1. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Everyone

    I haven’t posted for ages, lack of time, and too flipping tired when I do have some time.

    Hubby and I went out for a very late lunch yesterday, which was a welcomed change. Whilst waiting for our meal, a middle aged lady came in with her mum. The ‘mum’, beaming smile said ‘my daughter has brought me out for lunch’, clearly ticked pink. They sat down and ordered a pot of tea whilst perusing the menu. The mum was chatting away quite happily. Her daughter on the other hand totally ignored her; it was obvious she didn’t want to be there. Now I totally appreciate that my following thoughts were probably completely unreasonable, who knows what’s happening in their lives.

    But I really wanted to say to the daughter, you have no idea how lucky you are to be able to bring your mum out for lunch, have her sitting there looking as pretty as a picture and having a ‘normal’ conversation. I was getting more and more distressed as the minutes went by, then I totally disgraced myself by bursting into tears. I was completely jealous of the woman having her mum out with her.

    You see mum isn’t good at all. She has had a series of bad falls, the last one she needed to go to hospital to have stitches in her face, which in itself was a major trauma.

    Since then she has had a massive down turn. She cannot walk or stand. She eats and drinks next to nothing. She doesn’t even ask for her cuppa anymore. Her conversation is non existent, and over the last 48 hours she has become doubly incontinent. Basically she sleeps all the time. I do wake her when I go to see her, but she can only keep her eyes open for no more than a couple of minutes, then back to sleep. But as a good friend said to me, at least whilst she is asleep, she is out of this dreadful disease, which is something I hadn’t thought of.

    All I can do now is lie on the bed next to her and give her a cuddle. I’m not even sure she knows I’m there anymore. The nurses at the NH continue to be wonderful to both mum and me. They are so caring and nothing is too much trouble. So I spend my days at work, then dashing to be with mum as much as possible.

    After all this time I should have been better prepared for this, but I’m not. I feel cheated out of the coming summer; we used to enjoy our trips, me pushing mum in her wheelchair around the local lake, OK the conversation was non existent, but that didn’t matter. I thought I had done with the tears, come to terms with all of this, seeing my poor mum like this, but it just slapped me in the face all over again. I want my feisty mum back, I want the summer I had planned for us, and I want the 90th birthday party I had planned for her next month. Life just isn’t fair is it.

    Thanks for listening.
    Love to all
    Cate xxx
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Oh Cate,

    I`m so sorry your mother has had such a down turn.

    I don`t think we can ever be prepared for the inevitable. We see it for others but not for ourselves. It`s too painful.

    I do know how you feel.

    You envied the woman in the cafe her mother, I would envy you in the cafe with your husband.

    I hope she isn`t in pain, I`m glad for both of you that she is in such a good home, and can only hope you have the strength to bear the burden of her deterioration.

    Take care

    Love xx
  3. maria29al

    maria29al Registered User

    Mar 15, 2006

    I am so sorry to read your post.

    It must be so upsetting for you. Remember it is ok to cry..whenever and wherever.....You are one very strong lady.

    Make sure you look after yourself...as well as your Mum. Whatever, she will know you are there, next to her, cuddling her and talking to her. She loves you.

    Take care and we will speak soon.

    Much love and hugs

    Maz Vav!!
  4. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    Jealousy is just another beast to battle isn't it? Could give the old guilt monster a run for its money at times ...... IMHO enviousness of the immaterial -yet most important things in life - comes with the territory of loss at times ...... it's not so much we 'covet' what other people may or may not have ... it's more having to recognise and facing up to what we don't have ..........

    Cate, per-lease - try to turn this round ... instead of being upset at what others might have now - think of all you and mum have and have had - the things you've done - the amazing things you have done for her - are still doing for her ...... that that poor soul who couldn't be bothered with her mother will never have the satisfcation of knowing such feelings ....... SHE is the one should be upset and jealous .... but she hasn't got the grace that you have to realise it.

    Now, skrike your eyes out, stamp your feet - whatever you need to do ........ there will be other things and other ways to celebrate TWO very special ladies and all that is and has been good in your lives .... clue is: one of them is your mum! Now, wonder who the other one could be? ;):)

    You cope amazingly Cate - one public bout of tears does not make you a disgrace - in fact sometimes, it helps to know you're as human as the rest of us!!!!!!

    Much love, Kaz, x
  5. Tina

    Tina Registered User

    May 19, 2006
    No, Cate, it isn't fair and I can understand you envying the lady in the restaurant.

    I used to get htat all the time when I saw other grandparents out and about, other people who were my aunt's and uncle's age, and at times I used to get so angry. I don't get angry any more, just sad now, but I know where you're coming from.

    And, however much you think you are prepared for whatever situation, because you know what to expect, you have an idea what will happen, you've seen other people with AD - when it happens to your loved one, all preparation goes out of the window. It's just upsetting, it's heartbreaking, and it's so difficult to see. Some days you will get slapped in the face harder, other days it will be a little "easier" (for want of a better word) as in you might be in a slightly different state of mind, not so tired, not quite so emotional at that particular time...but it doesn't stop hurting.

    Yes, you want the 90th birthday party and you want the days out in the park in the summer...hang on in there, Cate, you might get them. And, if for some reason you won't, at least you will know you had lovely days in the past with mum. I know that's not the real thing, and I know it hurts. You've done and continue to do so much for her, Cate, and I'm sure she knows you are not a nurse or staff member even though she might not know who exactly you are. And she knows you#re there. She will be comforted by the hugs and cuddles and the love that surrounds her.

    Take care, thinking of you.
    Love, Tina xx
  6. angela.robinson

    angela.robinson Registered User

    Dec 27, 2004
    Hi Cate,
    sorry to hear your lovely fiesty mum has once again deteriorated, it must be heart breaking to see her with cuts and bruises ,even though she has the best care you can possibly provide her with,you have had so many ups and downs to contend with .I know over the last few months you have tried to prepare yourself for the worst only to see mum rally round yet again.Who knows it may happen once again ,and if thats not to be ,then i am sure her 90th birthday will still be celebrated in your own special way.
    Take care sista,
  7. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Hiya Cate,
    Mothers Day last year I spent the afternoon asleep next to my mother on her bed......four months later she died. This Mothers Day I remembered with thankfulness that afternoon....your mum may not know you in her mind, but in her heart she will feel your love and feel safe. Some things we cannot change, we just have to find the greatest good in the situation....hold your mum Cate, keep her safe, and cherish the opportunity you have to be close.
    I know how much it hurts, I know the jealousy...those feelings are ok.
    Take care. Thinking of you.
    Love Helen
  8. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    Newport, Gwent
    Thank you all for your wise words, and messages of comfort, they really do help.

    Cate xxx
  9. TinaT

    TinaT Registered User

    Sep 27, 2006
    I too have my jealousies when I see couples of my age together. One thing TP has taught me is to value my mum whilst I have her. She's infuriating, stubborn, lives life on a whim but oh boy, after reading posts on TP, I value every minute I have with her. Thank you TP people for making me realise this.

  10. DeborahBlythe

    DeborahBlythe Registered User

    Dec 1, 2006
    Duvet days

    Cate, I'm really sorry to hear about your mum. It's more to fret about, isn't it, and all the worry in the world won't make things better. Doi you think your mum might have a UTI, making her drowsy and 'out of it'? Regular fluids and perhaps a liquid antibiotic might help?

    Try not to worry too much about the sleepiness and the double incontinence. My mum has been doubly incontinent and prone to sleepiness for months, but she does still have good moments and eats enough to keep her going after months of very poor appetite. Some days she just switches off and more than once I have feared the very worst only for her to make a reasonable return to her livelier self the next day. They are just 'duvet' days for dementia, I reckon. I do hope she picks up again very soon.

    I feel tears welling when I see agile ninety year old ladies cracking jokes at the hairdressers. I admire these ladies but I feel sorry for myself and for my lovely mum who should have been on her feet too, beautiful and feisty and intelligent as she used to be. So unfair.

    Take care of yourself, dear Cate. You deserve to feel good about yourself.
    Love Deborah
  11. Kate P

    Kate P Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    Cate, I'm so sorry to hear about your mum.

    I understand your feelings about the incident at lunch. I sometimes experience similar feelings myself.

    Mostly, when I see proud grandmas showing off their grandchildren or garndparents with their gardnchildren in the park. My daughter doesn't feel it - she's too young and she's never know her grandma any other way, so as mum ignores her she ignores mum.

    I also wish I could talk to her about the journey of being a parent, to have the reassurnace of whether I'm doing a good job, whether mum had the same struggles as I'm having...

    I don't think my mum will acknowledge or even try to hold my new one when it's born and I'm sure that will make me sad when all the other new mums have their parents there cooing and fussing over the new arrivals.

    I can only thank God that he has sent me wonderful in laws who are doing their best to take over as "parents" to me.

    Unfortunately, I don't know of anyway to combat these feelings but I'm thinking of you all the same and wishing you peace.
  12. zonkjonk

    zonkjonk Registered User

    dear cate, I empathise.
    my mum too, had repeated falls which led to her deteriorisation.
    much like your mum, my mum is now doubly incontinent, unable to walk or speak,and losing weight.but my mum is only 72.
    I have to go to the local shopping centre, 4 days a week for my work (banking, post office, lunches etc)
    and inevitably, every time I see a mum & daughter having lunch or shopping and the daughters are my age or older. sometimes I cope but usually at least once a fortnight or so, i feel the tears well up.
    but before mum got really sick I used to take her shopping every week, to all doctors appointments,chemist for medicines, the bank etc etc.
    now I imagine, that back then, maybe some one saw me with my mum and felt the same way.
  13. AJay

    AJay Registered User

    Aug 21, 2007
    Hi Cate

    I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum and can also sympathise with the envy when you see other people together. One incident I really wish I'd shown public feelings for though was at one daughter who shouted at her very distressed mother in the middle of a busy supermarket - her mother clearly had dementia - and I wish to this day that I'd gone over and tried to help.

    I don't think any of us are prepared for the end of suffering, I certainly wasn't when my Dad passed away recently despite me being warned that he was nearing the end a few months ago. I chose not to listen. I don't think it's any easier if they leave us suddenly or over a long period of time either, it's still a shock.

    I so hope your Mum improves and you can enjoy time with her again. I wanted Dad to be quest of honour at my 50th birthday party in a few months time. I suppose he will be in his own way though. I wanted lots for him but it wasn't to be. Think back on the times you have enjoyed with her and I truly hope that there may be many more for you again soon.

    Many hugs,

  14. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    Toronto, Canada
    Hi Cate,
    I know exactly how you feel. My mother is 71, doubly incontinent, has been wheelchair-bound for a year and half, doesn't speak and is in the last stage. She does, however, have an excellent appetite.:)

    But I miss my mother - I miss talking to her, I miss the opportunity to be a child again and rely on her, I miss teasing her and laughing with her. There is a song by Paul Simon which completely sums up how I felt about my mother, "Loves Me Like A Rock". She always made me feel secure, protected and, above all, loved. Things are different now.

    So when someone complains about their mother to me, I try to point out as gently as I can how lucky they are to have a mother who is still healthy.
  15. Mameeskye

    Mameeskye Registered User

    Aug 9, 2007
    Hi Cate


    I know how you feel. In grief I have turned to my husband at times and berated him for not spending time with his parents.

    I think that Kaz hit the nail on the head with this.

    But your Mum knows that you love her and that you care and that you take the time to be with her, never doubt it, even if she gives no sign.


  16. andrear

    andrear Registered User

    Feb 13, 2008
    Hi Cate

    I can emphasise with you. I wish with all my heart that I could have my dad back to how he used to be, I would give anything just for him to be my dad even for one more day.

    24 years ago we lost my father in law, not to dementia but to cancer. Jon and I had only been married a short time, we had just got our youngest son when dad in law fell ill. 9 months later he passed away. I helped out as much as I could, his wife used to be a nursing sister and there was no way that he would take any medication from her. So, for various reasons it was down to me. And, I nursed him as best I could under the circumstances, and indeed slept at the bottom of the bed each night until the day before he died. I spoke to him all the time just short anedotes, the weather, whatever came to mind.

    I came home to have a break and to be with my two sons for a short time. He passed away before Jon and I could get to him. But I am convinced today and I was then that he knew the situation and where we were.

    I felt robbed of a wonderful father in law, but even today I have my memories, and they are not the bad ones, oh no, they are the good ones where he was laughing, making toys for the children, playing with them. In my cupboard I still have his silly hat that he used to walk round the garden in and go everywhere with (much to the disgust of his wife!!) and eveything I see it it brings a smile to my face.

    Take care of yourself and let peace move over both you and your lovely mum. And don't be ashamed of feeling jealous, you know that what you and your mum have is all you will ever need.
    My thoughts go to you
  17. Alison K

    Alison K Registered User

    Mar 29, 2008

    Although my dad isnt too bad yet, I still mourn the dad I had as a little girl. The slightly forgetful man I have now is not the Dad I adored then. Your feelings are normal, this woman is missing out on a loving relationship and I see it all the time in my job. Being tearful is good as it gets the emotion out, far worse to let it fester. You are a normal loving person and dont beat yourself up about crying in public. Love Alison K:eek:
  18. Short girl

    Short girl Registered User

    Mar 22, 2008
    Sorry to hear of mum's deterioration, but I am sure that you can only do what you can. I understand where you are coming from in respect of your envy at the lady in the restaurant. In a small way, I envy you - your mum has lived a full live or indeed i hope until her deterioration. I lost my mother to cancer, she was 58 years of age - I just wanted to scream that it was so unfair - 18 months later my mother-in-law died of a heart attack aged 54 - I wanted to scream louder - my son was 5 years old and had NO NANNIES. I try to be thankful for the time I had and get comfort from that, but I do miss that female support in the family - no one to ask what the menopause is like and about HRT, epecially as I am getting near to that age! No one to ask about child rearing and what was I like at that age, etc The only positive thing to come out of it all was it strenghtened my marriage, probably because we now had something really major in common and pulled together through it all.
    In sum, I say, try to look at all the positives through the negatives - but your mum is your mum, it's hard to deal with whatever her age.
    Take care
  19. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Everyone,

    Thanks again for all your messages. You are all so right, I should try to focus on the good times we have shared, and there have been many.

    Mum is the same, no improvement at all, but I do have hope, she has improved physically before.

    I count my blessings every day that when I am not with her, the nurses are fantastic, nothing at all is too much trouble, and I dont mean just physical care, they give her cuddles and talk to her too, they treat her as one of the family, who could ask for more.
    Cate xxx
  20. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    Am so sorry to read what stage your mother drop into can only imagine what it must feel like to see your mother in this stage, your surely right ‘’ it’s not far ‘’ what sorrow sadness life give us, but I hope in the future those joyful times, memories you had with your mother will drive away those dark clouds your feeling now seeing your mother like this ((((HUGS ))))) xx

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