1. Jane1

    Jane1 Registered User

    Mar 3, 2007
    54
    Leicestershire
    For those of you that have listened to me before and carried me through with your lovely comments, an update. As you know my Dad is in care now, at the outset for respite due to to my mums admission to hospital to remove her cancer. we are 5 weeks on now after the op and sadly they could not do the operation they wanted to. Her cancer has gone too far and we are now trying to bring her home for the last few weeks of her life. My dad knows she is' poorly' but we haven't actually labelled it and told him we are going to lose her. We don't honestly know if that's the right thing to do or not.
    It's an emotional and physical roller coaster with them both and we soldier on from day to day in a blur
     
  2. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    Oh I am so sorry to read what is happing with your mother .

    Gosh must be hard , all I can think is just take one day at a time xx
     
  3. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Jane

    I'm so sorry that things are so bad for your mum. It must have been devastating news for you. It's a difficult decision, whether or not to tell your dad, but I think you're doing the right thing. It would only upset him more, and he would want to ome home to be with your mum. You don't need any more to cope with.

    It's wonderful of you to wan to bring your mum home. I hope you manage to get a good care package sorted out for her, you're going to need so much help.

    Keep in touch, Jane, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

    Love,
     
  4. taylorcat

    taylorcat Registered User

    Jun 18, 2006
    171
    W.Scotland
    Jane, I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through just now. Thinking of you.
     
  5. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    639
    West Sussex
    Jane

    I am so sorry your Mum is so poorly, life seems so unfair sometimes.

    I hope you have her home soon to give each other all the love you can in her last few weeks.

    I think you are right not to tell your Dad, there is no point in giving him needless distress.

    Look after yourself, take care.

    Kathleen
    x
     
  6. jeanierec

    jeanierec Registered User

    May 7, 2007
    121
    north yorkshire
    My heart goes out to you Jane.

    Jeanie x
     
  7. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,642
    Kent
    I`m so sorry Jane.

    I hope you will have the strength to cope with what the coming weeks/months bring, and your mother doesn`t suffer too much.

    Love xx
     
  8. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
    Dear Jane,
    Thinking of you.
    {{{HUGS}}}
     
  9. Jane1

    Jane1 Registered User

    Mar 3, 2007
    54
    Leicestershire
    feeling sad and guilty!

    I can't bring myself to visit dad today. Last sunday i went and had an awful visit, he was horrible to me and accusing me of leaving him there and not helping him. My being there seemed to make him worse and so i walked away. On Wednesday I took him to see Mum in hospital and that was fairly ok, a few minor words to me! However the carer we pay extra for to go and visit him and take him out went on Thursday(2pm) and he refused to get out of his pj's and said he was ill and had a bad leg! My brother in law went on friday night and had a terrible time, dad was actually trying to climb the fence to get out, swore mum was at home and not hospital and said that i, in particular, was trying to kill him. I know it's his illness talking and i shouldn't get upset but i do, because it hurts.
    We are finally bringing mum home tomorrow from her 6 wk stay in hospital! She's been referred to a scheme for patients seen to be in their last 4wks of life and we can see for ourselves the cancer is getting stronger than she is. The scheme allows us the care at home that she needs, as and when. Dad just wants to go home, he's had things in his room packed up for 2 weeks, thinking he's going somewhere but it's not possible and i suppose he just thinks we are stopping him. With everything else i'm finding i simply can't cope with dad and that doesn't make me feel very good. Thank you to you all for your support X
     
  10. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,642
    Kent
    I`m so sorry Jane, you have so much to cope with.

    From personal experience with my husband, I know how much the accusations from your dad hurt you, however much you try to convince yourself `it`s the illness`. But also, from personal experience, I can tell you there`s no reasoning with him, when he`s in that state, and whatever you try to do or say to make things better, won`t be enough.

    Your priority has to be your mum. She hasn`t long left, and you are going to need all your strength to be with her.

    Your dad is safe and cared for.

    If the care team who come to support you and your mum, can help in any way to arrange a visit for your dad, once your mum is with you, that might help the situation. But you can only take one step at a time.

    Don`t force yourself to visit. You can only take so much. But when you do visit, would it help to tell your dad you are trying to arrange for him to see your mum, but he will have to stop causing so much upset.

    Forget you are his daughter. Be very firm with him, I`m sorry to say, as you would with a wayward child.

    Sorry if it`s not the right thing to suggest to you. I`m just trying to put myself in your shoes.

    Take care

    Love xx
     
  11. Jane1

    Jane1 Registered User

    Mar 3, 2007
    54
    Leicestershire
    Thank you sylvia, i know you are right! The problem with visits, which we have kept up during her stay in hospital, is that she is actualy going home, as in their house! My sister still hopes to take him back there to visit but i've said no way. i feel it would be too harmful for everyone and we'd never get him back! The only other option is to take mum to him on the days when, and if she's well enough....
     
  12. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Dear Jane, I'm so sorry you are having to cope with all this. It's bad enough knowing your mum has only weeks left, but having to cope with your dad as well is too much.

    I think you're right not to visit for a while. It sounds hard, but as you have paid carers who will visit, I really think you should rely on them for a while, and concentrate on making your mum's last weeks as calm and peaceful as possible. Your dad is safe and cared for, and you are going to need all your emotional strength.

    As for taking your dad to see your mum, I would say absolutely not. Once he gets into his own home, how are you going to persuade him to return, knowing his wife is at home now? You'd be giving yourself all sorts of problems.

    Take care of yourself, and post when you can to let us know how you are getting on.

    Love and hugs,
     
  13. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,642
    Kent
    Sorry Jane, I got my wires crossed. I thought your mum was going to your home.

    You are quite right to think it would be wrong to expect your dad to visit your mum in their own home, and then return to the NH without heartache and stong protest.

    If your mum did have a good day or a couple of good hours, the support team may be able to help you take her to see your dad.

    You can only do your best, and you are certainly doing that.

    Love xx
     

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