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Upset about carehome decision

Skyblue C

Registered User
Jul 25, 2020
30
Can anyone help me ?, I live and care for my 82 year old mum who has Alzheimer's, I've been shielding with her for the past 18 weeks.

My 2 elder brothers who pre covid would visit mum for 2 hours a week are now saying it's time to put mum into residential.

Pre lockdown she was attending a day centre Monday to Saturday, which which she enjoys attending and loves the staff.

What can i do to stop being railroaded into this ?, or do I have to agree with them even though I do all the caring, arranging appointments, dealing with social workers etc.

Please help, i'm in a quandary , many thanks.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,722
Hi @Matty C and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. Why do your brothers think that and why do you disagree? Can the three of you have a meeting without your mum being present and sort it out amicably or has it gone beyond that. If you are happy looking after her then your views should carry weight, specially if the day centre will be opening soon. On the other hand maybe your brothers are seeing things that you're not as you are in the think of it.

Maybe it would be a good idea to talk it though with someone on the helpline.
Dementia Connect support line: 0333 150 3456 and dementia.connect@alzheimers.org.uk
I think they are closed for today, but should be open at 10am tomorrow.

I'm sure other people will be along soon with more ideas. This is a wonderfully suportive place, so do keep posting.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,605
Essex
Dear Matty,

Welcome to the forum. I was at the opposite spectrum to you in that I was caring for my dad until I could do no more. My brothers could have done more to help and they didn't agree with putting dad into the home. It could be that your brothers are concerned about any stress that this is having on you but that said if you feel that you could still do more then you don't have to put your mum in a home. Do you have POA because this would give you a choice not your brothers? Also have you spoken to the social workers about this and what do they say?

MaNaAk
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,605
Essex
That's another thing if your mum enjoys the day centre she should keep going and maybe she could go to other things as well. One of dad's old flames at the care home kept going to her day centre eventhough she was at the home.

MaNaAk
 

Skyblue C

Registered User
Jul 25, 2020
30
Thanks MaNaAk,

No my middle brother took it in on himself to be POA as he is more organised, being a project manager in his job.
I still enjoy looking after mum and not overwhelmed atm.

Kind regards, Matty
 

Skyblue C

Registered User
Jul 25, 2020
30
Hi @Matty C and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. Why do your brothers think that and why do you disagree? Can the three of you have a meeting without your mum being present and sort it out amicably or has it gone beyond that. If you are happy looking after her then your views should carry weight, specially if the day centre will be opening soon. On the other hand maybe your brothers are seeing things that you're not as you are in the think of it.

Maybe it would be a good idea to talk it though with someone on the helpline.
Dementia Connect support line: 0333 150 3456 and dementia.connect@alzheimers.org.uk
I think they are closed for today, but should be open at 10am tomorrow.

I'm sure other people will be along soon with more ideas. This is a wonderfully suportive place, so do keep posting.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,434
South coast
Just putting someone into a care home is not that simple, @Matty C
Usually the person in question has to agree to it, or it has to be shown that they are not safe at home.

Does your mum own her own home? If your mum does not own her own home or have savings over £25,000, then she will be dependant on SS agreeing that she requires a care home - and that is often easier said than done. If she does own her own home, do your brothers realise that if your mum moved into a care home then they would have to sell the home to pay for the fees? Normally, people try and avoid this situation - especially if they are not the ones doing the caring!

As @Sarasa said - do you know why your brothers are pushing for this?
 

Skyblue C

Registered User
Jul 25, 2020
30
Just putting someone into a care home is not that simple, @Matty C
Usually the person in question has to agree to it, or it has to be shown that they are not safe at home.

Does your mum own her own home? If your mum does not own her own home or have savings over £25,000, then she will be dependant on SS agreeing that she requires a care home - and that is often easier said than done. If she does own her own home, do your brothers realise that if your mum moved into a care home then they would have to sell the home to pay for the fees? Normally, people try and avoid this situation - especially if they are not the ones doing the caring!

As @Sarasa said - do you know why your brothers are pushing for this?
Thanks Canary, It is mum's house.
The social worker has put an application for continuing healthcare.

I have lived with mum all my life and for 22 years just the 2 of us and cared for her for 6 years now, i'm very emotionally attached, I guess apart of me doesn't want to let go.

But I see her quality of life more than they do, she still has a lot of personality and still makes me laugh daily.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,434
South coast
The social worker has put an application for continuing healthcare.
CHC? wow, that is very hard to get and indicates a very high level of care required - it usually means that a qualified nurse is needed on site 24/7. SWs do not put in an application for this lightly.
 

Marie 67

Registered User
Jul 25, 2020
38
Can anyone help me ?, I live and care for my 82 year old mum who has Alzheimer's, I've been shielding with her for the past 18 weeks.

My 2 elder brothers who pre covid would visit mum for 2 hours a week are now saying it's time to put mum into residential.

Pre lockdown she was attending a day centre Monday to Saturday, which which she enjoys attending and loves the staff.

What can i do to stop being railroaded into this ?, or do I have to agree with them even though I do all the caring, arranging appointments, dealing with social workers etc.

Please help, i'm in a quandary , many thanks.
If you’re mums happy at home no one can force her by law and has you there can’t be forced has human rights as dementia classed as a disability
 

Marie 67

Registered User
Jul 25, 2020
38
Dear Matty,

Welcome to the forum. I was at the opposite spectrum to you in that I was caring for my dad until I could do no more. My brothers could have done more to help and they didn't agree with putting dad into the home. It could be that your brothers are concerned about any stress that this is having on you but that said if you feel that you could still do more then you don't have to put your mum in a home. Do you have POA because this would give you a choice not your brothers? Also have you spoken to the social workers about this and what do they say?

MaNaAk
You don’t need the power of attorney fight it if you’re on benefits you can get legal aid I have under community care
 

Skyblue C

Registered User
Jul 25, 2020
30
CHC? wow, that is very hard to get and indicates a very high level of care required - it usually means that a qualified nurse is needed on site 24/7. SWs do not put in an application for this lightly.
Hi Canary,

It was us that suggested it, Kind regards
 
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Marie 67

Registered User
Jul 25, 2020
38
You’re welcome I’m fighting friends children who stopped my contact so I got a lawyer involved .good advice from silver line . Know a lot I can get her home I’m only friend you’re the carer not them you have rights I’ve educated myself no one can force her law on you’re mums side if happy at home . You’ve got a good case seek legal advice I did
 

Marie 67

Registered User
Jul 25, 2020
38
Any more advice if needed I’m here my friends children put her in one she’s very unhappy there family’s can be selfish I cared for her free 16 hours a day her children wasn’t didn’t want do it . if you go legal like me good luck you’ve got a strong case fight it like me