Variation on a theme of DZU (getting out of the house)

[SussexDave]

DZU you have my sympathy and I hope the suggestions made by other respondents will be helpful.

I have a similar problem. Mum will go out but only in my company. This obviously means that I am struggling to get time to myself. Mum was attending a small and very friendly day centre one day per week but has recently refused to go back (there was no obvious trigger for this but mum has never been keen on going). The carer came to pick mum up and tried to persuade her to go along with her but to no avail. Mum also refuses to have visitors to the house, carers used to come twice a day to administer medication but mum became increasingly hostile to them and I took over this responsibility. In emergencies mum will agree to visits by my brother and a close neighbour but neither are able to provide much regular cover.

I would be most grateful if anyone has any experience of this kind of behaviour and could offer advice on strategies to overcome it.

Many thanks in advance

 

[loveahug]

Hi Dave

reading betweent the lines I think your mum is starting to prefer to be around you, than anyone else and she is slowly pulling you in to more time spent with her. It's not that anyone is doing anything wrong, just that you have obviously developed a way with her that she is more comfortable with, are you a big strong bloke she feels safe with maybe? Are you ok with this or is it starting to bother you, if so I think you need to be a little more firm about having other people around. If you got sick, how would she cope suddenly faced with others having to be involved. So it's not about her or you, just about 'the situation'.

Just my thoughts, ignore me if you think I'm blethering on.

Hugs

 

[SussexDave]

Hi Dave

reading betweent the lines I think your mum is starting to prefer to be around you, than anyone else and she is slowly pulling you in to more time spent with her. It's not that anyone is doing anything wrong, just that you have obviously developed a way with her that she is more comfortable with, are you a big strong bloke she feels safe with maybe? Are you ok with this or is it starting to bother you, if so I think you need to be a little more firm about having other people around. If you got sick, how would she cope suddenly faced with others having to be involved. So it's not about her or you, just about 'the situation'.

Just my thoughts, ignore me if you think I'm blethering on.

Hugs

Dear Hugs,

You certainly live up to your name, thank you for your kind words, they are not bletherings but sensible comments about my predicament.

I love the idea that I am a big strong bloke but seriously you are right that mum is more comfortable with me than anyone else. I had to rescue her from herself about a year ago. Mum was living alone but refusing help and would not eat (she was less than five and a half stone).

If I force her into social situations she becomes very disturbed and we get all the problems (there were many) that I have "cured" over the past year. The days of reasoned discussions are long gone and although mum is still quite lucid most of the time she can no longer deal in concepts or recognise potential consequences. Neither the carrot nor the stick produce results. Persuasion is the only tool I have.

The question of what would happen if I became unable to look after her terrifies me but if I cannot get her to accept day care I feel sure that respite care involving an overnight stay away from home would at the moment be out of the question.

Hence my plea for any advice on developing a strategy on how to make mum more comfortable with others.

I would like to return the hug

Dave

 

[small]

Hi,you have my greatest sympathy but you are going to have to be tough to be kind. I am my husbands sole carer. My husband is almost identical. Says he loves socialising and visitors but puts up obstacles to try and prevent it.

Likewise he refuses daycare. I told him I desperately needed it for me to carry on with him. He agreed to give it a try, then obfuscated his way through his visit. Result nowhere! But I do go out twice a week on my own. When I miss one of these bursts of freedom I get really harassed by weekend, The result of my absences often leads him to accepting visits from people normally not welcomed. It is an ongoing battle but I was advised not to give up activities I like to do and hopefully I'll get there. Good luck and remember your needs for help and respite are as important as your mums are for you alone!

Jackie

 

[FifiMo]

One thing that has been tried before is to introduce the carer, not as a carer but as a friend of yours who is in the area with their work. Invite them in for a chat and a cup of tea and at the end of the visit get the carer to say they've really enjoyed,themselves as they are new to the area and would your mum mind if they popped in for a chat now and then. Make it very casual and more focused on the person visiting you the first time. Maybe next day get them to come round with a bunch of flowers to say thank you for a lovely afternoon, that kind of thing. This might be more acceptable to your mum as it is not the Authorities imposing something on her.


Fiona

 

[SussexDave]

Fiona and Jackie,

Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate your replies. Unfortunately I have tried the tricks you mention. Even the prospect of being alone does not worry her, although she obviously cannot be left alone for safety reasons.

I will take on board your comments about finding time for myself.

Again many thanks and I will keep trying.

 

[shark2]

Hi Dave,
my sympathies to you. I know exactly how you feel. My mother is the same. She goes to a senior citizens club 1 day a week for an hour and thats it. Rest of time she wants to be with me. I have been in touch with SW who is trying to arrange sitters so I can have a break. Haven't mentioned it to mother yet - still working on how to bring it up and get her to agree. Know she will think Im dumping her, don't want her etc
Have no wise words of wisdom, just wanted you to know I feel your pain. Sometimes I feel like I have no life of my own xx

 

[SussexDave]

Thanks Shark2,

I am sorry that you are in the same position but your post is very welcome. As always it is good to know that one is not alone. There are many good ideas from others on this topic and I hope you find a way that works for you and your mother.

It sounds as though your mother still has some level of understanding and although she may resent the idea at first, she may come to accept the sitters and develop the confidence to know that you will return.

Until a few months ago I was able to leave my mother for up to an hour at a time. On the weekend I would tell her I was going for a newspaper (this was true as we live in a semi rural area and I would walk for the exercise). Mum very quickly got accustomed to this and was content to listen to music until I returned.

Unfortunately, this phase has now passed and I will have to find a way to deal with mum's aversion to other people.

Please keep in touch if you can and perhaps we can exchange experiences.

Thinking of you

Dave