If it’s any comfort, my husband and I have just been through a very similar scenario with MIL. The wonderful people on here listened patiently and supported our battle, which eventually was won.
MIL had been living pretty independently at the beginning of the year with support from us and a friend she had whom she paid to assist her in an informal caring role. After a few falls, uncontrolled pain incidents and an attack of diverticulitis, MIL ended up in hospital. NHS refused to discharge her unless she had 24/7 home care. It didn’t work - too many further incidents, she ended back in hospital so we tried to persuade her to consider respite care. She wasn’t having it and because “someone” reported us to social services for “forcing” her into a care home, the authorities stepped in said she had full capacity and she went back home.
MIL was deeply unhappy at home, despite repeatedly saying that was her wish, and rang us constantly saying she had been “thrown out of hospital” “she wanted to die” accusing us of abandoning her and how lonely she was. Eventually, we got a SW who looked at the whole picture and understood our concerns about her state of mind and depression at being stuck “in four walls” (her words) and agreed that she needed more stimulation and had different care needs that couldn’t be met in her house.
It’s been a month since MIL went into the residential home. She’s happier, not lashing out verbally anymore, the staff encourage her mobility, she’s made friends with a couple of other residents and is already forgetting completely about going home. She mentioned her house once the other day and when I asked her where she lived, she gave me the address of a home she had 40 years ago. She talks endlessly about how lovely the staff are and how nothing is too much trouble. She’s cleaner and no longer disheveled (she used to struggle even to wash with help at home) and longer talks about dying and wanting to “be put down like a dog”
The moral of my long tale is; if you have the stamina, be persistent. It WILL pay off. We had the same old story about “capacity” and I still would love to contact the original SW and say, “Sometimes, the family IS right and knows their relative far better than a stranger who has come in and made a sweeping judgement after a relatively short assessment.” MIL couldn’t recall conversations 10 minutes previously or information given to her so how she expected to make decisions, I don’t know. I truly feel for you. It’s hard enough trying to fight with the authorities when your own brother is also unsupportive.
Ironically - and this wasn’t our motive, despite a report on us saying otherwise! - MIL is getting twice the quality of care, at half the cost she was paying to stay in her own home.