1. Expert Q&A: Benefits - Weds 23 October, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of benefits. It will be hosted by Lauren from our Knowledge Services team. She'll be answering your questions on Wednesday 23 October between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

  1. BabyOleg

    BabyOleg Registered User

    Jul 6, 2015
    12
    Good morning, some of you might remember that I'm looking after a friend that suffers from dementia. Things have been pretty bad lately, due to a combination of her condition & my own health.
    My problem is that it is her son's birthday shortly ( not been once to see her this year & very rarely phones her) and she wants to travel about a 100 miles on a bus, by herself, to surprise him!!! This is were the problem lies, I can't let her go on her own, due to getting lost. I've tried to get in touch with him but he never answers my emails. I can't take her myself due to mobility problems. I understand that she wants to see him, but the thought of it causes me untold anxiety & stress. Last year I had to phone the Police as she got lost & I really don't want to repeat this. I've POA , this was done on the advice of her dementia link worker a few years ago. To me she's not in fit to travel anywhere on her own but she would tell you that nothing is wrong with her. GP is useless. She already had a go at me this morning, accusing me of being controlling. I can assure you I'm not.

    Any advice would be very much appreciated.
     
  2. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,672
    Female
    Do you think she will genuinely attempt the journey, when it comes to it?

    Is there anyonelse who could go with her?

    Does she have a smart phone which you could use to track where she is, for when she (inevitably) gets lost?

    I don't know what you've said to the son, but could you email and ask him to simply email back and tell you that he is going away so won't be there - so you have written 'proof' there is no point her making the trip, which you can show her every time she mentions it. If you ask him to 'do' something specific he may make the effort to reply.
     
  3. BabyOleg

    BabyOleg Registered User

    Jul 6, 2015
    12
    Yes I think she would go Sirena & no there's no one who could go with her. She's got a phone but its an older one, for simplicity but she won't answer it when she doesn't want to. I could email him again & try to get him to do this. Such a sad situation all round.
     
  4. Lawson58

    Lawson58 Registered User

    Does the son have a phone? If he isn't bothering to answer your emails, I would try ringing him. At least you could say what you need to though from what you are saying, I don't think it will help much.

    Perhaps you might have to be a bit constructive with the truth and make up a story about how her son is going away for a holiday for his birthday and won't be home.
     
  5. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,672
    Female
    If she had the right type of phone, you could use 'find my phone' to track her, so she wouldn't have to do anything other than keep it with her. But sounds like that isn't an option.

    I agree, it's a very sad situation, but you can only do your best.
     
  6. BabyOleg

    BabyOleg Registered User

    Jul 6, 2015
    12
     
  7. BabyOleg

    BabyOleg Registered User

    Jul 6, 2015
    12
    I've been trying calling him a few times lately, goes onto voicemail Lawson 58. I've send another email to him. I find it so very sad that her son is treating her that way.

    Need to look into an up to date phone with all the mod cons Sirena...it sounds like a good idea.
     
  8. pevensey

    pevensey Registered User

    Feb 14, 2012
    193
    Female
    South East Coast.
    A hundred miles sounds a very long way for PWD to travel on their own, not very safe at all. The suggestion of the pretence of him going away with friends sounds the best solution.
    I'm not sure of this is the wrong thing to do but could you send yourself an e_mail saying that !!!
    and then shown your friend, then let her son know what you've done because you were worried about her travelling all that way on her own.
     
  9. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,861
    Female
    Scotland
    It is very possible she will set off but lose the thread of where she is going and how to get there quite soon. At the height of his wandering my husband would have ambitious plans but lacked the reasoning to carry them out. This meant he was picked up by the police or strangers or kindly neighbours on many occasions.

    You could also divert by saying you are arranging for her to go when he is off work in January in the hope by that time she’ll have another obsession. It was only when my husband started taking Trazodone that he calmed down enough to stop that type of wandering.
     
  10. BabyOleg

    BabyOleg Registered User

    Jul 6, 2015
    12
    Update: I got in touch with her son, explaining to him what she was planing. He did reply to me, saying that he was really busy at work & didn't have the time to meet her. She seems to accept this,for now. But I know her & it will come up very soon again. I understand that she misses him, he is her only child. I have spoken to him about coming to visit for a few days, as he has done in the past but he hasn't been once this year!

    Thanks to everyone for replying, its good to know that this forum exists.
     

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