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Urgh!

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,885
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South coast
even though his life is full with travel plans, doting daughters, and myself catering to his every need….every day he asks what is happening today as if expecting more.
Every morning when I take my OH a morning cup of coffee before he gets up, OH will ask me what is happening that day. He is not asking because he wants more, he is asking so that he can get it straight in his mind. If I tell him his carer is coming at xx o'clock (to help him wash and dress) but then we have the rest of the day to ourselves, he is quite happy - he just wants to know.
 

Helly68

Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
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Thanks to everyone who has replied and for the good wishes.

I think it still takes surprising time and effort to respond to a loved one with dementia with understanding of their experience (as far as this might be possible). I hope I am not confusing the issue.
My father was always "in charge" - looking after my mother during my childhood and adult life, he made all the decisons. I still have trouble seeing him in any other light and understanding that he is now not always making good decisions. I get frustrated that his independence is predicated on me being there (though I am lucky that he still has a degree of independence) but I need to get past this as he can never see himself as I do and he is very scared.

I think he is either going to grudgingly accept some help with shopping, or we will be waiting for a crisis.
 

Helly68

Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
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Well readers, it looks as though waiting for a crisis it is.
I spoke to him over coffee at the garden centre, about having someone to help with shopping (a new kind of service, so he did not think it would be like the carers his neighbour has).

He replied with a firm no. And then "I will choose what happens and when".

Sadly, the catch 22 of dementia probably menas he won't have a choice eventually. I think now he has fluctuating capacity, so I don't feel I can overrule him. Besides, he is capable of cutting off contact if I overstep the mark. It is possible he may come round to the idea of carers (he did grudgling accept a stick) but it is a tough call between admitting it, or having a crisis beofre we can put anything in place.

My partner and I are away this weekend, so Daddy's freezer is stocked (though I don't think he is eating well) and the animals have all they need. So, a heady combination of frustration and guilt, our old friends here on TP.
A heads up to anyone else on here struggling this week. I am lucky that he still has some independence, but I am so tired............
 

Helly68

Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
1,312
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Well, I wondered if we would have a crisis, and we did, albeit a small one.
Last night my father tripped over a step in his kitchen and was unable to get up. Two nice policeman ended up helping him and also kicking in his door, so trying to get locksmith out.
Daddy is fine, a bit bruised but checked over that the hospital - before trying to escape from A&E. Cue worried phone calls from security staff at the hospital. He was found, and I bought him home. A few more bruises, but it won't change his attitude to independence......
Can I go to bed now?
 

Helly68

Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
1,312
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Thank you @jennifer1967 .
Things are quieter now, although my Dad told me he fell over in the garden yesterday - he thought it was a great joke. He told me how he got back up becuase his friend told him to plant a garden fork in the ground to pull yourself up with. I now have visions of him impaling his foot on the fork. Sigh.
I was trying to get him to have a rail put in the kitchen by the step, where he fell. He says he may "think about it" but he does not really want it because "it is his house". I am all for supporting independence and have never forced him into anything.........but this is driving me up the wall.
I was texting my sister (who lives in Paris) ast night. I think we are not far off from a more serious crisis. He now falls regulalry and it may only be a matter of time before he really hurts himself. It's complicated becuause he is capable of an oscar-worthy perfromance of "nothing to see here", so I suspect he would be deemed to have capacity. Five minutes later, and he is having a conversation with "Rover", a ceramic dog, that appeared in the house from God knows where.
Confused, you will be.
Hoping to talk to his GP with afternoon about the Pacemaker. Which he has now decided he might want, as his neighbour has one. As you do.........
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
12,728
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Southampton
Thank you @jennifer1967 .
Things are quieter now, although my Dad told me he fell over in the garden yesterday - he thought it was a great joke. He told me how he got back up becuase his friend told him to plant a garden fork in the ground to pull yourself up with. I now have visions of him impaling his foot on the fork. Sigh.
I was trying to get him to have a rail put in the kitchen by the step, where he fell. He says he may "think about it" but he does not really want it because "it is his house". I am all for supporting independence and have never forced him into anything.........but this is driving me up the wall.
I was texting my sister (who lives in Paris) ast night. I think we are not far off from a more serious crisis. He now falls regulalry and it may only be a matter of time before he really hurts himself. It's complicated becuause he is capable of an oscar-worthy perfromance of "nothing to see here", so I suspect he would be deemed to have capacity. Five minutes later, and he is having a conversation with "Rover", a ceramic dog, that appeared in the house from God knows where.
Confused, you will be.
Hoping to talk to his GP with afternoon about the Pacemaker. Which he has now decided he might want, as his neighbour has one. As you do.........
we have hand grips either side of our front door. he uses them. they were put there for both of us. they are white so blend it with the house. my husband can manage to act like theres not a lot wrong. i think he said yes to the adaption as they benefit both of us. mine has capacity as well so if he doesnt want help because hes got me, then he calls the shots.
 

Moggymad

Registered User
May 12, 2017
1,068
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Hi @Helly68 I don’t suppose your dad would agree to a key safe somewhere discreet to save the door lock being broken in future? If not could it be done furtively without him noticing. How did he alert you or police for help?
These stages are so difficult to deal with, with you trying to keep him safe & respect his independence & your dad not recognising his needs & fiercely defending his independence! Big sigh….best of luck.
 

Helly68

Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
1,312
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@jennifer1967 and @Moggymad - Daddy crawled to the phone. I think he may accept a hand rail. I have one here and it is no biggie.
The key safe, yes, we had been considering this. I doubt though that it could be done without him noticing, he is still very aware.
Spoke to the GP yesterday and it sounds as though it is full steam ahead for the Pacemaker, which hopefully will help him to feel less tired.
@jennifer1967 - you sum it up very well - he knows I am around (at the moment, but I won't be soon when back to work) and I think he really wants to do everything himself but cannot or will not accept that increasingly that is not happening. It is very sad really.
 

Helly68

Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
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Great! Now the fridge has broken, sigh. It's an integrated under-counter one so time for the measuring tape. Daddy think we will never get the right size, so should order a freestanding one and put it in another room. Hmmmm. Hopefully I can convince him otherwise.
 

jugglingmum

Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
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Chester
Great! Now the fridge has broken, sigh. It's an integrated under-counter one so time for the measuring tape. Daddy think we will never get the right size, so should order a freestanding one and put it in another room. Hmmmm. Hopefully I can convince him otherwise.
Oh No.

I'm sure you've checked but I assume he hasn't turned it off or fiddled with the temp dial.

It shouldn't be too hard to find a replacement that fits in - they are all standard size and it should be a case of removing the old and fitting the new - sadly under your supervision.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
12,728
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Southampton
Great! Now the fridge has broken, sigh. It's an integrated under-counter one so time for the measuring tape. Daddy think we will never get the right size, so should order a freestanding one and put it in another room. Hmmmm. Hopefully I can convince him otherwise.
oh dear. @MaNaAk had that with thewashing machine in the new flat. they had to adjust the door where it was going to go. arent they standard size? i got a half and half fridge freezer to replace the chest freezer and the fridge
 

Helly68

Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
1,312
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His kind neighbour's son is going to check to make sure there is nothing obvious that could be fixed. It is over 20 years old, so ut's probably just given up. They are a standard size, but my father is convinced not. Fortunately we have been able to scotch his idea of having a freestanding fridge in another room (why?) as there is no other obvious space. The kitchen is also a tip, but he won't allow anyone, including my sister and I to clean. Becuase he cleans "alll the time". Right, That'll be why there's dried on parrot poop everywhere then......
Before I spoke to him, I had booked to go and see the Downton Abbey movie (quite good, a nice bit of escapism), so had to measure up in case we need a new fridge after. Oh, he said "off to the cinema, it's alright for some".
He would never go to the cinema as he hates watching films with other people...........
Sigh.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
5,038
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Nottinghamshire
Hope you enjoyed the film @Helly68, and you find a good replacement fridge that your dad is happy with. Is there anyway you or your sister could take him out while the other one gives the kitchen a once over? It sounds like a case of food poisoning in waiting at the moment.
 

Helly68

Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
1,312
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Thank you for that @Sarasa . When my sister is over, we do blitz the place, but he does not go out much. The only other times he goes out is when I take him. If he has the Pacemaker fitted, I may be able to get away whilst they are doing it.
The problem is, it is his house and he feels he should do everything. He can't - it's quite a large house and the animals make a mess. He gets very angry if anyone tries to do anything - sees it as a threat to his authority or is upset that we feel he isn't doing enough cleaning. It is tough. I mentioned a cleaner, he is still angry with me about that.
I suspect the only way this will get resolved now is some kind of crisis.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
8,013
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Essex
Thank you for that @Sarasa . When my sister is over, we do blitz the place, but he does not go out much. The only other times he goes out is when I take him. If he has the Pacemaker fitted, I may be able to get away whilst they are doing it.
The problem is, it is his house and he feels he should do everything. He can't - it's quite a large house and the animals make a mess. He gets very angry if anyone tries to do anything - sees it as a threat to his authority or is upset that we feel he isn't doing enough cleaning. It is tough. I mentioned a cleaner, he is still angry with me about that.
I suspect the only way this will get resolved now is some kind of crisis.
He sounds like how my dad used to be. As far as dad was concerned we shouldn't mention his hearing and he was still head of the house. I was told that I was confused and that I should never have made him an appointment about his forgetfulness.

Hugs

Man
 

Helly68

Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
1,312
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Thanks @MaNaAk - I think you have the right of it there. Head of the house. To be fair, he had to make a lot of decisions for the whole family for a long time. In his mind I think he thinks he still does.