Urgent question

Miss A

Registered User
Oct 26, 2012
62
0
The South West
Hi all,

I am in a difficult situation and I would really appreciate advise.

My Nan has been taken into hospital and is it a critical state. We have been told to prepare for the worst. I have told my Dad that his mum is in hospital but I haven't updated him on tonight's bad news. The next 24 hours are critical. He doesn't seem to understand the severity of nan being in hospital, should I tell him about the possibility we are going to loose nan? Or should I spare him and only tell him if something happens.

I hope that makes sense I'm not quite sure how to put it, my heads in a whirl

Thank you xx


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2jays

Registered User
Jun 4, 2010
11,598
0
West Midlands
Oh poor you

My thoughts
Don't worry about telling your dad anything at the moment, just think about your gran and yourself.

xxxxx
 

Lindy50

Registered User
Dec 11, 2013
5,242
0
Cotswolds
Oh poor you

My thoughts
Don't worry about telling your dad anything at the moment, just think about your gran and yourself.

xxxxx

I agree with this Miss A

You are bound to be in turmoil, and you have so little time to make decisions. So keep this one simple, concentrate on your nan, any other family members around you.....and of course, yourself.

Wait until you have news :( before you talk to your dad about it.

Thinking of you

Lindy xx
 

lizzybean

Registered User
Feb 3, 2014
1,366
0
Lancashire
If he's not going to really understand I can't see the point of telling him. He is not going to be of any comfort or help to you & if you spell it out could become distressed & then you would have to deal with that as well.
Sorry if that sounds harsh but to me you have enough on your plate already.
Hope you are ok.
 

Miss A

Registered User
Oct 26, 2012
62
0
The South West
Hi all,

Thank you so much for your replies, I took everything on board and I found your responses helpful in such a difficult time. Sadly my nan passed away on Thursday afternoon. I told my Dad how serious the situation was on Thursday morning and we made the decision to go up to Berkshire to say goodbye. I am pleased that Dad got to say goodbye to his Mum and she had all the family around we when the time came. However I am concerned about how my Dad has reacted - to be honest he hasn't really reacted. He has spoken about Nan's death but it is very matter of fact with little emotion. When I took him home last night he said to me "did you have a nice time?" I was gobsmacked, he didn't realise how stupid that sounded, have he forgotton that Nan had died?? I worry how he will be at the funeral, do I have cause to? I'm really confused by it, my old Dad (before Alzheimer's) would have been so different. My family don't understand at the best of times, if he says something inappropriate at the funeral what do it do? This morning he called all bright and breezy like nothing had happened.

Xx
 

lizzybean

Registered User
Feb 3, 2014
1,366
0
Lancashire
Hi Miss A, nothing has happened for him! He has instantly forgotten it & so he can't react to it. On the day he didn't react as you would have expected because he no longer knows how to react appropriately anymore. As to the funeral I have no advice to give just be good to yourself & don't stress too much about his reactions or your rellies.
So sorry you are going thru this, & the sad passing of your Nan.
 

Lindy50

Registered User
Dec 11, 2013
5,242
0
Cotswolds
Hi Miss A, nothing has happened for him! He has instantly forgotten it & so he can't react to it. On the day he didn't react as you would have expected because he no longer knows how to react appropriately anymore. As to the funeral I have no advice to give just be good to yourself & don't stress too much about his reactions or your rellies.
So sorry you are going thru this, & the sad passing of your Nan.

I agree with this Miss A

Sadly what it means for you is that you have lost your nan, and at the same time the extent of your dad's illness has become sharply apparent. So you have two losses to deal with :(

As lizzybean says, don't worry about your dad's reactions at the funeral, be kind to yourself, and allow yourself to grieve.

Thinking of you at this very difficult time and sending you a (((hug)))

Lindy xx
 

Noorza

Registered User
Jun 8, 2012
6,541
0
Your poor Dad doesn't understand as others have said. his Alzheimer's is too far advanced. I would explain to your relatives that your Dad is more poorly than they know, unable to understand what has happened to his mum, let them know he has Alzheimer's and ask for their understanding.

I may even print out this thread and give a copy to them to help them to understand how your Dad is now unwell himself.

In my family those who don't understand or wish to act as if this is not happening I have had to walk away from as it is my Mum who needs my energy. I hope this will be a time when like most families you pull together to support your Dad through this.

I would let them know before the funeral, how they react then is up to them.
 

Rageddy Anne

Registered User
Feb 21, 2013
5,984
0
Cotswolds
Hi all,

Thank you so much for your replies, I took everything on board and I found your responses helpful in such a difficult time. Sadly my nan passed away on Thursday afternoon. I told my Dad how serious the situation was on Thursday morning and we made the decision to go up to Berkshire to say goodbye. I am pleased that Dad got to say goodbye to his Mum and she had all the family around we when the time came. However I am concerned about how my Dad has reacted - to be honest he hasn't really reacted. He has spoken about Nan's death but it is very matter of fact with little emotion. When I took him home last night he said to me "did you have a nice time?" I was gobsmacked, he didn't realise how stupid that sounded, have he forgotton that Nan had died?? I worry how he will be at the funeral, do I have cause to? I'm really confused by it, my old Dad (before Alzheimer's) would have been so different. My family don't understand at the best of times, if he says something inappropriate at the funeral what do it do? This morning he called all bright and breezy like nothing had happened.

Xx
Can you easily contact your family members who don't really understand, and explain to them that your Dad's illness means he won't be able to remember at the funeral, and might well seem to be unaware...because to him, after a very short time, it won't have happened?
 
Last edited:

stanleypj

Registered User
Dec 8, 2011
10,712
0
North West
I'm not sure whether you can say for certain he has forgotten or doesn't understand.

It is well known that people with dementia are likely to be less empathetic as the disease takes hold and, from what I've read, it is not uncommon to get this kind of reaction.

Whatever - the positive thing surely is that he is not desolate or even, apparently, sad. I'm sure it's better for him, and the family, that he has reacted as he has rather than in the way your 'old dad' would have reacted.

If you are able to 'warn' relatives before the funeral, this would probably be helpful to all concerned.
 

bilslin

Registered User
Jan 17, 2014
762
0
hertforshire
Sorry missA that the loss of your Nan. When my dad died (at home) my mum thought he was still, asleep. We tried to explain how ill he was but I don't think looking back that she really took it in. She did cry at his funeral but she never speaks of him at all now. Even if we talk about him she never joins in, they were married nearly 60 years. I hope everything goes well at the funeral. Be thinking of you, my mum just went through the day as any other day if you know what I mean. Some ways she never gets upset over the loss of my dad because of the horrible disease but a least she not suffering the pain of loosing her husband:(. lindax
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,449
0
Scotland
I'm not sure whether you can say for certain he has forgotten or doesn't understand.

It is well known that people with dementia are likely to be less empathetic as the disease takes hold and, from what I've read, it is not uncommon to get this kind of reaction.

Whatever - the positive thing surely is that he is not desolate or even, apparently, sad. I'm sure it's better for him, and the family, that he has reacted as he has rather than in the way your 'old dad' would have reacted.

If you are able to 'warn' relatives before the funeral, this would probably be helpful to all

concerned.


Yes, this lack of empathy is hard to deal with and it can have a devastating effect on relationships until you appreciate that AD is the cause. The person who was there is hidden behind an apparent lack of feeling.

I still puzzle over my husband's inability to react appropriately to family issues but at least I now understand what is going on in the background and so don't dislike him for it which I am sorry to say was happening before his diagnosis.
 

Dazmum

Registered User
Jul 10, 2011
10,322
0
Horsham, West Sussex
We told my mum when dad was very ill in hospital, and I took her to see him. I did tell her that he was very poorly and not likely to come through. I'm not sure if she completely understood that I wanted her to say goodbye to him, but I think she did in her own way. She was terribly upset when I had to tell he was gone, and heartbreakingly she said she would never forget him. She had forgotten that he had died by the day of the funeral, so we had to tell her again, and I'm not sure how much she took in of the day, as on the way home she said she's had a lovely time :( she enjoyed seeing all the relations who never come and see her, but that's another story.

Since then she doesn't mention dad at all, and although I don't now shy away from mentioning him myself, I really don't think she connects my dad with being her husband. I won't tell her that he has gone again, and when her brother died last year I decided not to tell her. She never asks after him.

I hope all goes as well as it can for you at the funeral xxx
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,283
0
SW London
We told my mum when dad was very ill in hospital, and I took her to see him. I did tell her that he was very poorly and not likely to come through. I'm not sure if she completely understood that I wanted her to say goodbye to him, but I think she did in her own way. She was terribly upset when I had to tell he was gone, and heartbreakingly she said she would never forget him. She had forgotten that he had died by the day of the funeral, so we had to tell her again, and I'm not sure how much she took in of the day, as on the way home she said she's had a lovely time :( she enjoyed seeing all the relations who never come and see her, but that's another story.

I have sometimes thought that this is one of the precious few blessings of dementia (if there can ever be said to be such a thing) - that people who would have been devastated by a death, and would have grieved most terribly, are so often apparently bothered so little and forget so quickly.

It would be such a dreadful extra burden for them otherwise.