1. carolyn

    carolyn Registered User

    Dec 1, 2006
    9
    kent
    #1 carolyn, Feb 13, 2008
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 13, 2008
    hi everyone

    its been a long time since i shared with you that Dave was found wandering six miles away. Since then he seems to have deteriorated. has become doubly incontinent and also very aggressive if i tried to change him myself. after a month of this i was sotally exhausted and esperately needed respite help. i ws told by the team to find my own privately.found a home but then dave refused adamantly to get in the car to go. he sensed the carer and myself were trying to persuade him to do something he didnt want. Called the emi team who told me he couldnt have an ambulance because it was a privat enursing home!! so round incircles!! meanhile dave was punching and kicking me and his carer. In desperation i decided to get him respite in hospital. I called the home treatment team at 3am and they tried to fob me off. but dave was desperately needing help with his incontinence. so i called the police who were pretty upset when they saw the state he was in. i called the ASW on duty and also his GP. They arrived and looked like they would do anything to avoid dave going into hospital. so i walked out of the house for a while. They had no choice then.

    I slept for the first night all night for the first time in two years. Then in the morning I went into the hospital emi unit and stayed with dave for four days. I watched the nurses and learned their strategies for helping dave to cooperate with being washed and changed. at night i went home and slept. huge relief to watch others clean up around him, and cook for him and keep him clean and comfortable. But also seeing other people with dementia, some very disturbed indeed espeically when their relatives werent there, made me realise how lucky i am that dave is gentle and quiet. No doctor came near him during those four days. People were screaming, banging doors, walking around and around, trying to escape. Within four days Dave began to imitate them. In other words he was quickly becoming insitutionalised.

    After four days there was a ward round..they asked me what the plan was and i told them the plan was that i was taking him home that very day. which i did.

    I went into daves room and toldhim wer were going. Dave hardly ever speaks but he certainly understood! he just said 'life is beautiful!. we hurried beyond th elocked doors to freedom in the carpark as in the movie 'one flew out of the cuckoos nest! I havent seen dave smile much either in the lst couple of days but not only was he smiling but he directed me down the motrway all the way home!!

    In hospital he did cooperate with the nurses. Now i have employed Age Concern twice a day. When he sees the unfiroms of these two kindly people he gets up and goes straight into the bathroom where he gladly sits in a warm soap sudded bath!

    I wont approach the hospital for more respite because the place ws too disturbing. But you can learn a lot by watching how nurses cope with the practicalities if you are cak handed like me!!


    Meanwhile Daves sons who live in Canada, who are both powers of attorney with me, have decided to try and get his money out of england over there. They can do this because they can act 'severally@. They have emailed me to ask me not to contact any of his banks and they want me to send his will over to them. This is going to be a difficult one to deal with..the next challenge. I dont think i have enough strength to face a family dispute over what Daves best interests are??

    Keep trying everyone and never let the focus stray from the person who counts most. People with dementia are still people in their own right. They may seem different than before and that hurts but they stillhave their up days, their down days, their worries, and they can still feel comfort.

    carolyn
     
  2. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    18,972
    Derbyshire
    Dear Carolyn:

    You have had a terrible time and well done for coping so admirably. Your Dave is a very lucky man. The thought went through my mind - have you had legal advice regarding The Will and money being sent to Canada? - it just does not sound right to me.

    I am sure others will be in touch. Good luck Jan
     
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,578
    Kent
    Dear Carolyn

    Your story is inspirational and I read it with admiration for the way you learnt from the nurses and managed to get your husband home again.

    But like BeckyJan, alarm bells rang when you wrote about trying to get Dave`s money out of the country. This is your business, but I hope you know what you`re doing and I would advise caution.
     
  4. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,439
    Dear Carolyn

    Regarding the EPA - has it been registered? Because if it hasn't it does sound as if it should be. I would be very resistant to anything the sons suggest if it involves moving money overseas - actually it might not be quite as easy as they think it might be: I am currently in the process of attempting to do this with my mother's estate and everything needs to documented to conform with money laundering regulations. As to letting them have a copy of the will - well that doesn't seem unreasonable (although what good it will do them...) If they manage to get their hands on the money you are the one who could be considered liable if it came down to it. I always think that when people try to get you to "keep secrets" they're planning something underhand.
     
  5. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london

    Yes no one teaches you anything when those stages just appear , your just left to get one with her .

    You done good :)
     
  6. gigi

    gigi Registered User

    Nov 16, 2007
    7,788
    East Midlands
    Dear Carolyn,

    What a time you've had..thankyou for your post..it's an inspiration.

    You've hit the nail on the head with the above quote.

    I wish you and Dave the best of everything and hope you get the EPA sorted

    Love Gigi xx
     
  7. TinaT

    TinaT Registered User

    Sep 27, 2006
    7,095
    Bolton
    I only wish I'd been as brave as you were in the first weeks of hospitalisation. The longer Ken is away from home, the more frightening it feels to bring him back. xxx TinaT
     
  8. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    3,433
    Suffolk,England
    Dear Carolyn

    What a ghastly situation (NOT helped by those who are supposed to be your support network!) and how well you coped with it.

    Otherwise, I'm lost for words
    (well not lost, just don't think other TPers have about 2 hours to spare to read my rambling expressions of fury :mad: on your behalf).

    Best wishes to you and Dave
     
  9. carolyn

    carolyn Registered User

    Dec 1, 2006
    9
    kent
    thanks for your advice

    thank you all for yoru comments. I ralsie that becuse I am a poer of attorney as well as daves sons I must act wisely and not let them play loose and fast with his money. They emailed me and ordered me not to contact Daves banks but I did do this today. The banks just told me that if they register their powers of attorney with them and they can act 'severally' then they cannot be stopped from taking his assets out.

    I have now starteed the process of sending athebanks my power of attorney forms (certified copies) with covering letters saying that I would not be happy if there were any movements in his accounts unless the movement was proven to be in his best interests.

    His sons are going to be FURIOUS with me and I know this will cause a split. But on the other hand I also know that I need to protect both daves best intersts and also my own reputation.ie make it clear that I would not collude with any action that could be seen as avoiding taxation and legalities.

    Your comments have helped me do this.

    Happy Valentines Day!!

    carolyn
     
  10. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    18,972
    Derbyshire
    Well Done! You seem to be on the ball and handling things as well you can. When you have all the emotional stuff to handle it is not easy for you - many of us on TP will recognise this.

    Take care Jan
     
  11. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,439
    Carolyn - it may not be the popular thing, but it's the RIGHT thing and you should take comfort from that. I would like you to think, though, about registering the EPA. You are "supposed" to do this when the donor loses capacity (which is the case here). True, if you register it you'll have to either do it in conjunction with the sons (not a good idea IMHO) or on your own but notifying them, which gives them the opportunity to object. It is an area that is absolutely fraught with potential pitfalls. One would hope that should you go the registration route, and they object, that those objections would be shot down in flames, but there are no guarantees. If at all possible I would suggest you consult a solicitor or perhaps the CAB. I am concerned that you may give the EPA to the bank, and then they give the EPA to the bank and then move the money out of the account. If it was registered, then even if they were attorneys, the court would have some level of oversight.
     

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