Update - I want to run away

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by di65, Jan 26, 2015.

  1. di65

    di65 Registered User

    Feb 28, 2013
    772
    new zealand
    I had my meeting with Lex's GP this afternoon.

    I printed out my posts in the TP thread and handed it to him to read before we discussed it. He was very understanding, and quite worried about the developments. He has sent an urgent message to the doctor at the memory clinic outlining his opinions about getting urgent in-care respite for him. It probably didn't do my cause any harm that I was close to tears, but I think he would have traveled the same path regardless. I do however feel that I have betrayed him somehow - he isn't incontinent, he can still walk, and he isn't violent yet, but the constant wearing me down with his insults and questions is slowly driving me nuts:( As I said to his GP, I am not at the end of my tether, but the rope is getting exceedingly short.
    I will now wait and see he outcome of his message to the Clinic.

    Away to eat Scarlett's chocolate and a large glass of wine :D
     
  2. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,437
    I think you have to ask yourself: why should you have such insufficient value that you you have to be on your knees (nay, face first on the ground) before you get help? It's true, there are always people in a worse situation than you, but that doesn't mean that your situation isn't one that requires assistance.

    Actually I think sometimes the ability to to walk is probably one of the killers when it comes to family care: you are dealing with a person who can move themselves from one awful situation to another. And you can't stop them or necessarily protect them.

    In many ways my mother's basic inability to get from A to B made her care needs easier to deal with. Or at least, more definable. She couldn't wander for a start.
     
  3. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,962
    Brixham Devon
    I really agree with this Jennifer. When Pete was still mobile it was another added concern. Trip hazards and the packing his briefcase to go to work were all things that desperately worried me.

    Di
    -I'm very glad that the GP listened to you

    Take care

    Lyn T
     
  4. pony-mad

    pony-mad Registered User

    May 23, 2014
    1,073
    Mid-Wales
    So glad you have been taken seriously. That must make you feel better
    I hope the memory clinic acts quickly.
    Best wishes are winging their way over the oceans. X


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  5. di65

    di65 Registered User

    Feb 28, 2013
    772
    new zealand
    Yes, and no. I feel as if I have betrayed his trust somehow. He would hate to know that I have gone behind his back to his GP.:(
     
  6. WIFE

    WIFE Registered User

    May 23, 2014
    856
    WEST SUSSEX
    You have to think of your health and well-being in this situation as well di65 - it is all too easy to just put the loved one first but if you become really ill or have an accident your beloved would end up in care for a different reason. Put yourself first as well - hard - but necessary. You have not betrayed him - you are showing extreme care and consideration for his safety.

    Thinking of you WIFE
     
  7. Chuggalug

    Chuggalug Registered User

    Mar 24, 2014
    8,007
    Norfolk
    That's the truth, Wife. Caring for ourselves is a huge part of the whole operation. I totally agree with your comment. It's not wrong or selfish, just a very intelligent thing to do, and a part of the whole process.
     
  8. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    But you haven't gone behind his back to cause him any harm - you've done it for the exact opposite reason. If you are worn down and at the end of your tether, you can't be as vigilant as you need to be, and that could mean a potential hazard is overlooked.

    Sweetie, there is nobody on TP who is anything other than human, and several of us have cracked at some time or another. We aren't robots, but carers, doing the best we can, under a terrific strain.

    Further supplies of chocolate and a vat of wine are zinging through cyberspace as we speak. ;)
     
  9. optocarol

    optocarol Registered User

    Nov 23, 2011
    315
    Auckland, New Zealand
    Jennifer, had to tell you I found this really helpful. Thank you.
     
  10. optocarol

    optocarol Registered User

    Nov 23, 2011
    315
    Auckland, New Zealand
    Di, as far as I'm concerned what he'd hate to know is beside the point - you have to be the one who does what's sensible, because obviously he's never going to.
     
  11. pony-mad

    pony-mad Registered User

    May 23, 2014
    1,073
    Mid-Wales
    Di I am supping a New Zealand Pinot noir and thinking about you. I am a little bit behind you in terms of what I am coping with. Just a little aggression; total dependence; tears; anxiety and lack of recognition at times. Nowhere near what you are coping with, but today I phoned totally useless SW to say I need a referral for day care because I am sinking. Can't describe it any other way. OH keeps saying I'm lovely. I'm not!!!!! I am silently screaming GIVE ME SOME SPACE!!!!!!
    You have my sympathy and understanding all the way from Wales


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  12. di65

    di65 Registered User

    Feb 28, 2013
    772
    new zealand
    Thank you all for your support. It is so good to know that people are looking out for you - albeit through the magic of the internet. I have told some friends about yesterdays outcome, and they are of the same opinion - no need for guilt - but I guess a little will always be there.
    Scarlett - I am looking forward to the extra chocolate and wine, but it probably won't do my waistline much good:D
    Pony-mad - hope you enjoy our NZ wine. We have a holiday home in the Central Otago region of NZ, where they produce some wonderful red wines. As for the social workers, pester them daily, and that doesn't bring action, twice daily:D

    I have just spent an hour (whilst Lex is asleep in his chair) cleaning out some bedroom drawers. What a lot of junk I have! Thank goodness our wheelie bin was emptied yesterday, it is nearly half full again already:)
     
  13. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    Sod your waistline - anxiety calls for drastic measures! Also cyber treats have absolutely no calories whatsoever. :D
     
  14. Mufti

    Mufti Registered User

    May 11, 2012
    107
    Kent
    Hi I can empathise with your feelings of guilt and letting your oh down. I had to give in in December and place my oh in a home. Every visit is difficult - I see a deterioration and, yes, I blame myself for it! Have I placed him too soon? Why couldn't't I cope as others do? Why do I have the luxury of home and he doesn't? Is this all there is? But I was failing and the biggest worry was - what if something happens to me! At least I made an informed if difficult decision and now I can oversee the care and not struggle day to day with physical care. Hope this makes sense - it's late and I don't sleep well at present!!! X mufti
     
  15. di65

    di65 Registered User

    Feb 28, 2013
    772
    new zealand
    Oh goodie - I thought it was only broken biscuits that had no calories :D:D:D
     
  16. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    11,598
    West Midlands
    Biscuits have calories :eek: :eek:

    That's the hardest thing to do isn't it. Looking after yourself. It has to be done though, otherwise what the options you have..... Both of you needing care.... :(

    Hugs


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  17. truth24

    truth24 Registered User

    Oct 13, 2013
    5,725
    North Somerset
    Mufti. It takes time for them to settle. Fred deteriorated enormously in his first few months and the guilt monster was very heavy. However, as I've posted under his thread, due to his carers' loving attention, he has now regained his weight, is eating well and become quite sociable. Yes, he will only go downhill from here and I really, really, want him home here with me but I know he is much happier NOW than he was for the last few months he was at home. The guilt of his first months haunts me in the middle of the night and I still ask myself if it was too soon but realistically I know it wasn't.

    Thinking of you all as you travel along the journey and wishing you peace and strength.


    Sent from my GT-N5110
     
  18. Mufti

    Mufti Registered User

    May 11, 2012
    107
    Kent
    thanks

    Hi truth 24 thanks for your thoughts and good wishes. I haven't been online for a bit and missed your reply. Mick is still in home and everybody says he is settling - I still find that difficult to see but I think that is just me! I visit every other day for short periods as I still find visits upsetting. Some days are easier than other. I hope spring comes soon and perhaps I can take Mick out occasionally and get him some fresh air on his face! It's a real difficulty adjusting to living alone after 43 years and also enjoying my time with friends without the guilt monster whispering in my ear. Thanks again. Mufti
     
  19. Chuggalug

    Chuggalug Registered User

    Mar 24, 2014
    8,007
    Norfolk
    Di, you haven't betrayed anyone. What you have done is to secure help for any impossible situations that might arise, thereby, decreasing your need for worry, and the possibility of unwanted accidents that could hurt him.

    Give yourself a break, Di. I wish you all the very best and am so glad you've been taken seriously.

    Big hug coming your way, coz what you did took courage. xx
     
  20. Silver Lining

    Silver Lining Registered User

    Nov 20, 2013
    224
    And me too!!

    I have experienced all these things too, I look around at all my OH things here and feel so sad, again I am enjoying the comfort of our Home whilst he is in the Care Home. But then I go in to visit and they have had a "Sing-Song" there, party and other things going on, etc etc. but all he wants is to come home, but is settling very slowly.
    He was waving me goodbye accompanied by a carer today.

    I realised I was very tired, but didn't know just how much detriment was being caused to me, and as everyone says - "if you crack up" what happens then !!.

    Know just how you feel, Wine is a great help!! (but not too much for me):eek::eek:

    Silver Lining.
     

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