• Expert Q&A: Rare dementias - Tues 3 March, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of rare dementias. It will be hosted by Nikki and Seb from Rare Dementia Support. If you have any questions about rare dementias, they will be here to answer them on Tuesday 3 March between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

Ups and downs

paris07

Registered User
Jul 11, 2007
74
australia
Hi All,

Hubby and I had a lovely weekend at the kids place and Mum seemed to be quite happy with the carers also.

We bought our Granddaughter back with us for a few days but that turned into 1 day as it seemed to upset Mum and she got very angry and verbally abused us and I was really worried as baby started getting upset also.( she is 18months and starting to notice ).

It seems now that we are not going to be able to have her here as there is never a time when Mum goes out without me. This does not seem fair on us,

Mum has picked up a lot since her last fall( physically) but she still gets confused and demanding and shadowing I don,t know what to do I (we) seem to pay so much attention to Mum and trying to keep her happy that there is little time left for us (hubby and me).

Here I go again I read this thread back and think to myself, ask for more respite I seem to know that is the answer but I wish there was another way as I know Mum does not like that .

thank you for hearing me out once again
regards Paris07
 

Nell

Registered User
Aug 9, 2005
1,170
68
Australia
Dear Paris,
Caring for a loved one with dementia is an incredibly difficult balancing act, IMHO. No wonder you feel as if there is little time left for us (hubby and me).

What a shame about your little grandaughter's visit too. No doubt you were looking forward to having her with you.

The respite question is one only you can resolve, but I think you may need to be firm about putting it in place, even though your Mum is not keen. I know how hard it is to go against their wishes, but there are others to consider here - yourself, your hubby, your grandchild, your own children.

If your Mum did not have dementia, I am sure she would not want you to miss out on those things because of her. When you need to make decisions that apparently go against her will, remind yourself that your "real" Mum would want it that way, even though your Mum with an illness does not like it. Maybe that will make the hard decisions a wee bit easier.

Sending you caring wishes.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,406
Kent
Dear Paris,

Isn`t it difficult when those with dementia become peers to our grandchildren. I don`t see half as much of our grandchildren as I would like because if I give them attention, Dhiren either switches off or gives me `looks`.

In their house, he nudges me to go home. In our house he sits in isolation in the bedroom.

Luckily, I have well grounded grandchildren who are that bit older and so our relationship has been formed. Your granddaughter is very young and you need some special times with her. Respite might be the only answer.

Love xx
 

Cate

Registered User
Jul 2, 2006
1,370
Newport, Gwent
Hi Paris

I am so sorry you are now being robbed not only of your mum, but now of your grandchildren. In the 'normal' scheme of things, pre illness, I am sure mum would have taken great pleasure from seeing the children.

Take heart, things do change, my bro had to stop taking his grandchildren to see their great gran because mum's behaviour was just so bad, but this disease is like shifting sand, things do change, your mums behaviour will no doubt change, as mine has. Now she loves it when the children visit her, (now 6 and 2) I dont think she really knows who they are, but there is pleasure on both sides.

Maybe you should try to look on respite from another angle, not that you are putting mum for a short time where she doesnt want to be, more if you get a break to enjoy being 'you', and enjoy your own family for a while without the responsibility, you will able to carry on a lot longer looking after mum. You have needs too.

Love

Cate