urgent advice needed

debill

Registered User
Jul 13, 2010
142
manchester
hi guys really long story but will keep it as short as I can , I started caring for my mum 4 years ago who in my opinion has LBD but is diagnosed with AL and VD over the last 12 months I have struggled greatly to get support help ect , in the end I emailed my MP as any other pleas where falling on deaf ears begging for help as I felt in a very dark place , I did get services involved as in mum got a social worker and a mental health nurse but it felt like it was forced help and they were causing more stress than actually helping in any way , I eventually broke down to my GP who got the crisis team involved with myself as my own mental health wasn't good , after 4 weeks of them fighting to get me help I one night took an overdose and had to be admitted to hospital whist I was in hospital my mum was left by them at my brothers who is a violent alcoholic and is recorded as such so this caused more stress to myself worrying about her , on my discharge I went to view a care home to get myself some much needed respite my mum is doing ok in there well when I say ok she is no worse than she is at home , mum is due home Thursday and I received a phone call today at 3pm telling me all the services were meeting tomorrow at the care home for a best interests meeting about my mum with a view to long term care ,,, I have never ever asked for this all I wanted was a mini break and support im now frantic with worry that by me taking an overdose I may of caused my mum being taken away from me ,, can anyone offer any advice please xx
 

Just thinking

Registered User
May 7, 2008
152
North west
hi guys really long story but will keep it as short as I can , I started caring for my mum 4 years ago who in my opinion has LBD but is diagnosed with AL and VD over the last 12 months I have struggled greatly to get support help ect , in the end I emailed my MP as any other pleas where falling on deaf ears begging for help as I felt in a very dark place , I did get services involved as in mum got a social worker and a mental health nurse but it felt like it was forced help and they were causing more stress than actually helping in any way , I eventually broke down to my GP who got the crisis team involved with myself as my own mental health wasn't good , after 4 weeks of them fighting to get me help I one night took an overdose and had to be admitted to hospital whist I was in hospital my mum was left by them at my brothers who is a violent alcoholic and is recorded as such so this caused more stress to myself worrying about her , on my discharge I went to view a care home to get myself some much needed respite my mum is doing ok in there well when I say ok she is no worse than she is at home , mum is due home Thursday and I received a phone call today at 3pm telling me all the services were meeting tomorrow at the care home for a best interests meeting about my mum with a view to long term care ,,, I have never ever asked for this all I wanted was a mini break and support im now frantic with worry that by me taking an overdose I may of caused my mum being taken away from me ,, can anyone offer any advice please xx
I wanted to send you a reply as I'm sure you need to know someone hears you. I only wish I knew more about this situ but being really honest I don't. However, I have been involved in a 'best interests' meeting and as I remember, it's as much about what's best for you as much as your Mum and getting you the right kind and amount of help to enable you to care for her in the best way possible without your health taking a down turn. So please try not to worry. You as a carer are very important and it's vital you don't burn out. Let's know how it goes. Good luck!
 

jaymor

Volunteer Moderator
Jul 14, 2006
12,672
England
Hi Debill,

You really are struggling and it is not easy for any of us to deal with everything that goes with dementia, if only we could life would be ok.

Whilst your Mum has been in respite others besides you have seen how she manages her life with dementia and they are acting on what they have seen. The best interests meeting is what it says, to find the best care for your Mum, whether at home with care coming into the home or in a care home where she will receive care 24 hours a day. You go along and be part of that meeting. Listen to what they say and you can also add what you think to the mix.

They can put in a lot of care at home but that will still leave many hours when it is up to you, whether you are fighting fit or not so well to care for your Mum. If a care home is suggested then you will still be doing your caring role, just in a different way. You will have quality time with Mum, to sit and chat, have tea, do what you want. You can forget the medication, the washing, the cooking and all the rest of the awful tasks, the care home do that. You can leave Mum after a visit knowing she is safe and cared for until your next visit.

Visits can be as often as you like, for as long as you want and at any time. So don't worry too much. Changes are ahead which ever direction you go in but it will be in your Mum's best interest and that can only be good. You too need some time to take care of yourself, carers breakdown is not good, it happens to many of us when we keep going beyond what we can physically manage.

Take care and let us know how you get on,

Jay
 

Beate

Registered User
May 21, 2014
11,839
London
You have to see it from their perspective - I don't think they had a choice! They have to safeguard your Mum and neither a "violent drunk" nor someone with their own mental health problems who took an overdose is necessarily the best person to care for someone with dementia. As long as you aren't stable enough, they have to take over her care themselves. To be honest, they are the only ones with a duty of care - you have no duty yourself. The meeting is a chance to tell them how you think you are coping - if you are, great, if you are not, they can give you help too. But please be brutally honest with yourself - a care home might be the best place for your Mum where she receives the best care. If she is to come home, they can put help in place like carers coming to the house several times a day etc. So don't be afraid of the meeting but see it as a chance to get the help your Mum and you need, and be happy that something is finally done.
 
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Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
2,953
West Hertfordshire
look at it from their view. Look at what the options are for your mum if you become more unwell. If its got to the point that you'll take an overdose, then its pretty bad.

What then happened to mum that day wasn't fair on her, and that's all they will consider- what is best for mum.

in answer to your question - Yes, You taking and overdose may well be the reason your mum goes into fulltime care
 

rajahh

Registered User
Aug 29, 2008
2,794
Hertfordshire
Often the benefit from having a break from caring does nit last long and there are two people to consider here. Your other but also yourself.

The stress if she returned to you could soon build up again and it may actually be in your best interests for your mother to remain in care.

V
This does not mean you stop being a carer. When my husband went into permanent care I visited frequently and had much input into his care, but I was also able to come home to a quiet stress free house and have undisturbed sleep.


This may well be the right solution for you both
 

Wolfsgirl

Registered User
Oct 18, 2012
1,028
Nr Heathrow, Mum has AD & VD
I very much agree with both Kassy and Jaymoor.

Your actions may have contributed in some way to making sure your Mum gets the best possible care. Your brothers actions will have done the same in a different way and the choices he has made how to live his life will have impacted on you through his lack of support.

Well done in reaching out for help in the first place, what a time you have had! :eek:


Your post makes me so sad,you hit rock bottom,as do many carers,none of this is your fault.
I hope you and your mum get the help you deserve,thinking of you.x
 

2jays

Registered User
Jun 4, 2010
11,598
West Midlands
My thoughts

If your mum is moved into care it is not your fault because you tried to commit suicide

It's the fault - if the fault word needs to be used - it's the fault of dementia.

The fact that you got to such a point means to me that you were suffering a Carers breakdown.

This situation is a crisis situation. But It's getting the help your mum needs and you need.

Moving someone into care isn't necessarily the worst thing that can happen to someone. After a settling in period it could be the best thing for mum as she is now.

Try - it's not easy - to take a mental step back and see mum how she is now. She's not completely the mum that you used to know is my guess. She will get harder to care for on your own. Not necessarily immediately, but it will happen.

Taking that step back.... That way maybe you could see it's a positive in mum moving into care and not that you are a failure because she moves into care.

Thinking of you. It's so hard to deal with anything to do with dementia. Emotions are raw at every turn. Just know you are not totally alone, you have TP and people here who understand and know exactly how you are feeling. xx


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,013
Scotland
All good advice from the others. You can be your mums carer on a daily basis as a visitor and advocate for her best interests while in care. This sounds like everyone working together to make things as good as they can for you all. Take this opportunity to get yourself in good health and you will be able to appreciate her being looked after.

Good wishes to you all.
 

CollegeGirl

Registered User
Jan 19, 2011
9,525
North East England
I am so very sorry that you found yourself in such a such a dark place that you took an overdose, my heart goes out to you. I know it's very difficult but please try not to blame yourself. It was dementia that has caused your own breakdown - not your fault nor your mum's.

I'm also sorry that I don't know what is going to happen at the best interests meeting, but even if your mum does end up staying in full-time care, this does not prevent you from being involved with her care and may well give you a little bit of space to recover yourself for however long that takes.

Please do keep on posting and we can support you as all this is going on.

xx
 

Eternity

Registered User
Jul 17, 2013
226
London
Hello Debill,

Reading your post made me sad and frustrated. It isn't fair that carers have to struggle so much to get the right help - or in many cases get any help at all. Sometimes either the system, hitting brick walls with social services. doctors just add to the pressure we face.

The meeting is for your mum, but they will know that you have her best interests at heart.

x
 

Sue J

Registered User
Dec 9, 2009
8,035
Reading your post made me sad and frustrated. It isn't fair that carers have to struggle so much to get the right help - or in many cases get any help at all. Sometimes either the system, hitting brick walls with social services. doctors just add to the pressure we face.

The meeting is for your mum, but they will know that you have her best interests at heart.
Hi Debill,

I totally agree with Eternity, unfortunately in our system we are a firefighting one i.e. we only seem to act after a crisis and not see them before they happen. Had yours and your Mum's needs been properly and fully understood before maybe you wouldn't have reached the point you got to, but it's not your fault.

I hope the best interest's meeting goes well but don't be afraid to say what you think and why. It sounds like it may be the best for now for your Mum and you but voice that you are not ready to see it as a 'long term' thing at the moment, your needs count too. Your view may change with time but allow yourself that time to come to terms with the changes. You've been through a terrible time.

Best wishes
Sue
 

Gknee

Registered User
Jan 29, 2014
30
North of England
With very best hopes and wishes

Debill, I really feel for you. As others have said, this is only the 'fault' of dementia. For the sake of your own health, please let the system, such as it is, take care of your mum's best interests for now. Let us know the outcome for you and your mum?
 

spuddle

Registered User
Mar 13, 2014
118
this post made me sit up and think


I totally agree with Eternity, unfortunately in our system we are a firefighting one i.e. we only seem to act after a crisis and not see them before they happen. Had yours and your Mum's needs been properly and fully understood before maybe you wouldn't have reached the point you got to, but it's not your fault

yes we are firefighting .. its only after a crisis that I act.. and again come here for answers. thank heavens for this site. a place with other like minded people who are struggling with this nasty desease
 

BR_ANA

Registered User
Jun 27, 2012
1,082
Brazil
I had a career breakdown some years ago. I needed help before but I didn't have it. (Different country so different process). On firsts weeks that mom was on CH, I was able to recover from sleep deprivement. After some months I was fully recovered.

I realised that I and my mom have better life with mom living on a CH.
 

jan.s

Registered User
Sep 20, 2011
7,352
67
Hi, I have just caught up with your post and am so sorry that you hit such a low point that you felt your life wasn't worth living. I am horrified at some of the less sympathetic responses, but dementia takes its toll on everyone, not just the sufferer. I agree totally with Jaymor.

Frequently people reach breaking point, and then it can be in the best interest of the sufferer to go into full time care. As it was explained to me, my husband would receive the quality of care that I could no longer give him, because there are specially trained staff to cope with the issues.

From my point of view, yes, I still feel guilt, because I would love to have him at home and be able to look after him, but I have accepted that that was not the way it would be and have tried to change my viewpoint. I visit him frequently (most days) and enjoy different relationship with him. I enjoy helping him with his food and drinks, taking him for a walk and other simple things that he enjoys. Best of all the time I spend with him is quality time.

Best of all, he is happy and content where he is, so what more could I ask.

In answer to your question, I don't apportion blame to you for not coping well with the situation. Listen to the professionals, ask questions and add your own comments; they, like you want what is best for Mum.

Please let us know the outcome. Thinking of you.

Jan xx