Can anyone tell me if it's a common thing for people with dementia to become verbally aggressive to their nearest and dearest. My Mum has been in a care home since October 2020. I try to visit her as often as I can which is usually every ten days. She has recently started to be nasty as soon as I get there. She's saying things like I don't given a damn about her and I'm bloody useless. I have done so much for Mum since she reached her eighties (she's now 93). I helped her with all the things she couldn't do, and when she eventually was admitted to the care home I cleared her house and put it on the market, which was a nightmare because the sale didn't go through smoothly and there were many obstacles to overcome but we got there eventually. I don't know where this idea that I don't care about her has come from. Can anyone relate to this?
Verbal aggression
- Thread starter SJA0554
- Start date
I suspect the majority on this forum @SJA0554. Welcome to Dementia Talking Point.
Try not to let it get to you. It`s easier said than done I know but so many people with dementia lose their social skills and take their frustrations out on those who do most for them.
It`s irrational I know, and hurtful too, but then much of dementia causes people to be irrational.
The care home staff have said she shouts at them sometimes. I do understand that dementia makes people say odd things. She is probably very frustrated too because she can't do anything for herself now and may be lashing out at us because of it. I will talk to her GP and see if there's anything that can help her to be happier. Thank you for advice.
Yup, its the dementia talking.
Your mum is frustrated and taking it out on her nearest and dearest. She wont be able to remember everything that you have done for her over the years and feels that everything is your fault, because she cannot understand the reality of her situation. Dont try and reason with her and explain what you have done and why she is there, because she wont be able to follow this sort of conversation anymore.
Is it only recently that her care home has started allowing visitors?
Your mum is frustrated and taking it out on her nearest and dearest. She wont be able to remember everything that you have done for her over the years and feels that everything is your fault, because she cannot understand the reality of her situation. Dont try and reason with her and explain what you have done and why she is there, because she wont be able to follow this sort of conversation anymore.
Is it only recently that her care home has started allowing visitors?
Hi, I’m thinking about my own mother’s verbal aggression. This is not a new thing, she was always bad tempered throughout my childhood and now of course people say oh it’s the dementia. Im wondering if people who have always been angry will be more affected by angry outbursts when dementia is diagnosed. Thsnks
hello @Beth-Ana
a warm welcome to DTP
it often is the case that a person's personality traits are magnified when dementia takes hold, as the parts of the brain which work to socialise us are affected and people lose inhibitions ... though some members have mentioned that their loved one actually became quieter and more affectionate ... dementia affects each individual in different ways
it is tough, though, to be at the receiving end ... maybe chat with your mother's GP as some meds may help ... and walk away when she becomes abusive, it's not good for either of you to be worked up ... I know some members have even said firmly but calmly not to speak to them that way or they will leave
a warm welcome to DTP
it often is the case that a person's personality traits are magnified when dementia takes hold, as the parts of the brain which work to socialise us are affected and people lose inhibitions ... though some members have mentioned that their loved one actually became quieter and more affectionate ... dementia affects each individual in different ways
it is tough, though, to be at the receiving end ... maybe chat with your mother's GP as some meds may help ... and walk away when she becomes abusive, it's not good for either of you to be worked up ... I know some members have even said firmly but calmly not to speak to them that way or they will leave
It is the dementia.
My mom had a few very uncharacteristic outbursts, particularly when stressed, before (like 1 year) we realised she was having problems. When things got much worse with the dementia she really started lashing out with verbal aggression towards my dad, so much it made others uncomfortable. It is a manifestation of her frustration (she was declining physically quickly) and fear as she was always confused. My dad didn’t try to argue or respond but it did begin to hurt him. So much that when she went into emergency respite care he didn’t visit or speak to her for more than one week.
She does ask me why I leave her all alone and never visit, and then in the next breath asks me how my husband feels about me being away all the time (she’s in the US and I live in Europe). Funny!
I found the best technique was to distract and redirect (change the subject) when this starts, and bring up other memories she can speak about. She knows what I’m doing a lot of the time but it gives her a chance to regroup mentally.
Try not to take this personally as it is brain problems. But easier said than done ?
My mom had a few very uncharacteristic outbursts, particularly when stressed, before (like 1 year) we realised she was having problems. When things got much worse with the dementia she really started lashing out with verbal aggression towards my dad, so much it made others uncomfortable. It is a manifestation of her frustration (she was declining physically quickly) and fear as she was always confused. My dad didn’t try to argue or respond but it did begin to hurt him. So much that when she went into emergency respite care he didn’t visit or speak to her for more than one week.
She does ask me why I leave her all alone and never visit, and then in the next breath asks me how my husband feels about me being away all the time (she’s in the US and I live in Europe). Funny!
I found the best technique was to distract and redirect (change the subject) when this starts, and bring up other memories she can speak about. She knows what I’m doing a lot of the time but it gives her a chance to regroup mentally.
Try not to take this personally as it is brain problems. But easier said than done ?
No, it's not nice to be on the receiving end of such abuse. I have been accused of having numerous affairs, stealing his money, being greedy/crafty. It's painful and my God it hurts. The venom that spurts out of his mouth is so bad. I did try to leave once but he wouldn't let me out of the room. I really didn't think I could over come what was said but the day after he has no comprehension of the vile that spurts out. It's me that has to be the "big" one and it's destroying me. My man is now 82 yrs and I would say his Alzhiemers is maybe in the early to mid stage. I also agree with someone that said, their normal characteristics enhance. It would appear so. It is too late to leave him. I have to do my duty to the end and I do still love him. He is not being monitored by anyone. I get the brush off from the doctor that there's nothing they can do. I really am on my own.
This is my first foray in this forum and I hope that I do not become a "pain" but at last I have perhaps someone to relate to. I am managing to cope with the memory loss much of the time. It's his control over me and it always comes down to money and how it's all his. I have been with him for over 40 years; how can that be fair? Oh God, so sorry. It's hard.
Dare I add that his sex drive has increased. He/we were always highly sexed but I am now dead that way but he takes Viagra and it's very important to him. His hobby is sex; has no other interest. Dear me, I'm closing now, with my apologies.
This is my first foray in this forum and I hope that I do not become a "pain" but at last I have perhaps someone to relate to. I am managing to cope with the memory loss much of the time. It's his control over me and it always comes down to money and how it's all his. I have been with him for over 40 years; how can that be fair? Oh God, so sorry. It's hard.
Dare I add that his sex drive has increased. He/we were always highly sexed but I am now dead that way but he takes Viagra and it's very important to him. His hobby is sex; has no other interest. Dear me, I'm closing now, with my apologies.
hello @Jacaranda16
a warm welcome to DTP
what a time of it you are having .... at least now you can come here anytime and say whatever is on your mind ... do not aoplogise, what you have to say is important, certainly not a 'pain'
I'm sorry your GP isn't listening to you.... is there another or a practice nurse at the surgery who you could speak with as these concerns are very real
I wonder whether something here may help you
a warm welcome to DTP
what a time of it you are having .... at least now you can come here anytime and say whatever is on your mind ... do not aoplogise, what you have to say is important, certainly not a 'pain'
I'm sorry your GP isn't listening to you.... is there another or a practice nurse at the surgery who you could speak with as these concerns are very real
I wonder whether something here may help you
is it worth asking the gp for a referral to older peoples mental health. my husband was aggressive and has vascular dementia so options are limited but there tablets out there that might calm down the aggression. i think social services can make a referral as well so maybe that path if gp is a bit difficult. does he take viagra as and when? could it be stopped?
just wondering @Jacaranda16
could the tablets be quietly swapped for some placebo ... don't know whether this would make the situation worse, or is simply not possible
could the tablets be quietly swapped for some placebo ... don't know whether this would make the situation worse, or is simply not possible
Hi @Jacaranda16 , is your husband buying the viagra or getting it on prescription?
If its on prescription I would be making an appointment to see a female GP if at all possible and explain to her what is happening and ask if it could possibly be stopped. I asked a GP to stop prescribing following a request from an older patient when I worked in General Practice and the doctor was able find reasons to stop it without mentioning the wife. Even welcome post menopausal sex can be uncomfortable or painful without sensitivity and lubricants. You should not have to put up with this assault.
When it comes to finance you will eventually need to take over managing bank accounts. If you don't have POA you need to try and get it before it is too late or at least make sure you have accounts in both names otherwise you could have a lot of problems in the future.
If its on prescription I would be making an appointment to see a female GP if at all possible and explain to her what is happening and ask if it could possibly be stopped. I asked a GP to stop prescribing following a request from an older patient when I worked in General Practice and the doctor was able find reasons to stop it without mentioning the wife. Even welcome post menopausal sex can be uncomfortable or painful without sensitivity and lubricants. You should not have to put up with this assault.
When it comes to finance you will eventually need to take over managing bank accounts. If you don't have POA you need to try and get it before it is too late or at least make sure you have accounts in both names otherwise you could have a lot of problems in the future.
I dont think it is actually possible.
Someone suggested this to me when I was having problems with OH getting viagra.
At that stage he was still in many ways capable, so got it himself from the GP. The tablets are packaged in foil and plastic sheets which would show if they were tampered with and also because of the colour and shape there is nothing else that looks like them.
My mum has got a reputation for being “feisty” at her care home as she often refuses to accept help with personal care and objects to being asked to do something. She now hits out, has bitten a Carer and swears really loudly!
Tonight, the senior Carer on her floor phoned to give me an update ( home in lockdown so no visitors but they give a daily update for those families of residents who have Covid) and while chatting, I said how gentle, mild mannered and kind my mum had been before dementia, she did not argue or swear and told us off if we did! The Carer was quite surprised as she is newish and only knows mum as this tyrant hurling abuse at everyone. It’s sad really that they don’t know mums true character, they know all about her life and interests as we’ve written it in her life story book but it did not occur to us to tell them about her personality - I’ll add something as soon as I am allowed to visit again.
Tonight, the senior Carer on her floor phoned to give me an update ( home in lockdown so no visitors but they give a daily update for those families of residents who have Covid) and while chatting, I said how gentle, mild mannered and kind my mum had been before dementia, she did not argue or swear and told us off if we did! The Carer was quite surprised as she is newish and only knows mum as this tyrant hurling abuse at everyone. It’s sad really that they don’t know mums true character, they know all about her life and interests as we’ve written it in her life story book but it did not occur to us to tell them about her personality - I’ll add something as soon as I am allowed to visit again.
Yes, SJA0554, I can relate to this. And I’m sorry you are experiencing it too. It’s very difficult to deal with.
I receive verbal aggression from my Mum. Some others who have overheard it call it “abuse.”
Mum is still articulate so it feels believable and I come away at times thinking about what she said, even doubting my character and motives.
Before I realised it was the dementia, I would react to it - even saying unkind things back when I had reached my limit as I didn’t understand. Of course, I feel really bad about that now.
When another residents daughter heard Mum having a go at me one day whilst I was in the care home visiting, she called out to me as she passed saying: “It’s the dementia!” It helped to hear that.
I agree with other posters that she won’t recall how much you have done for her. Mum says similar stuff to me.
It’s hard to let the words go over your head because it’s so hurtful and you try to figure out if she actually means it but I agree with the other comments on here - the disease is the cause.
My wife has dementia she often doesn't know who I am and believes that there are two of me. Usually after a while she will suddenly say "where have you been" and all is ok. Every once in a while she does get verbally aggressive. Can be very difficult to deal with at the time, I do try not to take it to heart because there seems no reason for her actions. Yes always the same, "well she does have dementia" not helpful, but seems to be about all that can be offered!
I can also relate to this as my Mum has become physically and verbally aggressive towards my Dad and wrecked numerous things in the house. The problem is aggression is seen as part of the illness and sadly carers are often expected to accept and put up with behaviour that wouldn’t normally be tolerated.
you could ask for a referral to mental health via the gp. i had to do that and they put him on memantine which made his aggression decrease to almost nothing now.
