update and advice re house/furniture

[Tender Face]

Hi, Dave …

Just to approach this another way… do your and/or your mum have a personal favourite charity (AS excepted!!!). Could you give them a call (at local or HO level) to check if they can collect or, if not, do they have any links with someone who can ?

(In my own work for a charity I often get enquiries from people wishing to donate household items which our ‘shops’ can’t handle…. On a local level we refer people to an organisation who CAN (collect and then redistribute to people who really benefit). The value of people (often those re-establishing themselves after being in ‘Homeless Families’ situations) receiving the goods far outweighs the ‘second hand value’ that the charity could achieve if it were to sell. Just an idea.....

Lovely thought, Dave. Well done you to make the time and effort with everything else you’ve got on your plate!!!

Best of luck to you …., big hug and keep keeping us up-dated!

Love, Karen (TF), x

 

[noelphobic]

Mel, thanks for the tip - will try contacting Sue Ryder to find out if there's one locally. Freecycle is a lovely idea, but we're a five hour round trip to Mum's house, so I'm not sure how practical that might be for us - we don't have space to store everything at our house either. Any other suggestions?

I'm assuming that you would need to be at the house in order for a charity to collect whatever items you are giving away? If this doesn't work out and you do decide to use Freecycle then decide on a day/time you can be at the house and make this clear to anyone who wants to take anything ie come at that time or not at all. Even though you are giving stuff away people can sometimes mess you around which is much more annoying than it would be if you were selling it. However, most people are very good at turning up at a time to suit you and usually extremely grateful as well.

 

[Dave W]

A useful charity for anyone needing help with furniture

A little dedicated googling, and I came across the Furniture Re-use Network (FRN) - "the national umbrella body for 300 furniture and appliance re-use and recycling organisations, which exist across the UK. " More details at www.frn.org.uk - they have a local branch near to Mum's so that's another phone call to make on the list

 

[jenniferpa]

Dave - that's where I got the link I posted above. I should have put the main link here as well to help other people (duh)

Jennifer

 

[Helena]

Join your local freecycle@yahoogroups.com

You will find you will have no problem getting rid of all manner of otherwise useless stuff

 

[Lila13]

I'm going to freecycle most of my mother's surplus. At least I know her real self (before she got ill) would have approved, and been glad to know that there are some families out there (near enough to her area) who will accept second-hand rather than get into debt with credit to buy everything new. Of course then she'd have been terrified about letting strangers into the house.

I'm remembering when an uncle and cousin took the wardrobe up the stairs 40-something years ago, and wondering how on earth we'd ever get rid of it. My brother was imagining having to take a hatchet to furniture to clear it.

 

[Brucie]

We are huge fans of Freecycle and it has worked really well for us, and for those really grateful for the things we no longer want/have space for.

We thought we'd be seeing lots of dealers in disguise, gathering stuff to sell on, but the reality is that the other members, like us, don't like waste and if something you want is available for nothing more than the cost of picking it up, then that is great!

One tip - we have found that different Freecycle web sites in the locality differ greatly. The Kingston one is highly active, and the moderators there are really on the ball. http://uk.groups.yahoo.com/group/freecycle-kingston/ Just down the road the Elmbridge one is far less active, and the moderators seem to have gone to sleep.

People from way outside the area register for the Kingston Freecycle.

N.B. the moderators have to give their consent to every item that goes on the site - so to post an item then find it does not get to 'market' for several days is annoying.

P.S. for anyone in this area there is also Kingston Furniture Re-use Development Project at http://www.kva.org.uk/sections/lawcentre/law.asp

 

[Lila13]

It is still a bit scary giving addresses to strangers on the Net, even though they can't hurt her now.

 

[Cate]

Hi Dave

Glad to see you seem to be getting there. Grim job isn't it clearing out the home. I hated it when my brother and I cleared out mums flat, just didn't seem right going through all her stuff. Mind you we had a bit of a joke along the way when we found dozens of toilet rolls (the bro thought she must have been expecting trouble!!), and boxex and boxes of Kleenex. I wont even go there on the cash front!!

Thank goodness mums apartment was across the road from a good Age Concern shop, so armed with supermarket trolleys we marched it across the road. The big stuff, well we were able to sell a few bits, the rest we gave to St Davids Foundation, who thank goodness collected it all. Of course, mum took mega amounts to the NH with her, which made her happy, her room is a bit stuffed with furniture, just how she likes it, and the NH staff have been great, they really dont mind, bless them.

Its now on the market, sadly because it's a retirement flat, we cannot rent it out, so that's the next hurdle getting a buyer, we have had a few interested people, but I think it's a grotty time of the year.

We still have the 'wanting to go home' but the home she refers to is one she had 50 years ago. So quite frankly we fib, the decorators are in, it's damp, the heating broken down etc. etc. I also tell fibs when it's time for me to go. Hospital appointment, going to work etc. etc. I used to feel really bad about it, but now I feel it saves a lot of stress all round (mostly mine), guess I wont get through those pearly gates too easy, but needs must if it keeps my mum happy.

Cate

 

[Dave W]

Hi Cate/an update

Thanks everyone. Well, all the paperwork for the conveyancing (boy, does it go on!) duly filled in and with the solicitor. No queries yet from the buyer's solicitor, but as the buyer is a friend of Mum's who already knows the house, hopefully all will be well unless a gremin crawls from the woodwork. We hav a few final bits of furniture to move out, and then we're pretty much done.

MUm had a day out at the theatre to see a great old musical (Me and My Girl - I'd never seen it, and it was great fun), starring one of her former neighbours who chatted to her for 40 mins afterwards in his dressing room. A success all round. And his weekend the town her home is in has a Victorian weekend, so we've organised those that visit her to take turns to take her out. And it's her birthday next Tuesday so we'll go over with presents and take her fish and chips (her favourite!). She seems oddly calm and happy of late - it's probably a phase, but a fortunate one. More and more confused (she gave me a list of 25 names - 17 of them repeats - for people she wants to send cards to), but the aggression seems to have gone. All sense of time has gone too really, but she's happy to tell us the same stories from 1955 everytime we see her, and I can remember them well enough now to join in.

In the wider world, having run out of steam on all fronts, I'm going to be working part time from the New Year while I get my breath back and get my life back into my hands a little. There's also a possible research project for the local council looking at how to promote gay culture in new towns (well, having some would be nice!), but no guarantee on that one. Would be fascinating to do, and give m something positive to think about. Keep a finger or two crossed if you have one spare.

If anyone had told me two years ago how much my life would accommodate in the next 24 months, I think I would have died of shock. I'm glad to say I only came close in reality

All the best to everyone here, and I hope your journeys aren't too arduous right now. I'll post more when I have time.

Dave

 

[connie]

Hi Dave, lovely to hear from you again. Good luck for the future and all that it holds, love,

 

[Dave W]

When it rains no-one can tell you're crying ...

Well, another sociable weekend for Mum. Deena (good friend and guardian of Mum's dog, whose own stepmother had AD) took her Christmas shopping Saturday morning (a brave woman, our Deena) and then we all met up for lunhcin a lovely old country pub. Mum was a little surprised that a prawn cocktail isn't a drink, but had a nice time regardless. Then back to Deena's where we wrapped her presents for her (otherwise presents would have gone out very randomly), pampered her and let her sit with the dogs for a while in front of the fire before we took her home - anything longer than about 2 hours is getting too much for her, however much she enjoys it. (She has absolutely no time of geography or time now, and is definitely becoming more ad more confused).

And yesterday morning, the town the home is in had a Victorian day - market stalls with stallholders all dressed up, brass bands playing, mulled wine and mince pies a go go - so we wrapped her up warm and took her for a walk round before taking her back for tea, ginger cake and putting up a little Christmas tree in her room. All the time, I kept noticing how I was doing more and more for her and being increasingly cautious and watchful as if I'd been doing this for years and it was a perfectly normal way to behave with your Mum - a strange feeling. And driving back, I kept thinking that I have probably already had the last ever real conversation with her - she's still my Mum, but in so many ways 'not' - but also realising that I've almost come to accept this now. This is how it is, whether I would ever have chosen it or not. We adapt to the oddest and darkest things, given time.

There's enough of 'her' left to be grateful for a lovely day out, which is so heart-warming. The title line on the message was an aside from Deena and said so much - we were both trying to keep our eyes dry as she'd been so sweet. All the aggression seems to have gone from her now, as if she doesn't have the energy left for it. But she's calmer and happier than in a couple of years - I can't tell if she's come to terms with what's happening, or she can't tell anymore, but I'm grateful that is achieving some kind of release whichever it is.

So chin up for Tuesday night - her 76th birthday, so we're going over with presents and are going to take fish and chips (her favourite) and a bottle of wine. I'll keep you all posted.

Dave

 

[mel]

Hi Dave
Good to hear from you
it sounds as if your mum is adapting well......that must surely be such a relief for you....
its a good thing we can't see into the future......two years ago I had no idea what was in store......if i had.....I don't think I could have coped!!! Its amazing how we do cope though isn't it.....
I feel now like saying "bring it on"....I'm certainly a lot stronger than I was back then and I won't let this disease defeat me......I'll put up a damned good fight !!!!
All the best Dave
love xx

 

[Dave W]

Thank You

Lovely messages, as ever. I wish this site could be publicised across every town and newspaper in the country - I would not have survived the last two years with out it, plain and simple, and it's the most heartwarming Internet forum I know of (I work, for the time being, in Web development and in ten years of it, I've yet to find a web site that had more reason to exist than this one).

Unusually for me, I'm looking forward to Christmas, or more specifically - and even more weirdly - New Year. Going part-time for a while is going to be such a relief, and a chance to 'reclaim myself' - I'd reached the point where it's a necessity, not a luxury or an indulgence, but I can feel the relief is ahead (even if it's not here yet). We were going to go away for New Year, but have left it too late to sort anything out, so we'll stay home to do things round the house we've been meaning to for ages and don't have the time (finally sorting out the spare room to be a proper office and music room for me, for starters!). As we slumped in front of the box last night, we agreed that New Year's Eve is just a tired tradition and we'd stay home, I'll cook something great and we'll nod off watching Jules Holland. New Year's Day will be the celebration - 2006 has finally gone, and it's time for a brave, new scary uncertain world, but at least we won't be at work at the time

I hope you all get a chance to be totally selfish for a day or so soon - it's a vital bit of caring, true enough, but it's also a vital bit of being human and you are the most human bunch of people I've ever come across.

Dave

 

[Lila13]

My mother's beds have now been freecycled to some people who will now be able to get their mother out of hospital in time for Christmas, she would be pleased if she knew that, and their children will now have a bed each.

Lila

 

[Lila13]

I can't help feeling she should be here, telling us what to do with the furniture etc., but I do remember that, if she'd been capable of making that sort of decision, she wouldn't have been there anyway, on her own in a house she'd hated for 53 years.

Lila

 

[Lynne]

... All the aggression seems to have gone from her now, as if she doesn't have the energy left for it. But she's calmer and happier than in a couple of years - I can't tell if she's come to terms with what's happening, or she can't tell anymore, but I'm grateful that is achieving some kind of release whichever it is.
Dave

Glad to hear that your Mum seems settled & happier now (fingers & toes firmly crossed!!) and that therefore you feel less pressured & torn in half. If you look back to your posts at the start of this year, when Mum first went into the NH, I think you'll agree you've both made enormous progress & achieved a lot in that time.
As regards the loss of aggression (for which relief, much thanks!) maybe the fact that she was 'transplanted' into a totally new group of people, who didn't know her of old, meant she could let down barriers erected & defended for years, and realise they weren't needed.
Or maybe you just got lucky for now!

Anyway, I hope your New Year goes well & you can get your own life back without the guilt monster troubling you. You've paid your dues - tell him to p*** off.

 

[Dave W]

Cheers, Lynne

Hi Lynne, and lovely to natter again (life has been so full, and I've been so tired, TP hasn't been getting as much of my time as I would have liked - I'd like to be able to use the experience I've gained to help others where I can).

I suspect it's probably a combination of 'we got lucky for now' and 'she doesn't have the energy or comprehension left to fight so hard' - she's much calmer and more contented than she was, but also much, much more confused. I'm grateful she's happy/ier and in good hands - the staff have been great to her and us.

Either way, it's been a momumental year. Staggering what you can acheive, and staggering how much it takes it out of you to do it: 2006 has felt like one huge in-tray you never quite reach the bottom of.

Right now, the thought of Boxing Day is keeping me going - I'll be out of work, but able to ignore the world beyond walking the MIL's dog and enjoying some country air. (Believe me, the guilt monster isn't the only one that needs to be told to **** off: I'm just hoping a few gins and some fresh air tak me out of actually saying it to some of them!).

Till then, a toast to human kindness - everyone raise their tea mugs!

Dave