Update on Mum!

Jane1

Registered User
Mar 3, 2007
54
Leicestershire
For those of you that have listened to me before and carried me through with your lovely comments, an update. As you know my Dad is in care now, at the outset for respite due to to my mums admission to hospital to remove her cancer. we are 5 weeks on now after the op and sadly they could not do the operation they wanted to. Her cancer has gone too far and we are now trying to bring her home for the last few weeks of her life. My dad knows she is' poorly' but we haven't actually labelled it and told him we are going to lose her. We don't honestly know if that's the right thing to do or not.
It's an emotional and physical roller coaster with them both and we soldier on from day to day in a blur
 

Margarita

Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
10,824
london
Oh I am so sorry to read what is happing with your mother .

My dad knows she is' poorly' but we haven't actually labelled it and told him we are going to lose her. We don't honestly know if that's the right thing to do or not.
Gosh must be hard , all I can think is just take one day at a time xx
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
SW Scotland
Hi Jane

I'm so sorry that things are so bad for your mum. It must have been devastating news for you. It's a difficult decision, whether or not to tell your dad, but I think you're doing the right thing. It would only upset him more, and he would want to ome home to be with your mum. You don't need any more to cope with.

It's wonderful of you to wan to bring your mum home. I hope you manage to get a good care package sorted out for her, you're going to need so much help.

Keep in touch, Jane, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Love,
 

Kathleen

Registered User
Mar 12, 2005
639
66
West Sussex
Jane

I am so sorry your Mum is so poorly, life seems so unfair sometimes.

I hope you have her home soon to give each other all the love you can in her last few weeks.

I think you are right not to tell your Dad, there is no point in giving him needless distress.

Look after yourself, take care.

Kathleen
x
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,142
Kent
I`m so sorry Jane.

I hope you will have the strength to cope with what the coming weeks/months bring, and your mother doesn`t suffer too much.

Love xx
 

Jane1

Registered User
Mar 3, 2007
54
Leicestershire
feeling sad and guilty!

I can't bring myself to visit dad today. Last sunday i went and had an awful visit, he was horrible to me and accusing me of leaving him there and not helping him. My being there seemed to make him worse and so i walked away. On Wednesday I took him to see Mum in hospital and that was fairly ok, a few minor words to me! However the carer we pay extra for to go and visit him and take him out went on Thursday(2pm) and he refused to get out of his pj's and said he was ill and had a bad leg! My brother in law went on friday night and had a terrible time, dad was actually trying to climb the fence to get out, swore mum was at home and not hospital and said that i, in particular, was trying to kill him. I know it's his illness talking and i shouldn't get upset but i do, because it hurts.
We are finally bringing mum home tomorrow from her 6 wk stay in hospital! She's been referred to a scheme for patients seen to be in their last 4wks of life and we can see for ourselves the cancer is getting stronger than she is. The scheme allows us the care at home that she needs, as and when. Dad just wants to go home, he's had things in his room packed up for 2 weeks, thinking he's going somewhere but it's not possible and i suppose he just thinks we are stopping him. With everything else i'm finding i simply can't cope with dad and that doesn't make me feel very good. Thank you to you all for your support X
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,142
Kent
I`m so sorry Jane, you have so much to cope with.

From personal experience with my husband, I know how much the accusations from your dad hurt you, however much you try to convince yourself `it`s the illness`. But also, from personal experience, I can tell you there`s no reasoning with him, when he`s in that state, and whatever you try to do or say to make things better, won`t be enough.

Your priority has to be your mum. She hasn`t long left, and you are going to need all your strength to be with her.

Your dad is safe and cared for.

If the care team who come to support you and your mum, can help in any way to arrange a visit for your dad, once your mum is with you, that might help the situation. But you can only take one step at a time.

Don`t force yourself to visit. You can only take so much. But when you do visit, would it help to tell your dad you are trying to arrange for him to see your mum, but he will have to stop causing so much upset.

Forget you are his daughter. Be very firm with him, I`m sorry to say, as you would with a wayward child.

Sorry if it`s not the right thing to suggest to you. I`m just trying to put myself in your shoes.

Take care

Love xx
 

Jane1

Registered User
Mar 3, 2007
54
Leicestershire
Thank you sylvia, i know you are right! The problem with visits, which we have kept up during her stay in hospital, is that she is actualy going home, as in their house! My sister still hopes to take him back there to visit but i've said no way. i feel it would be too harmful for everyone and we'd never get him back! The only other option is to take mum to him on the days when, and if she's well enough....
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
SW Scotland
Dear Jane, I'm so sorry you are having to cope with all this. It's bad enough knowing your mum has only weeks left, but having to cope with your dad as well is too much.

I think you're right not to visit for a while. It sounds hard, but as you have paid carers who will visit, I really think you should rely on them for a while, and concentrate on making your mum's last weeks as calm and peaceful as possible. Your dad is safe and cared for, and you are going to need all your emotional strength.

As for taking your dad to see your mum, I would say absolutely not. Once he gets into his own home, how are you going to persuade him to return, knowing his wife is at home now? You'd be giving yourself all sorts of problems.

Take care of yourself, and post when you can to let us know how you are getting on.

Love and hugs,
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,142
Kent
Sorry Jane, I got my wires crossed. I thought your mum was going to your home.

You are quite right to think it would be wrong to expect your dad to visit your mum in their own home, and then return to the NH without heartache and stong protest.

If your mum did have a good day or a couple of good hours, the support team may be able to help you take her to see your dad.

You can only do your best, and you are certainly doing that.

Love xx