother', feeling neither guilt nor undue stress but looking after your own health and loved ones and drawing as much support as you need along the way. You did not choose your mother, she chose you. You have no siblings to share the burden and responsibility with. ( Don't use that as an excuse to feel more guilt: your parents could have adopted more children, no?) If you had, you perhaps might not feel quite so much angst about her because they could have been expected to play a part in caring for her.
You achieved fantastic things getting your nursing qualfications at 40 and 50. That is such an inspiring thing to hear. You are, to your core, a very caring person to go to those lengths. Now care a little for yourself too. Do whatever it takes to get back your self esteem regarding your mother.
Remember to treat yourself and to congratulate yourself for even bothering to think about this woman who has seemingly been so cold to you all your life. Maybe you need to talk more in person to someone who can see all the tensions and consequences of your mother's actions. It is possible that there were reasons why your mother felt she could not be more loving, stemming from her own past. That doesn't excuse what she said and how she acted, but it might make it more understandable.
Is it possible, at the end of day, if you understood her better, might you find compassion for her? A cold unloving person who has belittled you, does even she deserve the affliction of Alzheimer's?
You, more than most have utterly no reason to feel guilty even if you threw up your hands and said you could not face ever seeing her again.. It would be understandable. I'm fairly sure you won't do that, but I don't think you could be blamed if you wanted to. Kind regards, Deborah