1. barbara h

    barbara h Registered User

    Feb 15, 2008
    county durham
    #1 barbara h, Jun 17, 2008
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2008
    Hi everyone

    Been to visit mam today and found her in a very distressed state
    she was crying most of the time and we could not understand any of her ramblings. I tried to comfort her the best i can but she was getting frustrated banging her hand on the table, her legs and even hitting herself on the head. She has been quite agressive lately which seems to be continuing. I managed to hold it together but was close to tears a few times. I can't stop thinking about how terrible it must be for her to be so upset and not be able to communicate to anyone why. She is in the end stage of her vascular dementia.

    I mentioned about speaking to the doctor about some medication for her but it's a choice of having her like this or giving her something which would basically knock her asleep for a few days.(The medications the doctor has tried her on in the past she had a bad reaction to and they decided they wouldn't try anymore as she seems sensitive to the kind of drugs) She has just started eating and drinking again after a bad spell when she didn't do either for a while.

    Does anyone have any experience of this? Maybe she will just get over this spell of depression who knows !!!

    Barbara h
  2. jude1950

    jude1950 Registered User

    Mar 23, 2006
    Hi Barbara.
    So sorry you had an upsetting visit with your Mum. My husband has not had a diagnosis of vascular dementia but the specialist thinks there is a possibility of mixed dementia that is Alzheimer's and vascular. His behaviour seems to be the same as your Mum in many ways. I cannot offer any advice on what to do about the crying and distresss your Mum is in, I can only sympathise and tell you you are not alone and offer you a cyber "" HUG ""

  3. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Sorry Barbara, nothing constructive to say.....just wanted to send a hug....must have been so upsetting for you seeing mum in such a state yesterday. Did you manage to speak to any of the staff...did they say how long mum had been upset for?
    Hope that you find her better next time you visit.
    Love Helen
  4. Mameeskye

    Mameeskye Registered User

    Aug 9, 2007
    Hi Barbara


    It is horrible isn't it to see your Mum so distressed.

    My Mum generally only became agitated in the late afternoon, sometime between 3.30 and 4. This continued almost until her death. My brother, who did not visit frequently, made the mistake of visiting at this time and also got very distressed.

    First of all check with the home staff and see if this is happening all the time or just in a set time for the day. If it upsets you do not visit at this time. If the staff think that your visit helps your Mum at these times try and make some visits then, but only if you can cope. Sometimes knowing that it is just for a couple of hours a day that this happens makes it easier to deal with.

    The staff in Mum's home were very aware that medication could do more harm than good and becuase no one in dementia can be sure of how the brain is working it can be difficult to get medication right. I know Mum was on a sedative for a while and it used to knock her out so the staff agreed with the GP to only use it if Mum became very aggressive and a risk to herself and others. However even then they only tended to give her one tablet every three days, as they found on day 1 she slept, day 2 was great and day3 they could see flashes of temper. By the next day she used to need a little help again!

    It is difficult and it is just a method of finding a coping strategy which you can live with. It may be not to visit for a while, it may be distraction, it may be 5 minutes occasionally. Do what you need to do to help yourself first, that way you can be of help to your Mum.


  5. helen.tomlinson

    helen.tomlinson Registered User

    Mar 27, 2008
    Oh Barbara

    I am so sorry you had such an upsetting visit. It must have been so distressing to see you mum like this and I can identify with your attempts to understand what must have been going on for her. I do that all the time and have to keep telling myself that with dementia 'reason' is malfunctioning! Your mum probably isn't having such clear thoughts as you might think and if she were I bet she wouldn't want you to understand what it's like to have a dementia! It is horrible but I hope you can let it go and follow the advice others have given about asking the staff how long this goes on for and whether it helps you, or your mum, to witness it.

    Love to you

  6. barbara h

    barbara h Registered User

    Feb 15, 2008
    county durham
    Thanks for your replies. There is no pattern to mam getting upset she was little bit like this on saturday but then she calmed down but yesterday was much worse. The staff said she had been like that most of the day. We visited about 3.00 p.m. My sister has been to see her today and she was much quieter. It's true that you try to understand what is going on but it's hopeless really isn't it.

    Thanks again
    Barbara h

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