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Urgh!

Helly68

Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
1,203
0
It has been a while since I posted about myself or my Dad.
Some of you may remember that my Mum had mixed dementia and died nearly two years ago. Shortly after, my father was diagnosed with early memory loss, probably Alzheimers. So, here we are again.

I am writing this as a kind of therapy, to get down what is in my head, rather than for advice. My father currently lives alone, near me, but like so many of us, I am not sure for how much longer this will be practical.

He is very determined, independent and fixed in his ways (sound familiar?). I am his only relative in this country. He is starting to have issues living alone - locking himself out, losing keys, money cards etc. Usually we deal with this (I am aware he is doing pretty well all things considered), but this week has not been good.
I was made redundant from my NHS job and am now looking for work. I have an interview tomorrow, which is great, but making me very anxious. This isn't helped by regular phone calls from my Dad who needs something, when I am trying to work on presentations/interview questions. I am tired and stressed, not ideal to make a good impression tomorrow.
I know in many ways, things are relative, and I am lucky that at the moment, he is still able to live alone, albeit with support. I am just very worried about the future. And tired, so tired.
So, not really sure where I am going with this, but if you go thtis far, thank you. Reading posts on the forum each day (and trying to reply to those I think I have some knowledge of) really helps me.
 

RosettaT

Registered User
Sep 9, 2018
787
0
Mid Lincs
I'm so sorry @Helly68, it's hard enough going through it once let alone twice.
Best luck with your interview, try to put your concerns aside for the day and concentrate on your own needs.
 

Helly68

Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
1,203
0
Thank you @RosettaT , that is kind. I think being a carer is a lesson in putting others first, so when you do try and put yourself first, it isn't easy......
 

DreamsAreReal

Registered User
Oct 17, 2015
366
0
Wow, no wonder you’re feeling stressed. You’ve got so much on your plate right now. I feel for you. Best of luck with your interview tomorrow. xx
 

Helly68

Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
1,203
0
Thank you everyone, sometimes it is good to vent.
The redundancy thing has been going on for ages, as once they made the announcement, COVID hit, and as I work in the NHS, they redeployed me temporarily to the national COVID programmes. This was good as it gave me more experience, but tough and very fast paced. That has finished now, and sods law, the point at which I may get interviews, my father's ability to live independently is deteriorating.
The current health issue is that his GP and the hospital want him to have a pacemaker, he is not keen but I think he does not understand fully the pros and cons, though I suspect he would pass a capacity test, and therefore has the right to refuse treatment. It's the sort of balancing act we all deal with all the time. Hopefully I can convince him....
 

jugglingmum

Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
6,310
0
Chester
I think you need to give yourself some space today to relax and prep for the interview.

Set a couple of half hours where you turn your phone off/ignore your phone and do some prep for the interview.

Also try to do something calming today as it will lower your stress levels.

Your dad is at the needy stage where a befriender or day care would support you especially once you are back working. Not sure if you have other support at the moment. It is about his needs and safety not his wants which I found difficult as a concept to accept but easier to see and action.

The pacemaker issue is a worry but the sooner the better if the decision is to go ahead. But this is seperate to the dementia issues that need to be managed now.

Good luck with the interview
 

Helly68

Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
1,203
0
Fortunately, all quiet so far, no phone calls.
Just doing the "why do you want this job" prep. I am planning a short walk in the sunshine later.
I think my Dad might benefit from a befriender, but would be highly unlikely to agree to "strangers" coming to the house or daycare. Fortunately he has lovely neighours who send round meals and look out for him, I am very lucky.
What happens once I am back at work (fingers crossed) is indeed an issue. On a good day, Daddy does understand that I am not always around. Saying no, for me is hard though and what he needs is an ongoing battle.
The pacemaker issue will, I think go ahead but he needs to talk to smeone to be clearer about why it is needed - or I do. Phone consultations with a GP dont work well for anyone, let alone someone with dementia.
 

Helly68

Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
1,203
0
Thank you everyone for the support - I needed it today.
It is so sad when you can see the PWD sees that they can no longer do something, is upset by it, but there is very little that you or anyone else can do. I don't know if it is better when you reach a stage where they have less awareness or not.......
 

Muttimuggle

Registered User
Dec 28, 2021
245
0
Just wanted to send my empathy. I was thinking of writing my own post today- I still may...but I was thinking about "boundaries".It is so hard dealing with other difficult things in our lives and then have a parent with dementia on top of that. There have been times when i have felt like I am going insane. I manage my mother(who does not know the extent of her dementia and lives alone) on my own largely but with the help of some care now. I have only negative support from my brother who criticizes what I do and then spends many months(unannounced ) at a timeout of the country on holiday. I am thinking more and more about the boundaries I must have in place for myself. I have made my decision(for the moment) about how much I can support a parent, unaided by other family, who doesn't really recognise her own dementia but who encounters lots of problems, things that"are broken", "have gone wrong(honestly! - her words )", has to be monitored with tablets(against her will), has continuing new health issues cropping up one after the other.

So I have decided that, living in the same city as her - I get her shopping, I visit 2 times a week, I am at the end of the phone in emergencies(and there have been a few of late), take her to some appointments.....and I communicate and organise the care she receives from an agency at tea time. Many people on here do much more but no-one should judge what another person's boundaries should be- but everyone should have boundaries, I believe. I had a bit of a turbulent childhood with my mother, where sometimes, as a child I felt responsible for catering for her needs and sometimes I was told too much(not enough boundaries!), too many things which should have not been disclosed to me as a child. It is because of this and the fact that I have been suffering chronic pain for the last 7 years that I must try to draw my lines under what my duty of care is. I am not saying it is easy to stick to these intentions and I am constantly re-evaluating and trying to make a good choice. The illness itself causes you to have to re-evaluate, don't you think, though? .....because things get worse and then you are forced with a choice to either give more or employ more help(and that is the stage I am coming to now).
Good luck with your job. You deserve this chance. You are important as well.
 

Helly68

Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
1,203
0
Thank you @Muttimuggle - boundaries are indeed important and, as you say things change. It's the balance between wants "I am indendent and I don't need any help" and needs "it is lunchtime and I have no food in the house, can you shop for me". Or "I don't want a Pacemaker - what are they anyway?" Hmmmmm.
Thanks again everyone.
 

KatyKat

Registered User
May 8, 2022
111
0
It has been a while since I posted about myself or my Dad.
Some of you may remember that my Mum had mixed dementia and died nearly two years ago. Shortly after, my father was diagnosed with early memory loss, probably Alzheimers. So, here we are again.

I am writing this as a kind of therapy, to get down what is in my head, rather than for advice. My father currently lives alone, near me, but like so many of us, I am not sure for how much longer this will be practical.

He is very determined, independent and fixed in his ways (sound familiar?). I am his only relative in this country. He is starting to have issues living alone - locking himself out, losing keys, money cards etc. Usually we deal with this (I am aware he is doing pretty well all things considered), but this week has not been good.
I was made redundant from my NHS job and am now looking for work. I have an interview tomorrow, which is great, but making me very anxious. This isn't helped by regular phone calls from my Dad who needs something, when I am trying to work on presentations/interview questions. I am tired and stressed, not ideal to make a good impression tomorrow.
I know in many ways, things are relative, and I am lucky that at the moment, he is still able to live alone, albeit with support. I am just very worried about the future. And tired, so tired.
So, not really sure where I am going with this, but if you go thtis far, thank you. Reading posts on the forum each day (and trying to reply to those I think I have some knowledge of) really helps me.
I can relate to much of what you say. Like you, I have an elderly parent who lives alone and is fierce about maintaining her independence. She can bathe, dress, vacuum, do laundry and wash the dishes. On the other hand she can no longer cook, drive, pay the bills or manage the household in any way. She gets easily confused by the least thing. The latest this week was a thermostat crisis: Even tho she's lived in her current house since 1996, she doesn't know how to operate her own thermostat. So, first she was burning up and then freezing, until I looked up the manual on the internet and figured out how to get it adjusted to her satisfaction.

Anyway, I know what you mean about posting topics as therapy. It does some good to write it down and tell it to people who you know will understand what you are talking about.
 

Muttimuggle

Registered User
Dec 28, 2021
245
0
I can relate to much of what you say. Like you, I have an elderly parent who lives alone and is fierce about maintaining her independence. She can bathe, dress, vacuum, do laundry and wash the dishes. On the other hand she can no longer cook, drive, pay the bills or manage the household in any way. She gets easily confused by the least thing. The latest this week was a thermostat crisis: Even tho she's lived in her current house since 1996, she doesn't know how to operate her own thermostat. So, first she was burning up and then freezing, until I looked up the manual on the internet and figured out how to get it adjusted to her satisfaction.

Anyway, I know what you mean about posting topics as therapy. It does some good to write it down and tell it to people who you know will understand what you are talking about.
Yes, this posting thread provides therapy for me too.Yes - mother can do everything in the house virtually. It is spic and span. The cleaner doesn't have to do much. Have had the thermostat problem also and sometimes I can't hear her on the phone because she is holding the handset upside down or thinks I can still hear her when she walks to the kitchen. Explaining what to do to make amends here is very difficult. Then some nights, suddenly unable to use the remote control(Thank God for the neighbour). Yes also she has lived in this house for 55 years, but absolutely any device which has had to be updated in her life like the phone, microwave, cooker, thermostat, locks to the doors are a continual challenge!
 

Lynmax

Registered User
Nov 1, 2016
991
0
When my mum started messing around with the thermostat, we installed Hive to be able to control the heating from the app on our phones. We left the old, disconnected thermostat in the hall for mum to “play” with and feel in control. Luckily we had secretly had broadband connected in her house so we could use Ring cameras so it was very easy to then add Hive. We were able to hide the broadband router under a heavy table in the hall to stop mum seeing it!

Mind you, she then began messing about with the boiler itself so we had to put a cage around the control unit in the cupboard - I found something suitable from a company supplying safety equipment to care homes.
 

Helly68

Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
1,203
0
I am glad that others have found things that resonate from my post, and good ideas here for the practical issues that crop up. I am thinking of getting a beeping locator thingy for Daddy's keys.
Had the interview today, I think it went OK, hard to tell. My anxiety often makes me my own worst enemy.
Thanks again to everyone for the good wishes. I should know next week about the job. Menawhile Daddy and I will e off for our regular garden centre trip tomorrow
 

DreamsAreReal

Registered User
Oct 17, 2015
366
0
Fingers crossed for the job.

I got a basic beeper key fob from Amazon for Mum’s ever-lost keys. It worked very well until she pulled it off and hid it. Enjoy your garden centre trip!
 

KatyKat

Registered User
May 8, 2022
111
0
Yes, this posting thread provides therapy for me too.Yes - mother can do everything in the house virtually. It is spic and span. The cleaner doesn't have to do much. Have had the thermostat problem also and sometimes I can't hear her on the phone because she is holding the handset upside down or thinks I can still hear her when she walks to the kitchen. Explaining what to do to make amends here is very difficult. Then some nights, suddenly unable to use the remote control(Thank God for the neighbour). Yes also she has lived in this house for 55 years, but absolutely any device which has had to be updated in her life like the phone, microwave, cooker, thermostat, locks to the doors are a continual challenge!
It does sound so much like my Mum and her house. Everything is clean and not too cluttered. However, the oven, microwave, thermostat, and tv remote have posed problems for her. Computers and cell phones are totally beyond her. Today, I set the thermostat before leaving the house because we're due for a heatwave this weekend, plus I went to the store and bought Mum plenty of cold food for salads and sandwiches. (keeping my fingers crossed)
 

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