Update, update - where to start...?

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Kate P, Feb 6, 2008.

  1. Kate P

    Kate P Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    565
    Merseyside
    It's hard to know where to start.

    Mum is continuing to go downhill very quickly - it is very rare now that she attempts to communicate with anyone other than dad and spends most of her time in her own little world. She is becoming more confused all the time and her balance seems to start being affected. She can no longer read - I'm not sure about writing. It's such an aggressive dementia that she has - sometimes I think that's a good thing as it's not drawn out for her but it gives us no time to adjust to new behaviour before it changes again.

    Mum seems very cross about my pregnancy - everytime she sees me she points to my stomach and glares at me and hisses - I hate to think what she'll be like when the baby is born!

    Dad, after refusing any help from SS (gnashing of teeth from me!) has changed his mind again and says he needs help again. Unfortunately (or fortunately for my thinking) the CPN we were dealing with has gone off sick and they don't think she'll be coming back. Unbeknown to me, the new CPN had rung dad to tell him he was taking over the case and dad told him he didn't want to deal with him he wanted to deal with the old CPN??!!

    I have persuaded him he had no choice in this and let's face it, the new one can't be any worse than the last one. I've told him to ring dad and he said he will and will go and see him this week but I'm afraid I'm cutting off my involvement at that point for now - as my sister said he's the little boy who cries "carer!". He says he wants them until it actually comes down to it and then changes his mind. My concern is that each time he does this they'll be less and less interested...? I'm certain that my demands that he needs help and can't cope anymore will be taken with a pinch of salt by this stage which is why I'm reluctant to overly involve myself at this point.

    Once again it doesn't surprise me that this request for carers has come as my sister and I have backed off after the last debacle with dad and SS.

    It sounds very harsh and I feel guilty for backing off but he just won't help himself as long as we continue to do everything for him.

    The palaver with mum's overpaid salary is still ongoing. I was so angry today that they have sent her a letter again!! What have I got to do to make them understand? I've kicked off to high heaven this morning (which isn't good for my blood pressure!!) and have found someone prepared to take responsibility for the case and see it through. I have now sent written compaints to pretty much everyone. The worse thing about all this is that I work for the same place so it's not like I don't understand how these things work. I'm just astonished at the levels of incompetence.

    Anyway that's about it.
     
  2. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    3,388
    Buckinghamshire
    Dear Kate,
    Where do you start ?
    By looking after you and the precious baby you are carrying.
    You have tried so hard to help and when it is a case yes then no after all that you have been doing, you do not deserve all that stress.
    This is in my own personel opinion but here on Talking Point, we know what you have been through and you are carrying a little MIRICAL.
    There is a time when enough is enough.
    It is so difficult to get the help and when the help comes into the equation and then it is refused, what else do your Parents expect you to do.
    Sorry if I am being too blunt but I am more concerned with you and the baby. (I did not keep saying my prayers for nothing)
    Take care of yourself and God Bless.
    Love from
    Christine
     
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,661
    Kent
    Dear Kate,
    I totally agree with Christine. You have done all you can, now you must take care of yourself and let your father get on as best as he can.

    When he needs help he will ask for it, but he shouldn`t ask you or your sister, he should contact SS and ask for himself. If you do have high blood pressure, it must be watched.

    I`m really sorry about your mother`s attitude to your pregnancy. We all know it`s the illness, but it must hurt you, even so. It`s so sad, as before dementia, she would have been as delighted as you are, perhaps even more so.

    Thanks for the update and take care of yourself.

    Love xx
     
  4. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Dear Kate,

    Couldn't agree more with Christine and Sylvia. YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING.

    Your dad needs to take responsibility himself, and you have to take care of yourself and you baby.

    You're right, if your dad keeps on messing the SW about, they'll just close the case. He needs to realise that he needs them, before it's too late.

    Take care of yourself, and let us know how it goes.

    Love,
     
  5. Kate P

    Kate P Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    565
    Merseyside
    Thaks for the support - I promise I'm being very good and other than my rant this morning I'm being very careful to avoid stress - although it's easier said than done isn't it??

    I promise I would never squander your prayers Christine!

    I just wish I had any clue what dad is thinking and why he keeps changing his mind - he doesn't really open up to us properly, I think he still sees us as his "children" in that respect - but I don't understand is thinking at all.

    If I offered to look after mum for him everyday he'd take me up on it but he won't get in people who know what they're doing and who can be calm because they're not emotionally attached to her.

    I have a friend who is a very talented care worker and she is going to university full time come September and is looking for part time work. She has suggested she helps to look after mum (on a paid arrangement of course) and dad seems very happy about that idea. Why is that okay but not another carer? It's not like mum will have any idea who my friend is so will be more comfortable with her.

    I guess I'm just a little confused with him - I did suspect that SS may close his case if he keeps changing his mind and I don't want that to happen because I think he may need them eventually.

    It is sad that mum reacts so badly to the baby but I'm more sad for her really - she always loved babies and I'm sure would have been such a doting grandmother - a bit too much I'd bet!! I think it's sad for our girls (and whatever the new one is) that they'll never know their real granny - they completely accept her as she is because they don't know any different but I'd have loved them to know the person she really was.

    I must admit though I did have to laugh when the vicar (who luckily is so great with mum) congratulated her that she would be a granny again she hissed and spat like an angry cat!! You have to laugh or you'd cry I think.
     
  6. Lotti

    Lotti Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    52
    I have the same sort of problem with my father, it seems he has the final decision but it is me who has to sort things out, as far as hissing at your pregnancy - my mum just looks at me in disgust, although there is no baby, just a bloated stomach !! :eek:

    Take care of yourself and the baby.
    Regards
    Lotti
     

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