Verbal abuse

[Status Quo]

My husband is constantly accusing me of stealing money from him. His language to me is vile. He’s going to call the police and get me locked up. He’s going to sell the bungalow etc etc

I used to draw £50 out each week and give it to him. He now has about £600 in his wallet so I stopped drawing money out for him a few months ago. I’ve shown him the bank statements showing his pension going in and I’ve now given him his debit card and told him he can use that instead of cash.

He had his driving licence taken away 18 months ago but he wants to buy another van. He thinks he’s still a roof tiler and has lots of jobs to do. He’s already “tiled” the back doorstep and “tiled” part of the wall. We have a wooden arbour in the garden and he’s now trying to tile the roof on that. He’s bought about 4 tile cutters and he now wants to buy flashband, ridge tiles. and battens.

The vile language he uses to me is really upsetting. I just want a normal husband.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @Status Quo Welcome to Dementia Talking Point. I hope you will find it helpful and supportive.

My husband was verbally aggressive and I know how hurtful it is , especially when you are trying everything possible to make life as good as possible for him.

When my husband was uncontrollable, I used to tell him I didn`t deserve to be spoken to in that manner and went into another room leaving him to calm down. He didn`t follow me because he was in a sulk so I stayed away for an hour or so, then offered him a cup of tea as if nothing had happened and nine times out of ten he had forgotten the incident and accepted.

Does your husband have any idea of the value of money? When my husband wanted to buy another car, after he had stopped driving, I trailed round showrooms with him and he was so shocked by the cost of new cars he soon backed down.

This Thread might help you. It has helped many carers.

Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired

The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[Status Quo]

Hello @Status Quo Welcome to Dementia Talking Point. I hope you will find it helpful and supportive.

My husband was verbally aggressive and I know how hurtful it is , especially when you are trying everything possible to make life as good as possible for him.

When my husband was uncontrollable, I used to tell him I didn`t deserve to be spoken to in that manner and went into another room leaving him to calm down. He didn`t follow me because he was in a sulk so I stayed away for an hour or so, then offered him a cup of tea as if nothing had happened and nine times out of ten he had forgotten the incident and accepted.

Does your husband have any idea of the value of money? When my husband wanted to buy another car, after he had stopped driving, I trailed round showrooms with him and he was so shocked by the cost of new cars he soon backed down.

This Thread might help you.
Thank you - that link had lots of useful information on it. I went for a walk for 3/4 of an hour. I made him a coffee and put on a TV programme showing some sport. That grabbed his attention and he was calm when I returned. However, he was soon back to complaining about lack of cash again!

 

[Louise7]

Welcome from me too @Status Quo Becoming obsessed with money and accusations of stealing can be common behaviour but you shouldn't have to put up with vile language. Has your husband had a medication review recently? It may be that there is something that the GP or memory clinic could prescribe to help with this behaviour, or maybe adjust his existing medication, so it is worth contacting them to let them know what is happening.

 

[Grannie G]

My husband used to count his money so many times it became dirty and dogeared. When he slept I exchanged the dirty notes for cleaner ones.

I think it`s an important bit of security when so many peole with dementia feel their lives are upside down.