1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

Update; advice re difficult sibling. I'm a fool.

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Adcat, Jun 21, 2015.

  1. Adcat

    Adcat Registered User

    Jun 15, 2014
    290
    London
    Background, a year ago sibling accused me via email of siphoning off Dads money and manipulating our parents into gaining POA. Called me a selfish so and so etc etc. not heard from that sibling since. I work full time, live with dad in his house (my home) and spend my non work time caring for him. I spend dads money on carers that look after him when I'm at work, making the house safe for him, clothes food etc. dad has mixed dementia.

    3 days ago I got message from number I didn't recognise asking to take dad on holiday. I thought it was some silly joke and posted on TP looking for advice. I wanted to run and hide. Now I feel like a shabby, horrid individual. I didn't deal with the message in time. I procrastinated and eldest sibling arrived, unannounced with partner in toe. I had a very negative physical reaction. Felt panicked and nauseated. Ridiculous I know. Tried my hardest to be cool and calm but failed miserably.
    I let them in. I told them if only I had known they were coming I would have something ready. Sibling said the visit was 'spur of the moment'. Sibling lives over an hour away. That alone wound me up. How I miss spontaneity! Sibling wanted to know about taking dad on holiday as I hadn't replied. (Message was 3 days previously) I told sibling that I would have responded in my own time and that the idea was basically rather naive given dad the progression.
    The partner sat beside dad and started the Spanish Inquisition. I took a deep breath and asked, given the diagnosis had they not heard about good communication strategies. Partner shouted at me ( in my own home) and accused me of being very rude and causing an atmosphere you could cut with a knife. Sibling just sat and said nothing. I simply replied that they were being rather inappropriate speaking in such tones in front of dad. I then left the room to calm down. 10 mins later they left. As they were going I calmly advised partner that they had been absent from my life for over a year and I didn't appreciate being accused of being rude and shouted at in my own home in front of dad. Partner turned away, sibling told me that I was rude so I told him in no uncertain terms of thirreparably damage done to any relationship they could ever have with me. That felt so good. They then walked off into the sunset and I went back to caring for dad. Needless to say it ruined my emotional equilibrium. I haven't cried though.

    Any thoughts greatly appreciated as always x
     
  2. Kjn

    Kjn Registered User

    Jul 27, 2013
    5,835
    Have a damn good cry and let it all out xxx
     
  3. sistermillicent

    sistermillicent Registered User

    Jan 30, 2009
    2,951
    even just reading this i am shocked at what you have just been through so goodness knows how you are feeling... you did not delay by an unreasonable amount of time by not replying to his original message. You have done nothing wrong, you do not deserve this treatment, it is outrageous and I am so glad you were able to say something about it.

    I hope you are able to take care of yourself and can get a good nights sleep, and I hope this is the end of the ridiculous taking on holiday idea.
    Sending love x
     
  4. daisydi

    daisydi Registered User

    Feb 25, 2015
    257
    Norfolk
    Good riddance, they have gone and hopefully will now forget the silly holiday idea!
     
  5. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,383
    Female
    South coast
    I agree - its outrageous behavior




    Still curious as to why they want(ed) to take him on holiday
     
  6. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    1,056
    GLASGOW
    Sounds like the partner is stirring things here. Why should you care what they think of you? They are in no position to make any judgement. If they turn up again do not let them in. Keep records of any Money you spend on your Dad and also YOUR time. You can then fight any accusations they make at you.

    Try to forget them. Block the mobile number and dont let them in if they turn up on your door step. If they want to be with your Dad it should be out of your house, with a carer paid for by them.

    You are totally in the right here. All you care about is caring for your Dad. Keep strong and be glad this pair dont live nearer. You are everything to your Dad.
     
  7. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,829
    UK
    Well done, you just got a little flustered and you'll feel better tomorrow. Did you make it clear that under the circumstances your father is not fit or even able to go on holiday with them?
     
  8. Essie

    Essie Registered User

    Feb 11, 2015
    566
    #8 Essie, Jun 21, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2015
    I am so sorry for your awful, awful experience Adcat - you did very well not to cry. Sibling and partner have obviously created their own version of reality and cast you as the villain of the piece. Shame on them. How appalled would your poor Dad be if he knew what was happening.

    I think you have said before that you do have POA and you are sensibly keeping a record of expenditure should it ever be called into question.

    Personally I would write to sibling and express my disgust - without being rude at what has happened and the behaviour of sibling's partner in particular. It is totally unacceptable and completely unjustifiable and that should be stated. Also it is appalling that sibling should suggest in any way that you would not always be acting solely in your father's best interests. As you have seen ignoring/not responding may not be the best option and bullies love passive people - you don't have to do any of that of course, just my opinion!

    What you do have to do is realise that you have done nothing wrong, you are not a fool you are a normal, kind, caring person and your sibling and their partner are, well you can name your own insults.

    Without wanting to alarm you I would keep a record of things - you made a reference in a previous thread to sibling taking the chance to look round house on his own and openly stating that he was looking for papers/files to do with Dad's affairs - do make a note of dates and of what happened during this visit and of any subsequent contact if there is any more unpleasantness from them - if things do deteriorate further, and I sincerely hope they don't, you will at least have a full record of their behaviour.

    If, God forbid, they do turn up again my advice would be to stay very, very calm - if they want to shout let them, and then reply quietly and calmly - it will not only emphasise the appalling nature of their behaviour it will infuriate and frustrate them because I bet, in part, they are trying to provoke you. Do not be provoked.

    Once again I am so, so sorry at what's happened, big, big hugs.

    Edited to add - others have said not to let them in if they come again and I was going to say that too - it's certainly how I feel too, but then I wondered, would sibling try and use that against you and say you were denying him access to Dad?
     
  9. starryuk

    starryuk Registered User

    Nov 8, 2012
    1,299
    #9 starryuk, Jun 22, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2015
    Wow! you did really well to stand up to your sibling and give him 'what for'! Me, I would have cowered in the corner, said nothing and regretted it later.

    I think Essie is right, though. If you don't let him in, then your sibling could use it argue that it is not in your dad's best interests to deny him access to his son. (What a ******* your sibling is being).

    As Essie says, write to your sibling and be careful not to say anything which he could use against you in future. Don't use emotive language which might be useful to 'prove' you to be under stress or not fit to care for your dad etc. Keep all records and print outs of any emails. You are doing nothing wrong, so make sure you can prove it!

    Is there somewhere safe at work where you could store your dad's important paperwork in case your sibling tries to get hold of it or anything?

    This is all 'just in case' of course...your sibling may simply have gone home shocked, with his tail between his legs, never to be seen again....
     
  10. SarahL

    SarahL Registered User

    Dec 1, 2012
    229
    It never ceases to amaze me the attitude of siblings who have done absolutely nothing for the care of the person, have no concept of how the disease affects the person or the carers, have no regard for the person with the disease in turning up 'out of the blue' and then leaving emotional devastation in their wake along with utter confusion for all concerned. Your brother's and partner's behaviour smacks of agenda, agenda, agenda plus a knock to his ego that he doesn't have POA. Don't let them inflict their skewed attitudes onto you. You have done all the hard work, care, love and support for your Dad which is terribly difficult at the best of times. They only see what they want to see (their reality) and at the end of the day all they want is money - otherwise they would have supported you and helped out a long time ago. Do not let them in again and give yourself a pat on the back for standing up to them. I stood up to my siblings and, hey presto, we are now estranged. But do you know what, I feel liberated. Nothing can ever change what I've been through and am still going through with Mum, but not being in touch with my siblings has released me. I too have POA and they told me to be acting in mum's best interests after she went into a care home, having done nothing over all the years, not even got her a bag of shopping or even a visit. 'Best interests' for their inheritance me thinks. Definitely keep a note of what you spend and time you spend but do not think you have to offer any justifications to them unless you want to salvage a relationship with them, they can keep going off into the sunset ad infinitum. I do feel so angry about these situations, keep strong. x
     
  11. Gigglemore

    Gigglemore Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    526
    British Isles
    As if dealing with your Dad's dementia isn't bad enough! Hope he wasn't too upset by the atmosphere and questioning. In addition to Essie and Starryuk's advice about writing, I wonder if you also need to drop a note of your side of the story to any other siblings/close relatives as this brother and his partner sound like they are happy to make trouble for you.

    I think you handled the visit really well, and am so pleased you got a chance to tell your brother what you felt about it before he disappeared again.
     
  12. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    1,056
    GLASGOW
    Thats a very good point. My mums sister is kept in the loop on care needs etc and on the antics of my sister. She is fully supportive of me which is a huge relief. Get some other famiky and friends to know your side of the story, even if they cant help directly. You handled it all very well. Keep your chin up.
     
  13. Suzanna1969

    Suzanna1969 Registered User

    Mar 28, 2015
    346
    Essex
    See I'd have gone completely beserk, turned the air blue with my choice language, got totally out of control, thrown crockery and furniture and been dragged off by the local constabulary. Think Tasmanian Devil.

    Which would NOT have been a helpful solution.

    Adcat I have huge admiration for your control and calmness. Excellent points made by other posters about record keeping and documenting this and possible future incidents and all communication.

    Having a family member certainly seems to bring out the worst in some people as well as the best in others. Reading this forum makes me appreciate my lovely Bruv so much.
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.