Vent - setting Up new thread - MIL, SS, Self funding, GP

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by daveyshadow, Aug 13, 2019.

  1. TNJJ

    TNJJ Registered User

    May 7, 2019
    327
    Dad was on full cylinders yesterday!Nasty!! Dad’s main love in life has been himself,followed by work,cars, and somewhere down the line mum and then me.He was never home.Dad is very good at manipulating people.So,although I feel sorry for him ,I refuse to allow him to try to manipulate me.(doesn’t always work)..Dad was in pity mode .”If the shoe was on the other foot “!My reply was “You would have shoved me in a home and gone to Cyprus”!Dad went abroad at Christmas and spent a lot of time there....He has been asked several times to have befrienders etc..Reply has been “No” every time.So i’m afraid he is going remain bored and have to “Suck it up!
     
  2. TNJJ

    TNJJ Registered User

    May 7, 2019
    327
    ..As carers we take on a lot of responsibility which technically is not ours.We often forget that we do not have Duty of Care that the GP and SS do.SS are absolutely **** at assessing capacity I have found..If your brother disagrees then I suggest you maybe put his number for emergencies as you have your hands full with your husband.You sound very stressed.You need to take a step back and let your brother deal with it..Easier said than done I know.But YOU need to be YOUR priority.Sorry I cannot give any more suggestions.
     
  3. Champers

    Champers Registered User

    Jan 3, 2019
    110
    If it’s any comfort, my husband and I have just been through a very similar scenario with MIL. The wonderful people on here listened patiently and supported our battle, which eventually was won.

    MIL had been living pretty independently at the beginning of the year with support from us and a friend she had whom she paid to assist her in an informal caring role. After a few falls, uncontrolled pain incidents and an attack of diverticulitis, MIL ended up in hospital. NHS refused to discharge her unless she had 24/7 home care. It didn’t work - too many further incidents, she ended back in hospital so we tried to persuade her to consider respite care. She wasn’t having it and because “someone” reported us to social services for “forcing” her into a care home, the authorities stepped in said she had full capacity and she went back home.

    MIL was deeply unhappy at home, despite repeatedly saying that was her wish, and rang us constantly saying she had been “thrown out of hospital” “she wanted to die” accusing us of abandoning her and how lonely she was. Eventually, we got a SW who looked at the whole picture and understood our concerns about her state of mind and depression at being stuck “in four walls” (her words) and agreed that she needed more stimulation and had different care needs that couldn’t be met in her house.

    It’s been a month since MIL went into the residential home. She’s happier, not lashing out verbally anymore, the staff encourage her mobility, she’s made friends with a couple of other residents and is already forgetting completely about going home. She mentioned her house once the other day and when I asked her where she lived, she gave me the address of a home she had 40 years ago. She talks endlessly about how lovely the staff are and how nothing is too much trouble. She’s cleaner and no longer disheveled (she used to struggle even to wash with help at home) and longer talks about dying and wanting to “be put down like a dog”

    The moral of my long tale is; if you have the stamina, be persistent. It WILL pay off. We had the same old story about “capacity” and I still would love to contact the original SW and say, “Sometimes, the family IS right and knows their relative far better than a stranger who has come in and made a sweeping judgement after a relatively short assessment.” MIL couldn’t recall conversations 10 minutes previously or information given to her so how she expected to make decisions, I don’t know. I truly feel for you. It’s hard enough trying to fight with the authorities when your own brother is also unsupportive.

    Ironically - and this wasn’t our motive, despite a report on us saying otherwise! - MIL is getting twice the quality of care, at half the cost she was paying to stay in her own home.
     
  4. Champers

    Champers Registered User

    Jan 3, 2019
    110
    Very, very well said. You need to look after you first and foremost and then your lovely husband.. It’s clearly in your nature to be kind and caring but the more you do, the more others will let you do. You have no more responsibility to your mother than your brother so he needs to step up to the mark too.
     
  5. TNJJ

    TNJJ Registered User

    May 7, 2019
    327
    Hi.I took my dad out the other day.As you know he has “capacity “.He said to me”I wish I had a gun”.Dad has always been a half empty kind of person and is already on antidepressants.He won’t go out and meet people,nor allow befrienders in.So,as he can only do 8steps with a gutter frame and goes in a wheelchair I’m afraid he will have to “suck it up”He has carers 4 times a day to give him a strip wash etc.I have told them NOT to call me except in an emergency.I have taken holiday away from him ,as at the end of my 4 full days I need a BREAK as he brings me down.I can understand where you are at with your MIL.
     
  6. Champers

    Champers Registered User

    Jan 3, 2019
    110
    You are so right. Sometimes you have to be strong for your own sanity.

    It’s fabulous having got MIL settled and sorted - fingers crossed - but my 87 year old mother, who lives 2 hours away, rang me today with another of her regular dramas. “I wish I could just end it all today. I’d go and lie on the railways tracks if I was brave enough.” When I asked why, she said she was lonely, neglected and hadn’t seen anyone for days (she has sent away any help or refused to engage with any social set up that I had arranged for her) She’s also been diagnosed with early stage Alzheimer’s but luckily looks after herself reasonably well at the moment. I suggested that maybe she considered moving into the same residential care as MIL as she was now so much happier. Plus, she would only be 10 minutes down the road from me. Mother then turns it around saying, “I love my home and I know all my neighbours! Why would I want to move away?”

    Sometimes, you just can win!
     
  7. TNJJ

    TNJJ Registered User

    May 7, 2019
    327
    It sounds like your mother and my father would get on!.Sometimes you just have to let them sit in their own misery.,unfortunately.
     
  8. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    616
    Oh I feel like I’m reading my life story - snap!
    Not that it’s much help I know but it’s so tiring the negativity all the time.
    When Mums negative when I visit I just say I need to go to the loo, or put the kettle on, empty the bin etc just something so I don’t get drawn into the negativity- Mum has finally realised I now won’t give her the adrenaline stimulation of a differing opinion, Mum does love a bit of argey bargey to get her fizz back!
    I think my sanity is to be found patchy at times & bit bruised & battered but floating around again!
    I am now using the approach I am doing all I can to help you stay in your home!
    Which I have been doing all along quietly in the background!!!
     
  9. Roseleigh

    Roseleigh Registered User

    Dec 26, 2016
    130
    It's too easy for your brother to object while you are doing the work! Have you suggested that he should take over care of your mum if he wants to save money by delaying residential care? Maybe even if he comes to look after her for a week or two he will realise how challenging it s.
     
  10. Bedllington

    Bedllington Registered User

    Jul 22, 2018
    14
    Thank you for all the supportive replies.
    Mum went to visit her friend last week (her friends just come out id hospital, and has to have carers in every day, which is new to her) mum sat and listened to her friend, and really took on board what she was saying - that she had to accept the carers to keep her independence. Simehow this has had a calming effect on mum, which is amazing. I have altered mums care package, which includes a welfare check every night at 9pm, to check shes ok and to check the doors are locked. Im trying to find a hot meals on wheels service that deliver at about 5pm. If anyone knows if theres a service, please let me know. My brothers still ****, but im feeling a little calmer today x
     
  11. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    7,874
    Yorkshire
  12. TNJJ

    TNJJ Registered User

    May 7, 2019
    327
    Aaaagh!!!So glad for this post.Dad in full form today.I heard about his urine bag breaking all over his bedroom floor,so carers has to clean it up this morning .I made this mistake of asking “Did she use the carpet machine “?I wish I had never bothered!As he did not know!..So I cooked dinner after assisting him to walk to his wheelchair.Apparently that was “Tasteless “!But he wanted to use the toilet so I asked the carers..He was going to eat his dinner first!!!He could have gone before when they were here but wasn’t going too.Then after they had gone and I had to lift the wheelchair to take it over the conservatory lip to the garden to do his nails.,it was “too cold”.So back in we go.Meanwhile he is sat back in the conservatory moaning “he is bored”... As expected,next comes ,”I could go to the toilet for something to do “.I said to him that was ok but I would be putting him on the commode as I had hurt my shoulder last time trying to get into the bathroom and then get him onto the toilet.(Door has been moved the other way but carpet rides up pushing the Sara Stedy and then you have to push it in and remove toilet roll holder etc to get him onto it)He is very heavy these days and leans to the left.He apparently “will not be going on the commode”!So,I said I suggest he waits until the tea carer comes.(male)He can take him.So he is still in the conservatory.Bored listening to the radio.
     
  13. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    616
    Virtual G&T being sent to you ASAP! It’s so wearing isn’t it, the continual negativity!
    No matter what you do, how hard you try to be positive; at some point you just want to scream with the frustration of it all!
    I really feel for you,” ping ponging along” I call it!
    It’s hard to just say well we will wait for the carers- but a phrase I hear myself saying when I am with Mum more & more often.
    I made the decision to be a daughter again & find that hard at times. Mum can’t have it both ways -either she wants help or doesn’t but I can’t be the “whipping boy”
    I hope things go better today for you & the virtual G&T made you smile.
    Take care of yourself & ((((((Hugs)))))))
     
  14. TNJJ

    TNJJ Registered User

    May 7, 2019
    327
     
  15. TNJJ

    TNJJ Registered User

    May 7, 2019
    327
    Hi,I am not there today thank heavens! Dad was so adamant that he was not going to use the commode,I thought he was going to literally jump out of his wheelchair!!........This wasn't the dementia talking ,this was dad commanding.But,I am afraid it didn't work.So he was sat waiting for the carers ,when I left.
    Another thing he has started on about is his medication.
    Apparently,it does not work.He is already refusing his Senna with the carers.
    But he won't with me.(Dad has an obstruction in his lower bowel )..
    I have explained to him about his medication and what each pill is for.He is diabetic (type2)But none of them are doing any good.
    This will be the next thing on the list,his refusal to take any.He was going to "refuse and resist" so he said. He did take them.But as he has "capacIty" so they say who am I to argue..So glad I have 3 days off..






     
  16. TNJJ

    TNJJ Registered User

    May 7, 2019
    327
    So it begins! I had a phone call from the carer this morning.Dad has refused his medication as apparently he is not to take them.He had told the carer that the surgery phoned and that they were going to bring up some medication and take the others away...What has happened, has dad has had his Mirtazapine increased from 15 mg to 30mg for his depression.,after the doctor visited last week.....
    So dad has not had his diabetic tablets,or his blood pressure pills etc...
    I told the carer to phone his office and explain,as it too late to give now.As carers we were always told to write refuse and throw away,apparently they are not allowed to..
    You would have thought that the morning carers would have done this and not left it to the lunch time carer,who by the way thinks he is confused..Ah,well, he has "capacIty" so that is all that matters isn't it?!
     
  17. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    616
    Oh my .... that’s just not fair!
    No one knows what’s going on!!
    Surely somehow at the weekend you can get answers
    I really feel for you
    (((hugs)))
     
  18. TNJJ

    TNJJ Registered User

    May 7, 2019
    327
     
  19. TNJJ

    TNJJ Registered User

    May 7, 2019
    327
    :eek:o_OI knew this was going to happen,as he has been saying about it all week.! The surgery would have phoned and spoken to him about it.He has forgotten the doctor came to see him...He might take them tomorrow,who knows .
     
  20. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    616
    There is only so much you can do, & you have done above & beyond that!
    Life’s just one long rollercoaster with this disease!
    Virtual double G&T winging its way!!
    Fizzy water for me!!!
    Yay!!
     

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