1. Deeessex

    Deeessex Registered User

    Jul 16, 2007
    36
    Essex
    Hi All

    Hubbie having a particularly bad day today with angry words directed to me all day about one thing or another - even sitting in the wrong chair at dinner time. Its been really miserable. I adopt my usual non confrontational approach and do not argue with him however he reduced me to tears earlier - something I don't often do. I cannot get over how for the last 2 days he has been a gem as I was feeling unwell with a virus and took to bed. He was attentive asking me if I needed anything and so on however today has been vile from begining to end. Whats worse is I know tomorrow will be just as bad as he has "taken against" my parents and they are visiting for dinner. I have tried to be balanced knowing that he finds this hard and yet I am finding it really hard to be understanding when he is vile to me and to my parents every time he meets them.
    Does anyone else have this conflict with other people coming to the home? How can you handle it? Part of me understands an excuses him because of the illness and the other part of me yearns for normality.
    Dee x:(
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,850
    Kent
    Hello Dee,

    My husband doesn`t like people coming to the house either. I don`t have anyone for a meal, it is just not worth the hassle. The last person who came for lunch was my DIL`s mother who Dhiren really likes. Even then he suggested he have his lunch by himself in the living room while we ate in the kitchen.

    If your husband is particularly bad just now, is it possible he has picked up your virus infection or maybe just fighting it off.
    Just a thought. :)

    I hope tomorrow turns out better than expected.

    Love xx
     
  3. bel

    bel Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006
    757
    coventry
    verble aggresion

    my heart goes out to you
    bob has been really bad with it for a while
    i know he cant help it but it is awful to deal with bob is on anti phscotic tabs and they do help
    love bel x
     
  4. Deeessex

    Deeessex Registered User

    Jul 16, 2007
    36
    Essex
    Hi Thanks for your replies.The weekend did turn out to be as awful as expected so much so that I have now made the awful decision to not invite family / friends here anymore.It is not fair to them, even though they are understanding, to me or to hubby who just can't cope without being extremely rude and angry. I feel immense guilt as my parents are getting on and Dad is not well at the moment so time with them is just as precious. I will have to juggle more and visit them. When I spoke to Mum she was understanding of course but I feel so torn. This weekend was the worse for a long time probably as I was not well so found it difficult to cope. The local Alz society support worker is visit this afternoon - I bet hubby is ok with her as he is still wanting to deny a problem. Ho hum another day another challenge. x
    Thanks for listening to this rant I find it is very therapuetic to talk
     
  5. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,850
    Kent
    Hello Dee,

    It is sad you can`t ask your elderly parents round because of your husband`s behaviour. Our grandchildren stay away for a similar reason. My husband isn`t rude to them but doesn`t know what to say to them so visits are stilted.

    Dementia is far reaching isn`t it?

    So you will visit your parents and I will visit my grandchildren and we will have to be satisfied with that.

    Sorry you are not so well. Things don`t come in halves, do they.

    Love xx
     
  6. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #6 Margarita, Apr 30, 2008
    Last edited: Apr 30, 2008

    I don’t blame you for crying, know how you feel as I have lived in that situation with my mother when she to direct her frustration at me not being able to communicate whatever she feeling , without getting verbal . Say the wrong word & she of on one.

    You end up living on tender hock s & isolating yourself, tension builds up in you & the only way to let it out is cry , because you can’t get anger with them like you say , you have to do it in a non confrontational way , but like with you the pursuer tension does get to you so I would cry also, frustrating for them yes , but also frustrating for us

    It’s different for me I know she my mother not my husband , the only way I stop it being directed at me, was to walk out of the room saying I am not putting up with it you talking to me like that , when you’re in a better mood I’ll sit in the same room with you . then after a while she look for me , Then I ask her what wrong talk to me , but don’t get angry rude to me . It would take her ages to get to the root of what it was all about.
    My mother wanted my attention all the me, because I suppose she thought I was the only one who understand where she coming from in what happening to her , but I won’t put up with her getting verbally aggressive to me and it did take a long time for that to sink in , now after 6 years of caring she knows .
    So she direct it to the people she knows she can get away with it ,Because in her perception she feels they don’t really care or understand, when really they do . the carers that come in to help me wash dress her she gets rude to them . she trust the days centres staff . she go to . I have a friend also who has stayed around come to our home , even thought my mother been so rude to her she don’t care does not take it personally, but I also prefer that we meet for a coffee out side or she come around when mum at day centre .

    AS mum use to get very frustrated with herself that she could not follow the thread of the conversation my friend was trying to have with her , that mum would just get rude to her to stop the conversation she was trying to have with my mother . as time went on mum was OK with her being around , because my friend learn to not engage mum in to a conversation that my mother cannot understand .

    Even if carers are asking mum how you are feeling when they first induce them self , mum just says. What do you think! Which may sound rude but my mother can’t express how she feeling even if she wanted to, so it all come out very rude because she so confused just feels ashamed stupid in what happening to her. when she gets use to the person after a long time she now smile at them saying my leg hurt :)
     
  7. andrear

    andrear Registered User

    Feb 13, 2008
    402
    Yorkshire
    HI Dee

    I've only just got back from visiting my mum and dad. Today, dad decided that he wanted bacon, eggs and tomatoes for lunch. And 2 slices of bread. He hardly eats at all these days.

    Well, all went well at first, however, I always ask 'do you want butter on your bread or not' no came the reply today. So, we sat down for lunch, and whoa and behold 'YOU HAVENT BUTTERED MY BREAD' dad started ranting and raving at me. Well, it continued and he picked up his plate and decided that it would be better in the garden because thats just where it landed. I was so cross and really had to hold back the tears mainly for mums sake. So, we left him to it and mum and I sat down again to our lunch together in glumy silence. Finally, dad calmed down and decided that my plate of food was not for me, oh no I'd made it for him and he ate it with great gusto!!!

    So, off I went into the garden to retreive the food, another broken plate and started on with the washing up. Oh, well, I was OK because I can certainly do with losing the weight and dad can certainly do with eating more. I know its hard to accept but for me its just another day. And no, I can't believe I've just said that myself!!
    Love Andrea
     
  8. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    Its best to have that attitude otherwise I found it too sad frustrating

    My mother like that also, she hardly eat , but when it come to bacon eggs & tomatoes alway say yes she eat that .

    I learn not to ask her how she like it cook or does she want butter on bread or not or does she want mushroom in it or not I don’t give her any choices anymore, because she tell me something then it means some else to her .

    I just say I am going to cook bacon eggs do you want some.
     
  9. Deeessex

    Deeessex Registered User

    Jul 16, 2007
    36
    Essex
    Hi all
    So I am not so alone in dealing with the behaviour and personality changes.It s strange to take comfort in something so awful. I do believe at times it is hubbies way of coping with frustration but sometimes there is no rhyme or reason. The visit from the Support worker from Alz society was good. Hubbie talked and talked and at least I managed to raise how it felt to be on the end of the shouting and angry outbursts.
    Maybe some insight but probably no changes. Interestingly the anger bit did improve when he started the aricept and only now is it starting to be as bad as before.
    For all of you in the same position as me a big hug x Dee
     
  10. Grommit

    Grommit Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006
    2,127
    Doncaster
    May I be allowed to put forward another viewpoint on the understanding that I am not levelling criticism at anyone who has previously posted on the thread?

    The last thing I want to do is upset anyone or even make them feel guilty' It's just that i think these points are important.

    I do not dissuade people from coming to the house for a few reasons:-

    1) I need to interact with other people face to face oherwise I am faced with having to talk to myself as Jean no longer has language or understanding of language,

    2)I believe that Jean needs to hold onto some tiny semblance of her former self even if it is only greeting people and responding when they say goodbye.

    3)As she is very much housebound, I believe that she needs contact with other folk from a microbiological view point to keep her immune system active. I think that the transference of bacteria from one person to another, which happens constantly between healthy people, can do no harm to her and can only help.
     
  11. Deeessex

    Deeessex Registered User

    Jul 16, 2007
    36
    Essex
    Dear Gromitt
    No offence taken at all. If my husband were at all receptive to having people come I too would welcome this however he gets angry, stressed, rude and agressive - all out of his "normal" character on these occassions. Believe me I have tried to continue as normal for as long as possible but the point has come when its not worth it for him, me or others. I hope this in time will pass and the situation will change. I am fortunate enough to still be working, hubbie 58 me 49, so at least I have an outlet but he does not want that contact. Wait to see what tomorrow brings
    Dee x
     
  12. Kate P

    Kate P Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    565
    Merseyside
    How I feel for you all - my mum is the same - sometimes she is okay with people being in the house or being at someone else's house but sometimes she is terrible - she is aggressive and bordering on violent (mainly because she can't speak to express her frustration I feel).

    I can understand your reluctance to have your elderly parents round because it could be too stressful for them but I would try and keep some people coming round if only for your own sanity. I would be very concerned if you were to isolate yourself so early on.

    Have you tried taking hubby to friends/familys house to see what would happen? We find mum is generally better behaved in other people's homes - on some level she seems to remember that there are certain social conventions and she will try to reign herself in. Dad manages at least two afternoon trips to my house a week where she tends to behave quite well - she sits and seeths in the corner somedays but she is at least still and quiet and dad gets some company.
     
  13. andrear

    andrear Registered User

    Feb 13, 2008
    402
    Yorkshire

    I haven't thought about doing that although I know it sounds so simple, but I'm just so releaved when dad is actually ready for anything to eat and he's always being one for changing his mind as to having butter or not with his bread.

    Thanks Andrea
     
  14. andrear

    andrear Registered User

    Feb 13, 2008
    402
    Yorkshire
    HI Grommit


    I would like nothing better than for my dad to let someone other than myself into the house but he won't, although I have to stress, that when my brother does decide to visit on the very odd occassion he does finally get in.

    His home is no longer a home but a prison, he has locks on every door, locks on windows, and so on, if even I were to go one day and he was in the mood not to let anyone in I couldn't get through the door even though I have a key. You see my dad thinks he is protecting mum (she has cancer). He is just constantly checking and rechecking that things are locked away and I'm just praying that this will eventually leave him and so we can then get the help that he so desperately needs.
    Andrea
     

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