Unwanted sex

[Chrystle]

Hi lovely TP people!
Couldn’t find any threads on this, can’t believe it’s never come up, so I’ll jump in with mine, Here goes!
My OH who has Alz, diag nearly 3 years, has recently shown an increased interest in sex. I love him, but am really not interested. Apart from having too much to do, and being tired most of the time, I don’t think I fancy him anymore. He is more and more like my child rather than my partner, so sex would just be weird I feel.
Any insights welcome.......I don’t want to hurt him, so strategies and ideas that would make this easier for both of us. Thank you All.

 

[AbbyGee]

You're certainly not alone. My PWD very (very) occasionally - and much to my surprise - gets the old urges but I can no longer contemplate joining in with him. I did try the first few times, but he had no memory of our cuddles and humpy bumpy fumbles (which, selfishly, made me feel like a paid-for service) and knowing he remembered nothing about his amorous moments gave me the creeps as I felt like I was being complicit in some sort of elder abuse.
There. I've said it. Phew.
My strategy is to have a quick and non-sexual cuddle then do a diversionary tactic such as me suddenly needing a bathroom visit. Cringe. And the old feigned headache or backache can be useful.
Oh my - how our lives have changed. But you guys and gals really don't want to hear the intimate details of .....
nah, best leave it there, eh?

 

[MoodyC]

Hello Chrystle, my OH was also diagnosed 3 years ago and have had the same problems a few times, despite him now being in care, it didn’t put him off! As suggested by AbbyGee, I quickly change the subject and distract or just say I physically can’t.

 

[Izzy]

Good morning @Chrystle.

I had a look through the search facility and found a few threads on this topic-

Search results for query: Sex

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

You may find them interesting but it’s good that you started your own thread.

wondered if you would find this fact sheet helpful -

How does dementia affect sex and intimacy?

When a person is living with dementia, their sexual behaviour, needs and desires may change. As their partner, yours may too. Your sex life may have changed, and you might need advice on how to cope with this, as well as how to feel better. Talking about sex and intimacy can help.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[jenniferjean]

He is more and more like my child rather than my partner, so sex would just be weird I feel.

That statement just about sums it up for a lot of people on TP me included. I am lucky in that my husband no longer makes any move but it is there in his head. Every now and then he sees other people doing it and needs to tell me about it. Whether it's hallucinations or not it makes me feel uncomfortable because as you say, they are just like children.
I agree with others, all you can do is change the subject and distract.

 

[Vic10]

I would strongly recommend speaking to your GP.
I think it’s called Hypersexuality ( yes, it has a name!). Admittedly when my OH went through this phase he was also suffering from delusions and extreme anger. What made him think I would actually be attracted to him for sex when he was shouting at me and making wild accusations is a mystery, but then so is this disease! He was given medication and it resolved all issues. So definitely worth a conversation.

 

[Little moth]

I can't put it into words, it has been a problem, not so much now.

 

[None the Wiser]

Wish I knew the answer to this one. I’ve found this very difficult. I’ve been quite offended by my OH acting out all sorts of sexual fantasies. I’ve tried distracting, or suggesting the loo, but he’s well and truly in his own world, and it’s not one I wish to be a part of. I now leave the room and leave him to it! We still share a bedroom, but I’d prefer. not to anymore, however his nights are so bad I need to be nearby.

 

[jennifer1967]

not a problem we have separate rooms but he gropes at every opportunity which i dont like i tend to move out of the way or remove his hand or both.

 

[Angtrog]

Yes I know what you mean me and my OH have desperate bedrooms when he tries it on I am also trying to get to it out of the way truth is I just don't fancy it any more He feels more like my child then my husband would be too weird

 

[Joyt]

It’s very difficult at all sorts of levels.

 

[Buteo]

Yes I know what you mean me and my OH have desperate bedrooms when he tries it on I am also trying to get to it out of the way truth is I just don't fancy it any more He feels more like my child then my husband would be too weird

Desperate bedrooms indeed! ;-) Caring for partners who have lost capacity completely changes the relationship. My wife is like my child now. I miss her.

 

[Angtrog]

It changes everything love him dearly but not in that way any more He is disappearing in front of me

 

[lizo]

It changes everything love him dearly but not in that way any more He is disappearing in front of me

 

[lizo]

I had this problem with my husband about four years from diagnosis - it was almost as if we were newly married he became so demanding and attentive. I became exhausted! The doctor prescribed Sertraline, which is an anti-depressive, and the problem miraculously went away.

 

[Rosettastone57]

Hi lovely TP people!
Couldn’t find any threads on this, can’t believe it’s never come up, so I’ll jump in with mine, Here goes!
My OH who has Alz, diag nearly 3 years, has recently shown an increased interest in sex. I love him, but am really not interested. Apart from having too much to do, and being tired most of the time, I don’t think I fancy him anymore. He is more and more like my child rather than my partner, so sex would just be weird I feel.
Any insights welcome.......I don’t want to hurt him, so strategies and ideas that would make this easier for both of us. Thank you All.

My mother-in-law was a widow for many years, but in the later stages of dementia, she would often tell my husband about his father performing sex acts on her. My husband used to dread her bringing up these topics . He used to distract her with a magazine. Eventually the phase passed.

 

[Buteo]

It changes everything love him dearly but not in that way any more He is disappearing in front of me

It's so sad.

 

[jennifer1967]

mine also is suggestive and innuendos while doing care every situation has sexual connaltations. i know they lose some inhibitions but he never had them so now hes even more of an octapus.im glad someone has started the thread because thought it was my fault

 

[Gorgeous Gail]

It is so sad. I agree with several of the responses on here, although I will always love my OH dearly and wish to care for him as long as I am able, I no longer see him as my husband in that way. I have recently moved out of our bedroom and into the spare room due to covid-19, to protect him, as I am still out of the house every day walking the dog, shopping and working part time. He seems ok with it and I am seriously considering making it permanent.

 

[Wildflowerlady]

My story is slightly different my partner has Parkinson's and we have had separate bedrooms for too many years to mention now so reasons are obviously different as to why the physical relationship changed.
I have to say the times of longing on my part have now passed but it did take a while and I am younger by 17 years. I think partner feels/felt the loss more than I as psychologically its a manhood thing. I think our relationship is still worthy and in some ways our companionship is stronger despite wicked sister saying my relationship isn't a proper one. Everything changes eventually it doesn't necessarily mean we love less just different. It is dad that has dementia and why I joined TP.